Will it ever go away?

[mikaylacat]

This feeling. This feeling that I've been abandoned? Forgotten? Its no wonder I am afraid to open my heart. If I open it people can just jump inside and tear me apart. If I keep it shut no one can hurt me. If I stay on top I will always walk away unscathed. But what good is walking around impervious to any feelings? Yeah, I can avoid hurting. I can avoid feeling like I've been duped again. But I won't feel love. I won't be happy. I will just be closed off Tallulah. But its so scary. And I am sure he's not coming. Why do I prepare myself for the worst when I know it won't happen? Cause I don't know that it won't happen. Who's to say for sure its not just another big complex joke played on Mikayla so someone can have a laugh, or feel retribution? Maybe that's why I am a determined atheist: fear of a rather sardonic higher power that really takes it out on people. I know some rely on the idea that everything is part of the plan, but what they don't stipulate is whether that plan is going to work out in their favour. Maybe the 'plan' for me is for me to live and die alone and abandoned. To get hurt every three feet until my heart is scrap metal people use to hoist their vehicles up on.

Well, I got my hair cut, shaved my legs, and put on lotion. I guess I should go pack in the event that it is not a cruel joke and that he really is as good as I think he is.