(no subject)
Sometimes to get perspective on the present you must delve into the past, relive the good and bad times, the joys and sadnesses, the love unrequited and the broken hearts. I've grown much since the LJ times, when this blog was a part of my life. No longer the dramatic ego-centric teenager that I used to be. Looking back on these past entries, seeing physical evidence on how much my thoughts have matured, I can also learn much about who I really am. And sometimes, when my adult self has grown too cynical, my youth's insights may be able to teach me things that I had once known and had since forgotten.
My purpose in writing this is that I am, in general, happy, a happiness that does not last for just a single day or week, but a happiness that has become a stable and familiar entity in the past year. Looking back, I can indeed see a timeline of words, forever engraved in cyberspace. What is the cause of this current state of being? Love. Trite, yes I know, but it is true. And how else can I explain this love without confronting the evolution of my concept of love, the past loves of my life.
1
You really don't forget your first love. It sets the baseline for the countless loves you will yet encounter. It is a love that pervades you, no matter if it is conscious or not. My first true love was a secret love. It was something I kept to myself until this very day, something I only let slip to one person once in my life. In a world in which loving someone one of your best friends has dated equals betrayal, I couldn't tell anyone, couldn't act on it, couldn't confess. I loved someone I wasn't allowed to love.
When I saw you the night before I moved away is forever engrained in my mind and in my heart. As time passed, you seemed to grow distant, no longer interested in investing in the friendship we shared. I truly do still miss you. The last time I set eyes on you and hugged you, it seemed appropriate that we were standing in the exact same spot on which we had said our final goodbyes years earlier, the same spot on which I realized I loved you. Flooded with relived memories, I had an urge to tell you then and there how I had felt about you, how I, if I could have, would have moved back just for a chance to be with you. Instead I chose silence, said another goodbye, and walked away as you drove off in your car.
Sometimes I think of you when I smile for no reason.
2
Your first heartbreak is probably more unforgettable than your first love.
You were there for me when my first love grew distant. In my loneliness and despair, you gave me laughter and hope and comfort. I might have fallen in love with you out of necessity but it certainly felt real to me. Then you crushed my heart into a million pieces. I said things that I meant at the time but now am truly sorry for. I still believe that you were wrong in the way you acted but now I know it was not your intention. Years ago I would have branded your behavior as intentional but I should have known you better than that. You were not malicious, well-meaning albeit naive. Your influence was ever present in my relationships, closing myself off, afraid to be hurt for years as evidenced by my string of short-lived relationships. I truly do forgive you but you must understand that things cannot be as they once were.
3
The first boyfriend. It's a little sad that my first love and first boyfriend couldn't be the same person like most others I know. This was more of a logical decision, I was a little horrified that I had made it to 18 without a boyfriend so I chose with my brain instead of my heart.
I did start to love you, even if just for a tiny part of the 3 months we were together. I was a little bit freaked out when you told me you loved me after a week of dating me. It definitely wasn't real love if I was able to cheat on you and move on so quickly was it? I had a feeling you were using me, and you probably were and I definitely did not appreciate the fact that you lied to me about breaking up with your girlfriend and finding out I was the other woman.
4
The first long-term relationship.
You messed me up. I could think of something positive or worthwhile about every single person I had been involved with, but you were the one I would go back in time to prevent from dating. You were incredibly selfish and once again I was lied to and was cluelessly dating someone with a girlfriend. The worst part was what you did to me. Something that still haunts me to this day. Something that has made me uncomfortable every time someone finds me sexually attractive. Something that has made me feel helpless and violated by someone I supposedly should trust. I told you once that I would never forgive you and as of now, I still have not.
5
The one
You are my life. I love you so much that it scares me. When you are with me, I never want to let go and when you're not here, I can't wait until you are. You understand me completely and I feel like I can just melt into your arms and be perfectly content for hours. When I'm with you, I am at peace and only you can calm me down when I get into my moods. You've been so patient with me, despite my confusion about my feelings and my commitment issues. I can honestly say that you are the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.
My purpose in writing this is that I am, in general, happy, a happiness that does not last for just a single day or week, but a happiness that has become a stable and familiar entity in the past year. Looking back, I can indeed see a timeline of words, forever engraved in cyberspace. What is the cause of this current state of being? Love. Trite, yes I know, but it is true. And how else can I explain this love without confronting the evolution of my concept of love, the past loves of my life.
1
You really don't forget your first love. It sets the baseline for the countless loves you will yet encounter. It is a love that pervades you, no matter if it is conscious or not. My first true love was a secret love. It was something I kept to myself until this very day, something I only let slip to one person once in my life. In a world in which loving someone one of your best friends has dated equals betrayal, I couldn't tell anyone, couldn't act on it, couldn't confess. I loved someone I wasn't allowed to love.
When I saw you the night before I moved away is forever engrained in my mind and in my heart. As time passed, you seemed to grow distant, no longer interested in investing in the friendship we shared. I truly do still miss you. The last time I set eyes on you and hugged you, it seemed appropriate that we were standing in the exact same spot on which we had said our final goodbyes years earlier, the same spot on which I realized I loved you. Flooded with relived memories, I had an urge to tell you then and there how I had felt about you, how I, if I could have, would have moved back just for a chance to be with you. Instead I chose silence, said another goodbye, and walked away as you drove off in your car.
Sometimes I think of you when I smile for no reason.
2
Your first heartbreak is probably more unforgettable than your first love.
You were there for me when my first love grew distant. In my loneliness and despair, you gave me laughter and hope and comfort. I might have fallen in love with you out of necessity but it certainly felt real to me. Then you crushed my heart into a million pieces. I said things that I meant at the time but now am truly sorry for. I still believe that you were wrong in the way you acted but now I know it was not your intention. Years ago I would have branded your behavior as intentional but I should have known you better than that. You were not malicious, well-meaning albeit naive. Your influence was ever present in my relationships, closing myself off, afraid to be hurt for years as evidenced by my string of short-lived relationships. I truly do forgive you but you must understand that things cannot be as they once were.
3
The first boyfriend. It's a little sad that my first love and first boyfriend couldn't be the same person like most others I know. This was more of a logical decision, I was a little horrified that I had made it to 18 without a boyfriend so I chose with my brain instead of my heart.
I did start to love you, even if just for a tiny part of the 3 months we were together. I was a little bit freaked out when you told me you loved me after a week of dating me. It definitely wasn't real love if I was able to cheat on you and move on so quickly was it? I had a feeling you were using me, and you probably were and I definitely did not appreciate the fact that you lied to me about breaking up with your girlfriend and finding out I was the other woman.
4
The first long-term relationship.
You messed me up. I could think of something positive or worthwhile about every single person I had been involved with, but you were the one I would go back in time to prevent from dating. You were incredibly selfish and once again I was lied to and was cluelessly dating someone with a girlfriend. The worst part was what you did to me. Something that still haunts me to this day. Something that has made me uncomfortable every time someone finds me sexually attractive. Something that has made me feel helpless and violated by someone I supposedly should trust. I told you once that I would never forgive you and as of now, I still have not.
5
The one
You are my life. I love you so much that it scares me. When you are with me, I never want to let go and when you're not here, I can't wait until you are. You understand me completely and I feel like I can just melt into your arms and be perfectly content for hours. When I'm with you, I am at peace and only you can calm me down when I get into my moods. You've been so patient with me, despite my confusion about my feelings and my commitment issues. I can honestly say that you are the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.