And now for some funnies to make everyone laugh.
At the end of the day like the one I've had, I just needed a good laugh.
BASIC TRUTHS
Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If architects avoid numbering the thirteenth floor, why don't publishers avoid using chapter 11?
DEFINITIONS....
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach
People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
-- Victor Borge
He swallowed a lot of wisdom, but all of it seems to have gone down the wrong way.
-- Georg C. Lichtenberg
Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
-- Jay Trachman
If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.
-- Source Unknown
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Flip Wilson
These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
-- Dave Barry
I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.
-- William M. Thackeray
If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.
-- Lily Tomlin
Murphy's Laws (as posted in Arizona Humor)
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-- Murphy's Law
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Marion Barry
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
-- Jack Handey
I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to scratch!
Hope they make you laugh or at least smile.
BASIC TRUTHS
Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If architects avoid numbering the thirteenth floor, why don't publishers avoid using chapter 11?
DEFINITIONS....
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach
People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
-- Victor Borge
He swallowed a lot of wisdom, but all of it seems to have gone down the wrong way.
-- Georg C. Lichtenberg
Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
-- Jay Trachman
If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.
-- Source Unknown
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Flip Wilson
These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
-- Dave Barry
I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.
-- William M. Thackeray
If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.
-- Lily Tomlin
Murphy's Laws (as posted in Arizona Humor)
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-- Murphy's Law
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Marion Barry
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
-- Jack Handey
I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to scratch!
Hope they make you laugh or at least smile.