(no subject)
It's been a while since I updated. I know I haven't been around much, but I needed some time to myself to think.
I shouldn't have left LA so quickly, and I apologise to anyone that may have pissed off. I just couldn't deal with all of the shit that fell on my life in such a short timespan. So when Phil asked me to go to Florida to stay with him, I didn't have it in me to resist.
But I came back, and I was, once again, in the studio for days on end.
I just arrived in New York Saturday with Matt, we're here to see Stitch, and on Friday, he's getting on a plane with us back to the southwest. Stitch will be getting off and leaving us in Las Vegas to see his friends who are there, and Matt and I will be returning to LA.
The big news in my life? The reason I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to anyone? I lost custody of my daughter. Not only full custody, the court saw fit to take away all custody in light of the most recent events in my life. And since Tonya and I are not on speaking terms, I don't know how long it will be until I see my little girl again. I've been told it is undetermined. Apparently, it will later be determined by my ex-wife, and if it's up to her, it will be never.
So aside from dealing with losing the last good thing in my life, I have a lot of re-evaluating of my life to think about. I got a call from Mikey last night, while I was visiting Stitch in the rehab centre, and we had a bit of a talk. I felt it was more than a little awkward, but I just felt too close to another breakdown to know what to do. He wanted to talk, wanted to reconcile. How many times are we going to have to go through this? How many times are we going to fight and reconcile afterward? How many times until neither of us can do it anymore? I just don't know. He wanted closure. But I don't know how to give him closure, because I don't even know what kind of closure I want. I know what he wants, I just don't know if I can give it to him, no matter how much I want to.
Just so I can see it, here's the scorecard of the last two, three years of my life:
1. Savannah was born (that's actually about 4.5 years ago)
2. Hooked up with Mikey and fell completely in love
3. Realized I have a serious alcohol problem
4. Realized above because I cheated on Mikey with Jay
5. Broke up with Mikey and nearly killed myself with alcohol poisoning
6. Mikey came back, found me unconscious and rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped
7. Patched things up with Mikey and started over
8. Started noticing Mikey's habits (but didn't say anything)
9. Stayed with Mikey through his drug problems
10. Failed to handle Mikey's problems as well as my own, and left Mikey
11. Started talking to Dez more often
12. Not long after, fired Mikey from Coal Chamber
13. Slept with Amir
14. Slept with Jay
15. Got a journal
16. Met new people through journal
17. Slept with Phil
18. Hooked up with Orlando, and fell in love again for a bit
19. Had a painful breakup with Orli
20. Had a major breakdown
21. Finally reconciled with Mikey again
22. Got kicked onto the couch for coming home drunk...again
23. Begged for forgiveness
24. Nick died
25. Coal Chamber officially broke up
26. Found out Stitch had some drug problems
27. Sent him away to New York for detox and rehab
28. Found out Mikey had a relapse
29. Went crazy, got pissed off, said stupid things to Mikey
30. Consequently had another falling out with Mikey because of his relapse
31. Ran off to Florida and fucked around
32. Came home for court day
33. Lost all custody to Savannah
34. Beginning to reconcile with Mikey, yet again
I think that brings us to today. What an update, huh? In between, there's band stuff going on, other people do factor into the picture. But these were the most important pieces I thought to look at.
Meegs
I shouldn't have left LA so quickly, and I apologise to anyone that may have pissed off. I just couldn't deal with all of the shit that fell on my life in such a short timespan. So when Phil asked me to go to Florida to stay with him, I didn't have it in me to resist.
But I came back, and I was, once again, in the studio for days on end.
I just arrived in New York Saturday with Matt, we're here to see Stitch, and on Friday, he's getting on a plane with us back to the southwest. Stitch will be getting off and leaving us in Las Vegas to see his friends who are there, and Matt and I will be returning to LA.
The big news in my life? The reason I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to anyone? I lost custody of my daughter. Not only full custody, the court saw fit to take away all custody in light of the most recent events in my life. And since Tonya and I are not on speaking terms, I don't know how long it will be until I see my little girl again. I've been told it is undetermined. Apparently, it will later be determined by my ex-wife, and if it's up to her, it will be never.
So aside from dealing with losing the last good thing in my life, I have a lot of re-evaluating of my life to think about. I got a call from Mikey last night, while I was visiting Stitch in the rehab centre, and we had a bit of a talk. I felt it was more than a little awkward, but I just felt too close to another breakdown to know what to do. He wanted to talk, wanted to reconcile. How many times are we going to have to go through this? How many times are we going to fight and reconcile afterward? How many times until neither of us can do it anymore? I just don't know. He wanted closure. But I don't know how to give him closure, because I don't even know what kind of closure I want. I know what he wants, I just don't know if I can give it to him, no matter how much I want to.
Just so I can see it, here's the scorecard of the last two, three years of my life:
1. Savannah was born (that's actually about 4.5 years ago)
2. Hooked up with Mikey and fell completely in love
3. Realized I have a serious alcohol problem
4. Realized above because I cheated on Mikey with Jay
5. Broke up with Mikey and nearly killed myself with alcohol poisoning
6. Mikey came back, found me unconscious and rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped
7. Patched things up with Mikey and started over
8. Started noticing Mikey's habits (but didn't say anything)
9. Stayed with Mikey through his drug problems
10. Failed to handle Mikey's problems as well as my own, and left Mikey
11. Started talking to Dez more often
12. Not long after, fired Mikey from Coal Chamber
13. Slept with Amir
14. Slept with Jay
15. Got a journal
16. Met new people through journal
17. Slept with Phil
18. Hooked up with Orlando, and fell in love again for a bit
19. Had a painful breakup with Orli
20. Had a major breakdown
21. Finally reconciled with Mikey again
22. Got kicked onto the couch for coming home drunk...again
23. Begged for forgiveness
24. Nick died
25. Coal Chamber officially broke up
26. Found out Stitch had some drug problems
27. Sent him away to New York for detox and rehab
28. Found out Mikey had a relapse
29. Went crazy, got pissed off, said stupid things to Mikey
30. Consequently had another falling out with Mikey because of his relapse
31. Ran off to Florida and fucked around
32. Came home for court day
33. Lost all custody to Savannah
34. Beginning to reconcile with Mikey, yet again
I think that brings us to today. What an update, huh? In between, there's band stuff going on, other people do factor into the picture. But these were the most important pieces I thought to look at.
Meegs