California...knows how to party
I am really looking forward to California next week. We'll leave on Thursday, go to Disneyland on Friday, scatter Dad's ashes off Catalina on Saturday, then visit Derek's grandparents, Scripps, Rhiannon and JJ and the babies, In n Out, Katella Deli, Santa Monica, Pasadena, and who knows what all else before flying home on Tuesday. I never realized how badly I needed a vacation. There has been a lot going on, I suppose.
Work has been really stressful, but it's mostly bad because of all the estate stuff happening simultaneously. Or not happening...I have no idea what's going on with that, hence the frustration. I got a weird cold a couple weeks ago after Danny's band's CD release show at Chop Suey, and that apparently devolved into a peptic ulcer that just won't quit. I'm on a proton pump inhibitor, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything a week in. I've lost more than 4 pounds in the last week, and on me that's a lot these days. I haven't been below 120lbs in a long time, and it's getting a little scary (especially given how much and how poorly I've been eating of late). I'm really hoping the vacation will straighten some stuff out.
I've been seeing a counselor to help deal with the grief of losing my dad and the trauma of finding him dead in a pool of blood in his apartment. It's helping a lot, but I'm still having nightmares and moments of high anxiety as I remember the feelings of panic, fear, desperation, and compltetly overwhelming grief that hit me in that moment. As the weeks have gone by, I'm missing him more and more...especially this weekend as I prepare to celebrate my entrance into the LATE 20's...bleh. It just doesn't seem right to celebrate without my dad. I don't particularly want to. But then, I had a dream a few nights ago that helped. I've been missing the phone calls from my dad that used to exasperate me so much; it's weird not to hear his voice on the phone, and I get a lot fewer calls now. In my dream my dad called me and I saw his name and picture on my caller I.D. I answered the phone, "Dad?!" in an incredulous voice. Dad said, "I have some info I thought you might be interested in." A typical line for my dad on the phone, but what struck me was hearing his voice, his ACTUAL voice in my dream for the first time in two months. I asked, "Where are you?" He answered without answering, "I like it here. It's cozy." I have no idea what that means, but it was SO GOOD to hear his voice. I hope and pray that I will continue to have dreams like that, nice phone calls where I get to hear my Daddy talk to me and tell me he's okay. It's hard living without him. It hurts.
It hurts all the time. If it's not the ulcer, it's excruciating headaches or a cold or depression waves that hit like drowning. I'm so grateful to have my wonderful husband who keeps me as centered as I can be right now, but I'm going through some crap. I'm not enjoying my job as much as I normally would, and I think it's just because I'm depressed. And I can't really see it getting better as we move into the holidays. I just hope this trip to California provides the relaxation, and closure, that I so desperately need.
Work has been really stressful, but it's mostly bad because of all the estate stuff happening simultaneously. Or not happening...I have no idea what's going on with that, hence the frustration. I got a weird cold a couple weeks ago after Danny's band's CD release show at Chop Suey, and that apparently devolved into a peptic ulcer that just won't quit. I'm on a proton pump inhibitor, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything a week in. I've lost more than 4 pounds in the last week, and on me that's a lot these days. I haven't been below 120lbs in a long time, and it's getting a little scary (especially given how much and how poorly I've been eating of late). I'm really hoping the vacation will straighten some stuff out.
I've been seeing a counselor to help deal with the grief of losing my dad and the trauma of finding him dead in a pool of blood in his apartment. It's helping a lot, but I'm still having nightmares and moments of high anxiety as I remember the feelings of panic, fear, desperation, and compltetly overwhelming grief that hit me in that moment. As the weeks have gone by, I'm missing him more and more...especially this weekend as I prepare to celebrate my entrance into the LATE 20's...bleh. It just doesn't seem right to celebrate without my dad. I don't particularly want to. But then, I had a dream a few nights ago that helped. I've been missing the phone calls from my dad that used to exasperate me so much; it's weird not to hear his voice on the phone, and I get a lot fewer calls now. In my dream my dad called me and I saw his name and picture on my caller I.D. I answered the phone, "Dad?!" in an incredulous voice. Dad said, "I have some info I thought you might be interested in." A typical line for my dad on the phone, but what struck me was hearing his voice, his ACTUAL voice in my dream for the first time in two months. I asked, "Where are you?" He answered without answering, "I like it here. It's cozy." I have no idea what that means, but it was SO GOOD to hear his voice. I hope and pray that I will continue to have dreams like that, nice phone calls where I get to hear my Daddy talk to me and tell me he's okay. It's hard living without him. It hurts.
It hurts all the time. If it's not the ulcer, it's excruciating headaches or a cold or depression waves that hit like drowning. I'm so grateful to have my wonderful husband who keeps me as centered as I can be right now, but I'm going through some crap. I'm not enjoying my job as much as I normally would, and I think it's just because I'm depressed. And I can't really see it getting better as we move into the holidays. I just hope this trip to California provides the relaxation, and closure, that I so desperately need.