Suffering Sorrow in Silence
Responding to a reply in my post on suicide, I realized toward the end that I had left brevity a few paragraphs back, and so decided instead to create a new post, rather than saddle them with a massive message.
They say it's the "quiet ones" that are often the more troublesome segments of our society. That's a theme that can be applied in every area of social interaction from deviant behavior, to exploitation and human rights abuses, to government corruption and corporate activity. We've seen the countless stories of people shocked at behavior in acquaintances when it comes to light. Can we not extrapolate from this that a similar situation exists with suicidal ideation?
One of the main problems lies in a social stigma toward revealing "weakness". Adults transfer this to young people by remaining silent about their own problems. Without the important acknowledgment by a child's strongest influence that internal problems like this are both a reality and okay to discuss, I think the natural inclination is to assume that mental health issues are abnormal and, therefore, not okay to experience or express.
Since receiving my own diagnosis I've read between the lines to a degree and found that there is in fact depression, at least in my mother's side of the family. I don't know how many deal with it, because no one discusses it. They generally don't discuss sad episodes like my uncle's suicide by ingesting drain cleaner, or my grandfather's alcoholism over the twenty years following my grandmother's early death at 49. My great grandmother spoke to very few people about growing up black in 1900s Georgia. Even if they talk about the people themselves, the dark times or difficult things aren't frequently brought up. The only reason I know anything is because I asked, but I certainly didn't think to do that when I was younger. I only knew that my grandfather was a borderline alcoholic and that it was an issue that sometimes affected the rest of us. It's entirely possible that openness about these things would not have helped. I do know that my mother was shocked that I felt reticent about talking to her about my problems, because she was always ready to talk to me if I needed it. I certainly don't blame her. More importantly, I made it clear that I did not. I also apologized a few for asking her to keep my attempt to herself, because while it was my experience, she also had to deal with the implications that swirled around in her own mind, and not to be able to talk about it with someone she trusted was likely painful.
The way in which difference and vulnerability are exploited among young people, is at its extreme like piranhas attacking an animal in distress. They don't simply exhibit this behavior in a vacuum. It's conduct that is learned and subtly (though often explictly) encouraged in ways that are too complex to discuss here without going off on a tangent. Of course children aren't the only ones who bully, otherwise target, or completely separate themselves those who rub them the wrong way or just seem different. Were someone deny that I would have no other choice than to question his or her intelligence or hold on reality. The result of such a climate is to discourage those suffering from coming forward, even to authority figures. How can they trust that they won't be taken seriously or mocked for their admission? Perhaps they extend the fear of ridicule/persecution to adults? If you add these concerns to the isolationist tendency of Depression and other maladies, you've got a truly unsettling picture.
Another key factor influencing this state of affairs is probably an unintended side-effect social rules governing civility. We consider it bad form to "pry" into people's lives too closely, kind of a social form of personal space. Unfortunately, with circumstances like your son described, likely the worse thing one can do is maintain a hands-off, wait and see approach. Backing away, not engaging the person for fear of offending them or appearing nosy just might encourage the self-destructive belief that no one cares. To make matters worse, sometimes you can develop a paranoia of sorts, with your mind screaming that people are doing things to hurt you, be it purposefully or unintentionally.
Sometimes just being open about one's own struggle, or actively connecting with someone instead of assuming s/he knows that you are there for them when they need to talk, can make a tremendous difference. I think it's particularly true for anyone who's dealing with these problems and doesn't know what's going on, why they're suffering, or how to approach getting help. Ultimately they have to take that step themselves, to reach out, but it can be hard when you think you're all you've got, and well-meaning people remain as silent in their concern as the suffering subject in their pain.
They say it's the "quiet ones" that are often the more troublesome segments of our society. That's a theme that can be applied in every area of social interaction from deviant behavior, to exploitation and human rights abuses, to government corruption and corporate activity. We've seen the countless stories of people shocked at behavior in acquaintances when it comes to light. Can we not extrapolate from this that a similar situation exists with suicidal ideation?
One of the main problems lies in a social stigma toward revealing "weakness". Adults transfer this to young people by remaining silent about their own problems. Without the important acknowledgment by a child's strongest influence that internal problems like this are both a reality and okay to discuss, I think the natural inclination is to assume that mental health issues are abnormal and, therefore, not okay to experience or express.
Since receiving my own diagnosis I've read between the lines to a degree and found that there is in fact depression, at least in my mother's side of the family. I don't know how many deal with it, because no one discusses it. They generally don't discuss sad episodes like my uncle's suicide by ingesting drain cleaner, or my grandfather's alcoholism over the twenty years following my grandmother's early death at 49. My great grandmother spoke to very few people about growing up black in 1900s Georgia. Even if they talk about the people themselves, the dark times or difficult things aren't frequently brought up. The only reason I know anything is because I asked, but I certainly didn't think to do that when I was younger. I only knew that my grandfather was a borderline alcoholic and that it was an issue that sometimes affected the rest of us. It's entirely possible that openness about these things would not have helped. I do know that my mother was shocked that I felt reticent about talking to her about my problems, because she was always ready to talk to me if I needed it. I certainly don't blame her. More importantly, I made it clear that I did not. I also apologized a few for asking her to keep my attempt to herself, because while it was my experience, she also had to deal with the implications that swirled around in her own mind, and not to be able to talk about it with someone she trusted was likely painful.
The way in which difference and vulnerability are exploited among young people, is at its extreme like piranhas attacking an animal in distress. They don't simply exhibit this behavior in a vacuum. It's conduct that is learned and subtly (though often explictly) encouraged in ways that are too complex to discuss here without going off on a tangent. Of course children aren't the only ones who bully, otherwise target, or completely separate themselves those who rub them the wrong way or just seem different. Were someone deny that I would have no other choice than to question his or her intelligence or hold on reality. The result of such a climate is to discourage those suffering from coming forward, even to authority figures. How can they trust that they won't be taken seriously or mocked for their admission? Perhaps they extend the fear of ridicule/persecution to adults? If you add these concerns to the isolationist tendency of Depression and other maladies, you've got a truly unsettling picture.
Another key factor influencing this state of affairs is probably an unintended side-effect social rules governing civility. We consider it bad form to "pry" into people's lives too closely, kind of a social form of personal space. Unfortunately, with circumstances like your son described, likely the worse thing one can do is maintain a hands-off, wait and see approach. Backing away, not engaging the person for fear of offending them or appearing nosy just might encourage the self-destructive belief that no one cares. To make matters worse, sometimes you can develop a paranoia of sorts, with your mind screaming that people are doing things to hurt you, be it purposefully or unintentionally.
Sometimes just being open about one's own struggle, or actively connecting with someone instead of assuming s/he knows that you are there for them when they need to talk, can make a tremendous difference. I think it's particularly true for anyone who's dealing with these problems and doesn't know what's going on, why they're suffering, or how to approach getting help. Ultimately they have to take that step themselves, to reach out, but it can be hard when you think you're all you've got, and well-meaning people remain as silent in their concern as the suffering subject in their pain.