Public Service Announcement
If ever you squirt jalapeño pepper juice onto your face, be sure to follow these steps:
1) Turn off the stove
2) Close your eyes and make sure it didn't actually get in your eye
3) Scream like McCully Caulkin in Home Alone, except with a fuckload of expletives included. If you're going to do the stupid hands on your face thing, don't do so before you wash your hands. That's how all of this mess got started in the first place. Just make sure you use dish soap and clean under your nails.
Note: All four of these steps must be done AT THE SAME TIME.
4) Try, in this order, the following to get rid of that fucking burning feeling, and reject them angrily, until the last item. This is your chance to play Helen Keller--remember to walk around, blindly in search of these items. If you feel the need to say "water" haltingly, as if you've never been able to speak, feel free.
a. Water
b. ice
c. water and ice
d. dawn dish soap
e. remember that water causes the oils TO SPREAD
f. call a friend that used to work at a Mexican restaurant (he's a Mexi-CAN)
g. yogurt
h. rubbing alcohol or lemon juice (lemon juice smells MUCH better, and you thought you had yet to unpack your rubbing alcohol, even though you find it later in the MEDICINE CABINET)
5) Armed with the lemon juice/rubbing alcohol, grab the nearest clean washcloth and soak the shit out of it. Apply it to your face.
6) Notice the return of the burning sensation, and reapply the "lemon poultice".
7) Realize now that your skin is likely burning because it's REALLY FUCKING DRY, because, well concentrated lemon juice is a hell of an astringent, dumb ass.
8) Grab a new washcloth, soak with cold water and apply until the lemon sting is gone.
9) Apply a liberal amount of moisturizer.
10) Feel your skin the next day and notice how much softer and smoother it is than the other part, and curse fate, because you sure as hell are not going to get jalapeño on your face again.
Somewhere along the line, you've finished cooking the meal you started. And it is mmm-mmm-GOOD!
http://mediumlarge.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/medlarge1060.jpg
1) Turn off the stove
2) Close your eyes and make sure it didn't actually get in your eye
3) Scream like McCully Caulkin in Home Alone, except with a fuckload of expletives included. If you're going to do the stupid hands on your face thing, don't do so before you wash your hands. That's how all of this mess got started in the first place. Just make sure you use dish soap and clean under your nails.
Note: All four of these steps must be done AT THE SAME TIME.
4) Try, in this order, the following to get rid of that fucking burning feeling, and reject them angrily, until the last item. This is your chance to play Helen Keller--remember to walk around, blindly in search of these items. If you feel the need to say "water" haltingly, as if you've never been able to speak, feel free.
a. Water
b. ice
c. water and ice
d. dawn dish soap
e. remember that water causes the oils TO SPREAD
f. call a friend that used to work at a Mexican restaurant (he's a Mexi-CAN)
g. yogurt
h. rubbing alcohol or lemon juice (lemon juice smells MUCH better, and you thought you had yet to unpack your rubbing alcohol, even though you find it later in the MEDICINE CABINET)
5) Armed with the lemon juice/rubbing alcohol, grab the nearest clean washcloth and soak the shit out of it. Apply it to your face.
6) Notice the return of the burning sensation, and reapply the "lemon poultice".
7) Realize now that your skin is likely burning because it's REALLY FUCKING DRY, because, well concentrated lemon juice is a hell of an astringent, dumb ass.
8) Grab a new washcloth, soak with cold water and apply until the lemon sting is gone.
9) Apply a liberal amount of moisturizer.
10) Feel your skin the next day and notice how much softer and smoother it is than the other part, and curse fate, because you sure as hell are not going to get jalapeño on your face again.
Somewhere along the line, you've finished cooking the meal you started. And it is mmm-mmm-GOOD!
http://mediumlarge.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/medlarge1060.jpg