Intimacy, Part One
As you move through life, eventually the people you share it with reach some pretty important milestones. Many of them find someone they'd like to grow old with. Some become parents, with or without a significant other by their side. If you're lucky, you might find yourself embarking on an actual career instead of a job. The strangest experience for me is definitely the more personal of these life changing events. I woke up suddenly, and I was 33, finding myself on the ever-shrinking list of single people in my small corner of the world. I'm not one of those types that think life isn't going to change, or that the people closest to me will always stay the same. Despite any personal conflicts I've had over the years, that is one thing I've never believed. Still, sometimes when I'm among my friends, along with the happiness I feel for the major steps they've taken is the occassional envy, followed by the question single people the world over ponder:
Why not me?
Although I like to consider myself a decent observer of human behavior, this question has a complex setnswers. The story may sound the same, with the presense of universal patterns of behavior that one can point to as an explanation. Yet the real answer is as individual as a fingerprint. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know what my deal is.
I'm a card-carrying member of the Cowards Club.
My cowardice has nothing to do with fear of committment. Hell, if I ever got to that stage I'd be a committment camel, able to hang in there for even the dry spell. I once thought my fear stemmed from body image issues--I'm heavier than I was ten years ago, I often don't like my complexion, blah blah-de blah. Yet when I was thinner (after losing weight the first time), and I was better looking in my opinion, the problem was still there. So while body image may in fact play a role, it seems to me more like an excuse, or a symptom.
No, my real problem is the dreaded fear of intimacy.
Even "fear of intimacy" as a concept is multi-faceted, be because it, too, is actually a symptom of something deeper. At the core is a mix of psychological and social development originating within the realm of personal experience, in which human interaction in its many guises plays a crucial role, even if defined by its absence.
Rather than wait until I'm completely finished, I've decided to post it as I complete sections. I'm thinking this through as I go. I've got so many topic competing for my attention, and this one by itself is a monster. I'm likely going to juggling several issues of interest at once, though I plan on sticking to my general habit of posting a more "A-Z" essay, even if it is part of a longer series.
Why not me?
Although I like to consider myself a decent observer of human behavior, this question has a complex setnswers. The story may sound the same, with the presense of universal patterns of behavior that one can point to as an explanation. Yet the real answer is as individual as a fingerprint. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know what my deal is.
I'm a card-carrying member of the Cowards Club.
My cowardice has nothing to do with fear of committment. Hell, if I ever got to that stage I'd be a committment camel, able to hang in there for even the dry spell. I once thought my fear stemmed from body image issues--I'm heavier than I was ten years ago, I often don't like my complexion, blah blah-de blah. Yet when I was thinner (after losing weight the first time), and I was better looking in my opinion, the problem was still there. So while body image may in fact play a role, it seems to me more like an excuse, or a symptom.
No, my real problem is the dreaded fear of intimacy.
Even "fear of intimacy" as a concept is multi-faceted, be because it, too, is actually a symptom of something deeper. At the core is a mix of psychological and social development originating within the realm of personal experience, in which human interaction in its many guises plays a crucial role, even if defined by its absence.
Rather than wait until I'm completely finished, I've decided to post it as I complete sections. I'm thinking this through as I go. I've got so many topic competing for my attention, and this one by itself is a monster. I'm likely going to juggling several issues of interest at once, though I plan on sticking to my general habit of posting a more "A-Z" essay, even if it is part of a longer series.