(no subject)
god, why do I feel like no matter what I have to compromise some important aspect of my personality to compensate for other people's lack of awareness. When I'm with interesting folks out at a show(kingsbury manx)and I'm thinking about my roomate that is content listening to our lady peace and bad religion-this precious girl whom I LOVE, I wonder why I fall in love with people that I can't hang out with. Why does my boyfriend love phish? Why did I see that band and feel glorious because he was so in love with me that night? Why is it enough to grin and bear it, when I can't fucking relate and he knows it.
And so tonight I hung out with scenesters and with careful attention I added only insight into every conversation, and when I told charles and jaque and thea about my thoughts they listened, whereas sandi or peter would just tune me out. How can someone so marvelous not be enough for me, and someone so selfish become my priority. I shouldn't be thinking about what vince will be like in a year, or listening to him tell me about the dream he had about me with my mouth agape nearly drooling. I'm on top of the world but I feel like I'm cheating someone. Why couldn't peter have been there with me. Can peter hang with my new favorite people? I know that he has an encyclopedic knowledge of jazz, but having an idea of what's "cool" is important, but knowing how to play music, and knowing where it all stems from is even more interesting. I find him fasinating, but more fasinating still is the idea that we can befriend this marvelous couple and share in everything that pittsburgh has to offer. Charles never met peter, but he talked plenty to vince about the california punk scene and what made the wave break. I'm lost all the time. I hear him drop names of these people that he's shared galleries with, and why LA punks had a misdirected gang mentality, and that his neighborhood is was mentioned by a suicidal tendencies frontman on mtv-but I don't care. I want to just exist as a person who can listen to her boyfriend play greatful dead songs and feel moved and not be shallow. I don't want to think that I could be with vincent in a few months. I want peter to be enough for me, and in a few months for him to still be enough. People won't change, and peter's love isn't going to go away because I make him listen to nuetral milk hotel while I cry about my father being a drunk. He knows all about me and so does sandy and that's enough. And vince is there for me to talk to. I am surrounded by love, so worrying about which coast is cooler is retarded. Thinking about what will happen in the future isn't on anyone's mind but mine, and I should just go with it. I will only lose everthing if I bet it all, and now isn't the time to make things romantic and turbulent. I'm drunk and babbling, but I fucking swear, having a great time tonight worries me.
And so tonight I hung out with scenesters and with careful attention I added only insight into every conversation, and when I told charles and jaque and thea about my thoughts they listened, whereas sandi or peter would just tune me out. How can someone so marvelous not be enough for me, and someone so selfish become my priority. I shouldn't be thinking about what vince will be like in a year, or listening to him tell me about the dream he had about me with my mouth agape nearly drooling. I'm on top of the world but I feel like I'm cheating someone. Why couldn't peter have been there with me. Can peter hang with my new favorite people? I know that he has an encyclopedic knowledge of jazz, but having an idea of what's "cool" is important, but knowing how to play music, and knowing where it all stems from is even more interesting. I find him fasinating, but more fasinating still is the idea that we can befriend this marvelous couple and share in everything that pittsburgh has to offer. Charles never met peter, but he talked plenty to vince about the california punk scene and what made the wave break. I'm lost all the time. I hear him drop names of these people that he's shared galleries with, and why LA punks had a misdirected gang mentality, and that his neighborhood is was mentioned by a suicidal tendencies frontman on mtv-but I don't care. I want to just exist as a person who can listen to her boyfriend play greatful dead songs and feel moved and not be shallow. I don't want to think that I could be with vincent in a few months. I want peter to be enough for me, and in a few months for him to still be enough. People won't change, and peter's love isn't going to go away because I make him listen to nuetral milk hotel while I cry about my father being a drunk. He knows all about me and so does sandy and that's enough. And vince is there for me to talk to. I am surrounded by love, so worrying about which coast is cooler is retarded. Thinking about what will happen in the future isn't on anyone's mind but mine, and I should just go with it. I will only lose everthing if I bet it all, and now isn't the time to make things romantic and turbulent. I'm drunk and babbling, but I fucking swear, having a great time tonight worries me.