not gonna write you a love song
I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and...
I feel okay today. Really okay. I got a good nights sleep. Nothing truly important accomplished besides chatting with good friends, and its nice to have friends. And to love friends, who are, in the end, the best measure of your character. My friends are not sycophants, they are not jerks, they are intelligent and inspired and i love to hear them talk. I feel like I want to call people and just hear them ramble on about things without actually speaking - I am sure I've been poor conversation.
He sent me flowers yesterday, and then called and apologized about it. The flowers are beautiful abut every time i look at them i get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I won't bore you with what the card said. I can't help but feel like I'm doing the right thing, each passing day, shores up my determination not to crumble. Need, is gross. I hate needing things, or people, or yeah you get the idea. I guess maybe my pride is well served by lonesomeness. I think I can be okay, I feel okay - today.
our twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
And love, I'm discovering, is a weird fancifulness. Its an abstract romantic notion of the mind. (No, I'm not going to start reading Nietzche and wearing all black.) I do want to say that relationships (for those of you who are in them...) are a two way street and if your not getting out of it as much as you are putting in its bad news. I don't need a fairy tale, and if I were really honest I never asked for one. The only thing I ever really wanted was the freedom to be myself, and now that I've moved in that direction the world seems to be bursting into Spring.
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am
And I have to admit, that his decision (or possible decision) not be my friend after three years of more-than-friendship isn't nice. I suppose I can understand it, but the other part of me is indignant about it. I am not an open door that people glide in and out of -- if he can't be a friend, if he's not desirous of my friendship more than however hard it is to be around someone you were more-than-friends with than fine. I understand. But really friendship is earned, and my entry-fee is often very very high.
Does he think it was easy for my other friends to hear from me less, or know that I was in love with someone who believed they had ulterior motivations for friendship? Does he think that its easy for them to put that asside and still be welcoming? I don't care if you're an ex, all friendships have hardships, but you need to decide if the person (regardless, of that person in relationship to you) is worth it. If you choose to fill your life with a garden of people that are edifying, or nutritious, non-toxic - are you will to deal with the other non-awesome stuff?
Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
So yay for me! I get Spring. And flowers from friends. And I can take my phone calls without feeling guilty. I can stay up late and read books again. I can hear the sound of my own thoughts, not tempered by someone asking me what I'm thinking, and if its about them. Maybe all of That is petty. I'm happy with being petty. I am happy with being an insignificant speck of life consumed with the millisecond of beauty that is my existence.
I'm going to Barbecue Steak and Hamburgers, eat robust salad, pull my own folding chairs downstairs on the strength of my own arms. Not feel bad or obligated for assistance but appreciate and feel confident that the appreciation is both understood and reciprocated. I'm going to lay in green grass and watch the sun move across the sky. If I can't love him, I could be very happy just loving the world, and life.
If all you have is leaving
I'm gonna need a better reason
to write you a love song today
SARA BAREILLES - "Love Song" - Yup, I heard it this morning and have been singing it all day:)