With the use of that filter relating Christopher...
So. Okay. I've finally gotten around to letting you all know. But my mind is still really fucked up, especially since I just "first drafted" an e-mail to Chris. But okay, from the beginning.
I got a package from him. Completely unexpected, obviously. And right up until the minute I ripped open the envelope and poured the contents onto the counter I was so afraid he didn't want to talk to me after this, he was mad at me, this was his last contact and a goodbye of sorts. But when a three page letter, two mixtapes, a book wrapped in plastic wrap, two postcards and a bunch of the tranny sex at clippings covered in green glittery gel pen like packages previous I sighed immensely both inside and out and knew it couldn't be as bad as all that. Though I still had my doubts...until I read the letter.
The first page and a half was his usual Chris-esque babbling about David Bowie and his favourite actresses and poets and blah blah blah, charming the second time I read it but the first time I skipped it all. I mean it was hard enough for me to concentrate anyway. I was having a panic attack the enitre time, it ws like I couldn't cry cos my eyes just wanted me to read. I cried later though, oh how I cried.
Anyway, apparently he's been "underground" for the last six months and recently he was found out by a friend of his, and he'll probably be "underground" for the next six months or so, as well. But the part I kept reading over and over (a sort of rubbing my eyes in disbelief) is quoted below:
"If it makes you feel any better, or at least get a better perspective on it, I disconnected from everyone...you, internet peeps, St. Louisians, Nashvillians (no great loss there)...but you're the only one I'm contacting so far (well except the one person who expertly scouted me out), mainly because you're the only one I'm not indifferent to. haha! I know that sounds lame, but...whether I remain friends with any of them or not doesn't really matter to me...but I don't want to lose you. Yeah...I know, even more lame. Bah. You're my best friend and I love you dearly...and despite my trademark pissy comments, I don't think that's any huge secret."
That's just a summary of everything, but that'd enough I think, and should you really want to know more about that I guess you can e-mail me...
The book wrapped in plastic wrap was a book of poetry with flower petals marking his favourites. I mean I hate poetry and he knows that but that's just so...romantic. I don't know. Or it would be if anyone else did it...with Chris it's like...he knows it's romantic but he's doing it anyway. Kind of. Yes.
Dearest Crusto(pher Shane),
Please forgive the long amount of time it took me to write you, though I doubt you would have noticed much because of your infrequent checking of the e-mail. I had to give myself enough time to wrap my head around the situation, it took me two days to actually calm down about it. I got it on a Friday. It was rainy. I almost had a panic attack when i checked the mail, I was so surprised. Friday I was just so glad to have heard from you. Saturday I was sad all day. Sunday I was more neutral. Then I had horrible, horrible school. So here I am, finally e-mailing you. I didn’t want to wait too long, I didn’t want you to get the idea that I didn’t want to talk to you anymore. Speaking of which...
Yes Friday was spent crying sporadically out of sheer joy. But Saturday I reread your letter and I just...I almost wondered if I should be mad at you, it’s almost as if you were implying me to be. And I wasn’t. I just had to think...am I just being forgiving because it’s easier, like when I’ve gone back out with an ex-boyfriend because it was too hard to pull away? I’m ashamed that I had to think such a thing on two counts a. that I’ve done it before and b. to think you could leave me feeling that way. But you didn’t. I love you more than anyone else in my life. I would never want to lose you.
Your package actually came at a great time, I was seriously this | | close to just giving up, assuming you were dead or didn’t want anything to do with me anymore or something else. I was just tired of thinking about it. I was tired of thinking the person I cared about more than basically anything in the world just gave up on me and our friendship. And when I read that line “with six months without contact, who knows what damage one year could do” I was so glad you realised that. Because not one day has gone by I haven’t thought about you or wondered where you were and it would be so hard to have to sever off that part of my brain (metaphorically).
As for all the things you liked to call “lame ”...that meant so much to me, really. I guess it’s weird that it took something like that for me to fully understand how much you care about me, but I’m glad I know. I’m glad you told me. And the fact you never told me these things very often made them all the more special and important to me.
I really hope everything is okay, and I would like to know what caused you to go “underground” for the last six months as well as the next six months or so. I mean, assuming you want to and will tell me as much or as little as you want. I hope it’s nothing too tragic... I can’t even make a lead here because I don’t know if your disappearance was caused by an actual event or a sort of prolonged mood swing (bad choice of words there, forgive me) or whathaveyou. I’d hate to think of anything terrible happening.
But...I’m glad you aren’t dead? Really. Weird enough you suggested that, I thought that so many times. I’m appreciative that you thought I was hurt (and was, as I’m sure you can tell by now) otherwise I would have wished for you to see the look on my face as I rang the doorbell at your last address waiting for SOMEthing and when nothing happened I was both relieved of nervousness and that you wouldn’t tell me off to my face (at that point I thought you weren’t talking to me cos you were mad at me) and horribly disappointed and crushed. But I could never wish that on you, not unless you didn’t something utterly hateful. But you’ve been very considerate of my feelings given the circumstances.
I know this e-mail sends very mixed signals? Yeah. I’m just so glad to have heard from you and that you still care about me, but I miss you so much and it’s hard to wait another six months. I’ll get through, the last six months were no doubt worse. And you need to visit me, I’m taking you up on your offer wholeheartedly. Because you “owe me”, I guess? And I need you. I miss you so much. I love you even more. Take care.
Love,
Sarah louise
Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring.
I got a package from him. Completely unexpected, obviously. And right up until the minute I ripped open the envelope and poured the contents onto the counter I was so afraid he didn't want to talk to me after this, he was mad at me, this was his last contact and a goodbye of sorts. But when a three page letter, two mixtapes, a book wrapped in plastic wrap, two postcards and a bunch of the tranny sex at clippings covered in green glittery gel pen like packages previous I sighed immensely both inside and out and knew it couldn't be as bad as all that. Though I still had my doubts...until I read the letter.
The first page and a half was his usual Chris-esque babbling about David Bowie and his favourite actresses and poets and blah blah blah, charming the second time I read it but the first time I skipped it all. I mean it was hard enough for me to concentrate anyway. I was having a panic attack the enitre time, it ws like I couldn't cry cos my eyes just wanted me to read. I cried later though, oh how I cried.
Anyway, apparently he's been "underground" for the last six months and recently he was found out by a friend of his, and he'll probably be "underground" for the next six months or so, as well. But the part I kept reading over and over (a sort of rubbing my eyes in disbelief) is quoted below:
"If it makes you feel any better, or at least get a better perspective on it, I disconnected from everyone...you, internet peeps, St. Louisians, Nashvillians (no great loss there)...but you're the only one I'm contacting so far (well except the one person who expertly scouted me out), mainly because you're the only one I'm not indifferent to. haha! I know that sounds lame, but...whether I remain friends with any of them or not doesn't really matter to me...but I don't want to lose you. Yeah...I know, even more lame. Bah. You're my best friend and I love you dearly...and despite my trademark pissy comments, I don't think that's any huge secret."
That's just a summary of everything, but that'd enough I think, and should you really want to know more about that I guess you can e-mail me...
The book wrapped in plastic wrap was a book of poetry with flower petals marking his favourites. I mean I hate poetry and he knows that but that's just so...romantic. I don't know. Or it would be if anyone else did it...with Chris it's like...he knows it's romantic but he's doing it anyway. Kind of. Yes.
Dearest Crusto(pher Shane),
Please forgive the long amount of time it took me to write you, though I doubt you would have noticed much because of your infrequent checking of the e-mail. I had to give myself enough time to wrap my head around the situation, it took me two days to actually calm down about it. I got it on a Friday. It was rainy. I almost had a panic attack when i checked the mail, I was so surprised. Friday I was just so glad to have heard from you. Saturday I was sad all day. Sunday I was more neutral. Then I had horrible, horrible school. So here I am, finally e-mailing you. I didn’t want to wait too long, I didn’t want you to get the idea that I didn’t want to talk to you anymore. Speaking of which...
Yes Friday was spent crying sporadically out of sheer joy. But Saturday I reread your letter and I just...I almost wondered if I should be mad at you, it’s almost as if you were implying me to be. And I wasn’t. I just had to think...am I just being forgiving because it’s easier, like when I’ve gone back out with an ex-boyfriend because it was too hard to pull away? I’m ashamed that I had to think such a thing on two counts a. that I’ve done it before and b. to think you could leave me feeling that way. But you didn’t. I love you more than anyone else in my life. I would never want to lose you.
Your package actually came at a great time, I was seriously this | | close to just giving up, assuming you were dead or didn’t want anything to do with me anymore or something else. I was just tired of thinking about it. I was tired of thinking the person I cared about more than basically anything in the world just gave up on me and our friendship. And when I read that line “with six months without contact, who knows what damage one year could do” I was so glad you realised that. Because not one day has gone by I haven’t thought about you or wondered where you were and it would be so hard to have to sever off that part of my brain (metaphorically).
As for all the things you liked to call “lame ”...that meant so much to me, really. I guess it’s weird that it took something like that for me to fully understand how much you care about me, but I’m glad I know. I’m glad you told me. And the fact you never told me these things very often made them all the more special and important to me.
I really hope everything is okay, and I would like to know what caused you to go “underground” for the last six months as well as the next six months or so. I mean, assuming you want to and will tell me as much or as little as you want. I hope it’s nothing too tragic... I can’t even make a lead here because I don’t know if your disappearance was caused by an actual event or a sort of prolonged mood swing (bad choice of words there, forgive me) or whathaveyou. I’d hate to think of anything terrible happening.
But...I’m glad you aren’t dead? Really. Weird enough you suggested that, I thought that so many times. I’m appreciative that you thought I was hurt (and was, as I’m sure you can tell by now) otherwise I would have wished for you to see the look on my face as I rang the doorbell at your last address waiting for SOMEthing and when nothing happened I was both relieved of nervousness and that you wouldn’t tell me off to my face (at that point I thought you weren’t talking to me cos you were mad at me) and horribly disappointed and crushed. But I could never wish that on you, not unless you didn’t something utterly hateful. But you’ve been very considerate of my feelings given the circumstances.
I know this e-mail sends very mixed signals? Yeah. I’m just so glad to have heard from you and that you still care about me, but I miss you so much and it’s hard to wait another six months. I’ll get through, the last six months were no doubt worse. And you need to visit me, I’m taking you up on your offer wholeheartedly. Because you “owe me”, I guess? And I need you. I miss you so much. I love you even more. Take care.
Love,
Sarah louise
Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring.