PostChristian or PostChurch?
Sunday morning was a thing I looked forward to for years of my life. I enjoyed church until I was 11 or so, then I felt my first of many betrayals during VBS when a pastor thought we were old enough to know the "true" meaning of the Genesis creation story. Yeah, women are source of all evil and sin in the world and are pretty much worthless and untrustworthy. What a bitter old man he was.
However, once we moved and went to a less hateful but still oppressive church, I personally requested and sought out being confirmed when I was 14. I did it knowing that I understood Jesus and my faith to be different than theirs, but confident it was the right thing to do and that God didn't really care about the crap they (pastor and elders) felt was important.
I pretty much avoided church except for advent/christmas, lent/easter. Lent and Easter are still my favorite of the Christian holidays. They are what help bring meaning and purpose to the crucifixion and resurrection for me. However, I sought out wisdom from almost every religion other than christianity. I found God's presence to be very strong in my life and through discenrment gave Christianity another chance... seeking a way to be an agent of change for God in the world.
At 21, I began church shopping, with the intent of finding a church that 1. ordains women, 2. is christian centered but open minded about interpretation of what that looks like. I had accepted Christianity back into my life fully with the condition that I was allowed to define who Jesus was to me on my own and no question would be denied or turned away. Hermeneutic of suspicion some call it. I call it empowerment. I had felt the presence of the divine many times up to that point, and no one could tell me that God had abandoned me for thinking differently than they.
I immersed myself in church community, overfunctioning with the best of them, then 3 years later went to seminary for 4 years. During seminary, I didn't go to church voluntarily very often (without being required for internships or coerced to go) except for seminary chapel 3x/week. Even my interest in chapel started to wane and I only went when there was something interesting or something that sounded like it would fill my spirit. I loved my internships, even when I was miserable, and didn't realize til my senior year that the seminary staff manipulated and coerced me into thinking it was my duty to serve the churches, even though it wasn't a perfect fit. I was good (not great) at what I did, but it didn't fill me or stir a passionate calling in me. My last year of seminary, okay, maybe it was 2 years, was filled with questions that I may be past the church, be post-christian. I really didn't want to give up on something that fed me during important parts of my life, but honestly, the liberal church is dying...and my loyalty and faith has never been in the church, but in God. I see the death and resurrection of religions to be natural. And by then, I had experienced chaplaincy and found my passionate call again... .to be with those without a church family.
During my chaplain residency, I was tested over and over.... Not about the needs of Christian patients, but in class discussions with other residents whose judgemental reflection of their theology challenged me. I became increasingly disappointed in the church as I served more and more disenfranchised people of God. People who felt angry/betrayed by the church for one thing or another and angry/betrayed at God... because their church doctrine tells them their suffering is all God's fault... God controls everything.
I even questioned becoming ordained. Not because of lack of faith in myself or the strength of my skills or beliefs... but because... well, the reasons are numerous and mostly pertain to my progressive feminist process theology. I chose to be ordained for 2 reasons: 1. some of my patients believe it is important and I'm here to serve them as God's agent in the world. 2. While I feel the power structure is false and misleading, I refuse to be left without power (in society's eyes) when I am equally as qualified and worthy.
OVER AND OVER I chose to go through the hoops that led to my MDiv, ordination and chaplain job because I wanted to learn and grow and because whenever I faced another fiery hoop to jump through that the school, denomination, or CPE required, I didn't just go through the motions they wanted... I made it my own, on my own terms, letting my relationship to the divine guide me rather than the pressures of a man-created system. I struggled and kavetched and dragged my feet and worried over every step until a path became clear.
I'm reviewing all this as I'm contemplating why I just cannot get myself to enter my home church. I think it's been since my ordination that I haven't stepped one foot into it. Lent is my favorite season. It gives the liturgical cycle meaning for me. And yet, I didn't even go for Ash Wednesday. It's not them, it's me. They fulfill most of the needs I have for a church, even a good group of young theologically trained adults. But it's Sunday morning and once again i'm not going.
i'm also reviewing this journey, because I wonder if I truly am postChristian. I'm not sure what that means for me and my life and call. Really, since somw owuld see me as postchristian this whole journey, it may not change anything at all. I still value and respect and even love parts of Christianity. I'm not hateful or intent to throw it away. I'm content to provide the needs of my Christian patients and families. I don't think my ordination is a lie or that when I "speak Christian" that I am lying or insincere. It is a part of me. And that part of me says "Don't allow other people to define what is and isn't Christian." Then I feel better.
But for my personal fulfillment, I'm not sure seeking community through church will work anymore... even in a church as cool as mine. So, maybe the word isn't post christian but post church. That brings alot more questions too... but I'll ponder those another day.
However, once we moved and went to a less hateful but still oppressive church, I personally requested and sought out being confirmed when I was 14. I did it knowing that I understood Jesus and my faith to be different than theirs, but confident it was the right thing to do and that God didn't really care about the crap they (pastor and elders) felt was important.
I pretty much avoided church except for advent/christmas, lent/easter. Lent and Easter are still my favorite of the Christian holidays. They are what help bring meaning and purpose to the crucifixion and resurrection for me. However, I sought out wisdom from almost every religion other than christianity. I found God's presence to be very strong in my life and through discenrment gave Christianity another chance... seeking a way to be an agent of change for God in the world.
At 21, I began church shopping, with the intent of finding a church that 1. ordains women, 2. is christian centered but open minded about interpretation of what that looks like. I had accepted Christianity back into my life fully with the condition that I was allowed to define who Jesus was to me on my own and no question would be denied or turned away. Hermeneutic of suspicion some call it. I call it empowerment. I had felt the presence of the divine many times up to that point, and no one could tell me that God had abandoned me for thinking differently than they.
I immersed myself in church community, overfunctioning with the best of them, then 3 years later went to seminary for 4 years. During seminary, I didn't go to church voluntarily very often (without being required for internships or coerced to go) except for seminary chapel 3x/week. Even my interest in chapel started to wane and I only went when there was something interesting or something that sounded like it would fill my spirit. I loved my internships, even when I was miserable, and didn't realize til my senior year that the seminary staff manipulated and coerced me into thinking it was my duty to serve the churches, even though it wasn't a perfect fit. I was good (not great) at what I did, but it didn't fill me or stir a passionate calling in me. My last year of seminary, okay, maybe it was 2 years, was filled with questions that I may be past the church, be post-christian. I really didn't want to give up on something that fed me during important parts of my life, but honestly, the liberal church is dying...and my loyalty and faith has never been in the church, but in God. I see the death and resurrection of religions to be natural. And by then, I had experienced chaplaincy and found my passionate call again... .to be with those without a church family.
During my chaplain residency, I was tested over and over.... Not about the needs of Christian patients, but in class discussions with other residents whose judgemental reflection of their theology challenged me. I became increasingly disappointed in the church as I served more and more disenfranchised people of God. People who felt angry/betrayed by the church for one thing or another and angry/betrayed at God... because their church doctrine tells them their suffering is all God's fault... God controls everything.
I even questioned becoming ordained. Not because of lack of faith in myself or the strength of my skills or beliefs... but because... well, the reasons are numerous and mostly pertain to my progressive feminist process theology. I chose to be ordained for 2 reasons: 1. some of my patients believe it is important and I'm here to serve them as God's agent in the world. 2. While I feel the power structure is false and misleading, I refuse to be left without power (in society's eyes) when I am equally as qualified and worthy.
OVER AND OVER I chose to go through the hoops that led to my MDiv, ordination and chaplain job because I wanted to learn and grow and because whenever I faced another fiery hoop to jump through that the school, denomination, or CPE required, I didn't just go through the motions they wanted... I made it my own, on my own terms, letting my relationship to the divine guide me rather than the pressures of a man-created system. I struggled and kavetched and dragged my feet and worried over every step until a path became clear.
I'm reviewing all this as I'm contemplating why I just cannot get myself to enter my home church. I think it's been since my ordination that I haven't stepped one foot into it. Lent is my favorite season. It gives the liturgical cycle meaning for me. And yet, I didn't even go for Ash Wednesday. It's not them, it's me. They fulfill most of the needs I have for a church, even a good group of young theologically trained adults. But it's Sunday morning and once again i'm not going.
i'm also reviewing this journey, because I wonder if I truly am postChristian. I'm not sure what that means for me and my life and call. Really, since somw owuld see me as postchristian this whole journey, it may not change anything at all. I still value and respect and even love parts of Christianity. I'm not hateful or intent to throw it away. I'm content to provide the needs of my Christian patients and families. I don't think my ordination is a lie or that when I "speak Christian" that I am lying or insincere. It is a part of me. And that part of me says "Don't allow other people to define what is and isn't Christian." Then I feel better.
But for my personal fulfillment, I'm not sure seeking community through church will work anymore... even in a church as cool as mine. So, maybe the word isn't post christian but post church. That brings alot more questions too... but I'll ponder those another day.