Ever feel like you're in a nightmare?
This morning I was visiting a patient in a Dementia unit at a nursing home. We sit in the common room at a table and she flips through magazine pages, pointing at pictures and mostly speaking nonsense. I enjoy it for the most part. But today, another patient who I've not seen there before decides to yell "Boy, you're fat! Look at how fat she is!" as I walk by her, shocking everyone around and causing everyone to look at me (I'd say about 20 people, 6 of those workers). I sat down next to the woman I was visiting and laughed it off. However, inside I felt like I was slapped. It's really not important that a demented person said something inappropriate, it happens all the time. They are like kids with no filters on their mouths.
The awful part is that it sparked a childhood nightmare that I dreaded having and always imagined might happen at any moment.... being in a roomful of people and someone pointing at me and calling me fat and everyone laughing at me. The funny thing is that as a child I had some chubby moments, but I was far from obese. Now, I believe doctors call me morbidly obese. Such a lovely turn of phrase.
I remember being such a shy and conscientious kid. I was afraid all the time that people were talking about me behind my back and only tolerated me because they had to. A lot of this is of course because that was how I felt at home most of the time as well. Looking back, I know that it was mostly all in my mind. Not all of it, though, since I would hear people whispering about me or saying something gossipy or mean about me. But really, no one ever called me fat. It was more about how much of a nerd I was and how socially awkward I was... not that little kids or parents use such nice words. I remember girls getting me to trust them and like them just to have them taunt me and laugh at how stupid i was to ever think they were my friend. Really builds up trust in the human race, doesn't it? Anyway, it was a HUGE relief when I realized that I wasn't important enough for people to talk about all the time. I'm just one person and what I do or don't do isn't a news-breaking event. Talk about an inflated ego to even think that.
Back to my living nightmare. I was sitting with my patient, making small talk about her clothes and the pretty pictures in the magazine, while inside I was freaking out. That woman who yelled at me was between me and the exit. I would have to walk by her and risk being yelled at yet again. Eventually I worked up my courage and left. I walked passed her and thought I was about to get away when she yells to the aid "Can you believe how fat she is?"
I thought about talking with her, but really, I just wanted to get out of there. Besides, there's no reasoning with a demented person. Actually, there's usually no reasoning with mean, spiteful people either.
The awful part is that it sparked a childhood nightmare that I dreaded having and always imagined might happen at any moment.... being in a roomful of people and someone pointing at me and calling me fat and everyone laughing at me. The funny thing is that as a child I had some chubby moments, but I was far from obese. Now, I believe doctors call me morbidly obese. Such a lovely turn of phrase.
I remember being such a shy and conscientious kid. I was afraid all the time that people were talking about me behind my back and only tolerated me because they had to. A lot of this is of course because that was how I felt at home most of the time as well. Looking back, I know that it was mostly all in my mind. Not all of it, though, since I would hear people whispering about me or saying something gossipy or mean about me. But really, no one ever called me fat. It was more about how much of a nerd I was and how socially awkward I was... not that little kids or parents use such nice words. I remember girls getting me to trust them and like them just to have them taunt me and laugh at how stupid i was to ever think they were my friend. Really builds up trust in the human race, doesn't it? Anyway, it was a HUGE relief when I realized that I wasn't important enough for people to talk about all the time. I'm just one person and what I do or don't do isn't a news-breaking event. Talk about an inflated ego to even think that.
Back to my living nightmare. I was sitting with my patient, making small talk about her clothes and the pretty pictures in the magazine, while inside I was freaking out. That woman who yelled at me was between me and the exit. I would have to walk by her and risk being yelled at yet again. Eventually I worked up my courage and left. I walked passed her and thought I was about to get away when she yells to the aid "Can you believe how fat she is?"
I thought about talking with her, but really, I just wanted to get out of there. Besides, there's no reasoning with a demented person. Actually, there's usually no reasoning with mean, spiteful people either.