Reflections
Anxiety is one of the symptoms that I'm always wondering where the root of it comes from. I've had counseling and taken SSRI's in the past for "generalized anxiety disorder" because I truly believe these methods are helpful... not so much because I believe I have a disorder. One of the books I read in seminary is still a useful resource for me. It's called "Healing Through the Dark Emotions" by Miriam Greenspan (Shambala, 2003). In it, she outlines where so much of this anxiety comes from for so many people in Western countries. The sources are some that we can control and some we can't. The hardest struggle of anxiety is discerning when it's justified and "normal" and when it gets out of hand. Even extreme anxiety is "normal" during times of extreme stress, such as switching jobs, planning a wedding... all major life changes.
So, for the past few years, I've felt like I was going crazy... that my anxiety about my health was becoming neurotic. Doctors couldn't find a source for my ailments, so they diagnose me with anxiety and fibromyalgia. Family and friends would tell me they wondered if depression and anxiety were aggravating or even causing my symptoms. I constantly was evaluating and discerning... and sought help through counseling and medication, even though I wasn't convinced it was some disorder. When my thyroid tests finally came back as "acute onset hypothyroid" my doctors acted like "oh, of course." when just months prior to this, they were asking about increases to SSRI's and making sure I was seeing a counselor. No doctor was willing to do any further testing of my thyroid (some of which would have shown something was going on) because the standard tests came back normal. I'm not blaming them... so many diesases and disorders have similar symptoms. HOWEVER, if I had not been persistent for past 3 years that something was wrong, I'd be back to where I was 6 months ago... exhausted on every level, in pain 24/7, and the long list of other complaints.
So, now, here I am trying to become healthy enough to attempt pregnancy. And so many of the same people who thought I was being neurotic asking for so many tests and going to at least a dozen doctors, are skeptical and negative about me ever being pregnant. I want to SCREAM bloody murder. Just six months ago, I was looking at a list of things I thought I'd never be able to do again, such as drive my husband's stick shift pick up truck, because of limitations to my body and abilities. Today i drove that truck to work with hardly any problems. I thought that I'd never be able to be as active as I used to be, with exercise classes and volunteering, because just making dinner after work was too exhausting to do. And now I'm in water aerobics and hanging out with friends more than I have in a couple years.
With each diagnoses, I am faced with a major change in my life and future. I think that some anxiety is warranted. Combine that with the fact these diagnoses affect hormones and metabolism... HELL YEAH I get more emotional than I used to. Life is good. And I'm enjoying it 95% of the time, which is more than most people I know.
Despite being self-assured that I'm not crazy or neurotic or obsessive, it still hurts when people I care about and value their opinion give me crap about where I am right now. My mom is probably the one criticizer that hurts the most. I realize that it's because she doesn't want to sacrifice my health or my life to the process of getting pregnant. But, I'm not her fucking chaplain, I'm her daughter. It doesn't matter. Not only does it remind me of every other life decision I've made that she's not supported, it also reminds me of the year I found out about my brain aneurysm.
While the doctors were testing me for the 6 months between initial diagnosis and final prognosis (when they finally said I wasn't going to keel over and die), I felt so alone and isolated and had no clue why. The week before I went in for my prognosis, Mom's church had a prayer service for me, where dozens of people showed up. When individuals came up to lay their hands on me, I expected the people closest to me to feel the most special and warmest. Strangers, collegues and acquaintances went first and many times I felt such a wonderful warmth spread from their hand to my soul. It was wonderful. But when it came time for my mom and then my best friend, they were so cold. I felt them sucking the warmth straight out of my spirit and into themselves. I realized then that their fear of losing me was stronger than my fear of dying. I also realized that sometimes the people closest to me are not the ones that can provide the greatest support. In fact, it was the prayer group from Mom's church, all people I didn't know, that fed my spirit the greatest. It's an insight that no doubt aided my discernment towards chaplaincy and one that is invaluable to my ministry.
So, it should not have been a surprise when I called my mom to share the good news of being off birth control that she was not excited at all and very critical of my decisions. She interrogated me about my doctor's visits and I got my back up because it felt like she was treating me like I was stupid and rash... instead of someone who has thoroughly researched and investigated every aspect about this decision. What is it about moms that can make one feel stupid and small? (and defensive)
Anyway, I re-learned the lesson that the best support doesn't always come from those you may feel are closest to you.
So, for the past few years, I've felt like I was going crazy... that my anxiety about my health was becoming neurotic. Doctors couldn't find a source for my ailments, so they diagnose me with anxiety and fibromyalgia. Family and friends would tell me they wondered if depression and anxiety were aggravating or even causing my symptoms. I constantly was evaluating and discerning... and sought help through counseling and medication, even though I wasn't convinced it was some disorder. When my thyroid tests finally came back as "acute onset hypothyroid" my doctors acted like "oh, of course." when just months prior to this, they were asking about increases to SSRI's and making sure I was seeing a counselor. No doctor was willing to do any further testing of my thyroid (some of which would have shown something was going on) because the standard tests came back normal. I'm not blaming them... so many diesases and disorders have similar symptoms. HOWEVER, if I had not been persistent for past 3 years that something was wrong, I'd be back to where I was 6 months ago... exhausted on every level, in pain 24/7, and the long list of other complaints.
So, now, here I am trying to become healthy enough to attempt pregnancy. And so many of the same people who thought I was being neurotic asking for so many tests and going to at least a dozen doctors, are skeptical and negative about me ever being pregnant. I want to SCREAM bloody murder. Just six months ago, I was looking at a list of things I thought I'd never be able to do again, such as drive my husband's stick shift pick up truck, because of limitations to my body and abilities. Today i drove that truck to work with hardly any problems. I thought that I'd never be able to be as active as I used to be, with exercise classes and volunteering, because just making dinner after work was too exhausting to do. And now I'm in water aerobics and hanging out with friends more than I have in a couple years.
With each diagnoses, I am faced with a major change in my life and future. I think that some anxiety is warranted. Combine that with the fact these diagnoses affect hormones and metabolism... HELL YEAH I get more emotional than I used to. Life is good. And I'm enjoying it 95% of the time, which is more than most people I know.
Despite being self-assured that I'm not crazy or neurotic or obsessive, it still hurts when people I care about and value their opinion give me crap about where I am right now. My mom is probably the one criticizer that hurts the most. I realize that it's because she doesn't want to sacrifice my health or my life to the process of getting pregnant. But, I'm not her fucking chaplain, I'm her daughter. It doesn't matter. Not only does it remind me of every other life decision I've made that she's not supported, it also reminds me of the year I found out about my brain aneurysm.
While the doctors were testing me for the 6 months between initial diagnosis and final prognosis (when they finally said I wasn't going to keel over and die), I felt so alone and isolated and had no clue why. The week before I went in for my prognosis, Mom's church had a prayer service for me, where dozens of people showed up. When individuals came up to lay their hands on me, I expected the people closest to me to feel the most special and warmest. Strangers, collegues and acquaintances went first and many times I felt such a wonderful warmth spread from their hand to my soul. It was wonderful. But when it came time for my mom and then my best friend, they were so cold. I felt them sucking the warmth straight out of my spirit and into themselves. I realized then that their fear of losing me was stronger than my fear of dying. I also realized that sometimes the people closest to me are not the ones that can provide the greatest support. In fact, it was the prayer group from Mom's church, all people I didn't know, that fed my spirit the greatest. It's an insight that no doubt aided my discernment towards chaplaincy and one that is invaluable to my ministry.
So, it should not have been a surprise when I called my mom to share the good news of being off birth control that she was not excited at all and very critical of my decisions. She interrogated me about my doctor's visits and I got my back up because it felt like she was treating me like I was stupid and rash... instead of someone who has thoroughly researched and investigated every aspect about this decision. What is it about moms that can make one feel stupid and small? (and defensive)
Anyway, I re-learned the lesson that the best support doesn't always come from those you may feel are closest to you.