I feel kinda of blah(g) today.
Well, I haven't written in this thing in a while, so I'm just gonna write.
I've always tended to write too much in online journals about myself, but I try to keep my most inner feelings away, or in a private place somewhere (even if it is just a private entry online).
Being at home in FC has been good. Although I miss Jared terribly, along with my college friends, it's been very good for me to be at home with grandma for a little while. Truthfully, I think both of us needed it...now, that doesn't change the fact that I can never live with the woman full-time again. I love her to death, and I do enjoy being with her, but let's be honest - we still have the same horrible, terrible generation gap we've always had.
Many girls say their mothers have only gotten smarter as they've grown up. I never claimed to know everything, and I don't think my grandma is any smarter now than she was back then...she just can't tell me what to do anymore. I hate to say this, but about half the things she told me as a kid/teenager have STILL not turned out to be true (then again, half the things she told me have...but a 50% error rate isn't good when it comes to parenting).
With all the people I've observed in college, I've learned a parent can really only do so much. By limiting what I could do out of "moral standards" (or, as I really believe, fear that I would turn into my birthparents), I'm pretty sure she just kept me in childhood longer. I mean, really, I wasn't allowed to ride my bicycle around my block until I was 12, was not allowed to drive myself to Roanoke (30 minutes away) until I was 18, and she BARELY let me go to Warped Tour at age 20 (she changed her mind again when I asked her again at age 21, so I just said I was going to Radford for a few days and went without telling her).
I really feel a lot younger than 22, which is good, I guess...but a lot of my friends keep whining about their lost youth. This, again, is good for me, because I feel like I've just starting living - I can do whatever I want now and it's FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I can hang out with my friends for as long as I want without having to be home by dark (because according to grandma, nothing good happened after dark), I can color my hair any color I want (because there's no one telling me every 5 seconds how terrible my 3-tone hair looks), and...well, did I mention I can stay out as late as I want, or not even come home if I feel like it?
On the other hand, there are most definitely some things I should've listened to her about, that she was very very right on. Mostly this has been dating advice (every piece of advice she's ever given me has been true), but I really needed to experience the things she told me not to do, before I learned why I shouldn't do them. I've always been someone that needs more reason than just "you're not doing that, because you're just not going to." I forgive her, I guess...I'm just pretty sure she cut down majorly on the friends and social growth opportunities I had back in those days...I say social growth because I was pretty dumb my freshman year of college when it came to hanging out a lot...grandma always said that "spending too much time with people gets you into trouble." This is true in a lot of cases, but...every person is different. Spending too much time with my REAL friends only lets me have a really good time. Sure, we fight, but that's part of relationships - you gotta work at it. How are you supposed to learn to work at relationships if you're forced to come home before dark??
Please please don't get me wrong. My grandma is the most loving, selfless person I've ever known. She did the best she thought she knew how to do, she just didn't realize that we were SO different, her and I. She's sad a lot these days, but she has a very fucking good reason to be. It's been hard for me to be at home with all these memories of grandpa around...I can't even imagine what it must be like for her to be alone here, day after day, without the ability to drive. People have stopped coming to visit, so I can understand even better now why every time I call her, she sounds upset. This house is just like a big silent vaccuum...the country is just so deathly quiet. I try to play piano as much as possible, since she doesn't really like the radio, but I have to do things like sleep, eat, and do chores sometimes, y'know?
The bad thing about feeling like I'm not grown up yet is the fact that I still don't take on a lot of responsibilities that I should...
...like cleaning...
...doing homework on time...
...studying more.....
Grandma used to just be on my back constantly about my homework, and I'm 99% sure that's why I graduated high school with a 4.1 GPA. I just can't seem to keep myself organized in college, though, and I'm worried about that for the sake of my career. She also wouldn't let me get a job, even during the summer, the entire time I was in high school, first because she said I didn't need one, and second because my aunt was sick and she wanted to spend more time up there. OF COURSE I wanted to see my aunt. I loved her so much and wanted to see her as much as possible! AGH! I just wish she'd allowed to me to get a job so that I could've gotten some real-world experience, y'know?
As many things as I resent, I also love her for. For cryin' out loud, she sacrificed hers and my grandpa's retirement fund to raise me and send me to college...not to mention I would've turned out VERY differently if I'd have been raised by my birthparents (I shudder to even think about the alternative)...
I love her, and we do have a good time together these days.
So I will continue to love her and come home to see her as much as possible.
And do everything I can for her.
I'd just prefer to not have to live with her again...
...at least until I have a stable job and family of my own..........
......but a college gal that MUST live in a college town (I still hafta student teach around Radford)....can't move back.
oh well.
I've always tended to write too much in online journals about myself, but I try to keep my most inner feelings away, or in a private place somewhere (even if it is just a private entry online).
Being at home in FC has been good. Although I miss Jared terribly, along with my college friends, it's been very good for me to be at home with grandma for a little while. Truthfully, I think both of us needed it...now, that doesn't change the fact that I can never live with the woman full-time again. I love her to death, and I do enjoy being with her, but let's be honest - we still have the same horrible, terrible generation gap we've always had.
Many girls say their mothers have only gotten smarter as they've grown up. I never claimed to know everything, and I don't think my grandma is any smarter now than she was back then...she just can't tell me what to do anymore. I hate to say this, but about half the things she told me as a kid/teenager have STILL not turned out to be true (then again, half the things she told me have...but a 50% error rate isn't good when it comes to parenting).
With all the people I've observed in college, I've learned a parent can really only do so much. By limiting what I could do out of "moral standards" (or, as I really believe, fear that I would turn into my birthparents), I'm pretty sure she just kept me in childhood longer. I mean, really, I wasn't allowed to ride my bicycle around my block until I was 12, was not allowed to drive myself to Roanoke (30 minutes away) until I was 18, and she BARELY let me go to Warped Tour at age 20 (she changed her mind again when I asked her again at age 21, so I just said I was going to Radford for a few days and went without telling her).
I really feel a lot younger than 22, which is good, I guess...but a lot of my friends keep whining about their lost youth. This, again, is good for me, because I feel like I've just starting living - I can do whatever I want now and it's FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I can hang out with my friends for as long as I want without having to be home by dark (because according to grandma, nothing good happened after dark), I can color my hair any color I want (because there's no one telling me every 5 seconds how terrible my 3-tone hair looks), and...well, did I mention I can stay out as late as I want, or not even come home if I feel like it?
On the other hand, there are most definitely some things I should've listened to her about, that she was very very right on. Mostly this has been dating advice (every piece of advice she's ever given me has been true), but I really needed to experience the things she told me not to do, before I learned why I shouldn't do them. I've always been someone that needs more reason than just "you're not doing that, because you're just not going to." I forgive her, I guess...I'm just pretty sure she cut down majorly on the friends and social growth opportunities I had back in those days...I say social growth because I was pretty dumb my freshman year of college when it came to hanging out a lot...grandma always said that "spending too much time with people gets you into trouble." This is true in a lot of cases, but...every person is different. Spending too much time with my REAL friends only lets me have a really good time. Sure, we fight, but that's part of relationships - you gotta work at it. How are you supposed to learn to work at relationships if you're forced to come home before dark??
Please please don't get me wrong. My grandma is the most loving, selfless person I've ever known. She did the best she thought she knew how to do, she just didn't realize that we were SO different, her and I. She's sad a lot these days, but she has a very fucking good reason to be. It's been hard for me to be at home with all these memories of grandpa around...I can't even imagine what it must be like for her to be alone here, day after day, without the ability to drive. People have stopped coming to visit, so I can understand even better now why every time I call her, she sounds upset. This house is just like a big silent vaccuum...the country is just so deathly quiet. I try to play piano as much as possible, since she doesn't really like the radio, but I have to do things like sleep, eat, and do chores sometimes, y'know?
The bad thing about feeling like I'm not grown up yet is the fact that I still don't take on a lot of responsibilities that I should...
...like cleaning...
...doing homework on time...
...studying more.....
Grandma used to just be on my back constantly about my homework, and I'm 99% sure that's why I graduated high school with a 4.1 GPA. I just can't seem to keep myself organized in college, though, and I'm worried about that for the sake of my career. She also wouldn't let me get a job, even during the summer, the entire time I was in high school, first because she said I didn't need one, and second because my aunt was sick and she wanted to spend more time up there. OF COURSE I wanted to see my aunt. I loved her so much and wanted to see her as much as possible! AGH! I just wish she'd allowed to me to get a job so that I could've gotten some real-world experience, y'know?
As many things as I resent, I also love her for. For cryin' out loud, she sacrificed hers and my grandpa's retirement fund to raise me and send me to college...not to mention I would've turned out VERY differently if I'd have been raised by my birthparents (I shudder to even think about the alternative)...
I love her, and we do have a good time together these days.
So I will continue to love her and come home to see her as much as possible.
And do everything I can for her.
I'd just prefer to not have to live with her again...
...at least until I have a stable job and family of my own..........
......but a college gal that MUST live in a college town (I still hafta student teach around Radford)....can't move back.
oh well.