Damn your mood swings
Just a warning, this is not going to be happy entry... and probably long winded.
I'm not really sure where to start. I've got myself in a bit of a mess and I know how I got there... but I'm not really sure where to go from here. I guess this started a short while after I moved to Montreal. Daniel, my ex came online for the first time in ages. And the thing about Daniel is that, I dunno... things with him were so messy. I met Daniel at a really vulnerable time in my life. I was 'web-dating' Andrew while living in Raymond and still dealing with the after effects of being boarderline anorexic. I was going to the gym though and eating better and getting better, but Andrew was treating me like garbage and I was feeling really insecure. Daniel was really good for me at the time. He treated me really well and I loved being with him, 'cept he was young and immature and my friends hated him. And I wrestled back and forth between being totally enthralled by him and wishing he'd go away because he couldn't respect that I had boundaries: I was just dealing with coming out in a Mormon community. I ended up breaking things off with him and in a really roundabout bitchy sort of way, and I felt like shit about it. Which is why I thought that talking with him after that was so awkward and painful...
Anyway, he starts talking to me awhile back when I was living in Verdun, and he tells me things just fell apart between him and his boyfriend of about seven months: Shane. He was absolutely broken about it, he had no job, and he was moping around in an apartment in Calgary with no one to turn to. He was spending his time following Shane and his friends around when they were treating him like garbage. And guilt and the fact that I've never been able to turn my feelings away from anyone I've ever loved caused me to offer him a trip out to Montreal for awhile. All I could focus on was that I wanted him to suffer no more, I wanted to take him away from everything that was hurting him. I didn't care that he wasn't with me as I could do this for him and at least minimize my guilt for the way I had treated him before. But eventually I ended up confessing to him that I still loved him, and he said he had feelings for me but that he was still torn up over Shane which was fine. I went ahead and got him the bus ticket out to Montreal prepared to be whatever with him.
But since he's been here it's been non-stop confusion and hurt. I've spent alot of money and him and that doesn't bother me, it's the emotional drain that he's been on me. He'll cuddle with me and be super close and then become intensely aloof to make me feel like I'm clinging to hard to him. I feel like I'm being manipulated but I don't know if he even realizes that he's doing it. I don't mind putting down resources for him or any of my close friends, and I can his friend or his boyfriend... but I can't handle this feeling of being a toy. And I understand that he's screwed up himself, but there's a silence that's excruciating. I almost kissed him once to which he turned his head away and that was fine, I could handle that and I was. I was dealing with it and getting used to just being his friend when one night he suddenly decides to kiss me, and not just and this is the boy that took my virginity so it's not like I can just keep doing this on and off.
He left tonight on a plane back to Alberta but he's going back to a mess with no job and soon no place to live. This means that I'll probably be bringing him back so that he's not out on his own. Which I know is not going to be well-received but I simply can't let him down. And all this would be fine if he would just say something one way or the other. He left and it hurt, and even though he's been absolutely destructive to me I didn't want him to go. This is something I'll have to deal with, I guess...
This whole thing has brought me to where I feel so displaced. I had felt it before but now I've had my past thrown in my face and being shown all my own old weaknesses and I'm having to re-question everything. I ran away I think, and even though I love this place it's not just a haven or an escape... it's a city and I have to resolve these issues no matter where I am. I call home these days and I really feel homeless, Alberta feels cold and Quebec so aimless. And there's no where to go, no family and heh, no Lori Anne. I've thrown away alot in the last few months and if I don't start turning some of this energy inward I'm gonna burnout.
I guess that's all for now... it's gonna be alright but if he comes back I need to work this out so that I can keep myself intact and I need to come to terms with myself and what's really important to me in life. I miss you all and wish you the best. Let me know if you want a call.
-Joshua-