*sigh*
as this is memorial day weekend, i haven't been able to escape the memories of our country and this war we're in now. Our local paper, every memorial day, prints a big piece with all the pictures of everyone who has died serving the military since last memorial day. I was looking through it yesterday, seeing all those faces...imagining all the families that are without those loved ones, and have to face it even more this weekend.
With all that, and the fact that Ben will be deploying to Iraq in december, i can't escape my fears. fears that his face will be in the paper next memorial day. or the one after. i'm so scared. i've never been this scared of anything in my whole life. i can't even explain it. i know that he is a good soldier. he's good at his job. but he's going to be driving a humvee in iraq. how can i not worry that something bad will happen? and i have to live with that fear for 12 months. i have to live in a world where if he doesn't call me for a couple of days all i'll think is the worst. i'll be paralyzed with this fear. these fears. i'll be useless. and what if we have a baby? all i do is pray now. for his safety. for the safety of all the troops. and hope that they'll be able to come home soon. and be with their families. and not end up in next years paper.
i find myself telling him to be careful all the time. and he knows i'm talking about once he's deployed. he just hugs me and says he will. and i cry. this year we've been together for 10 years. i have no idea what i would do without him. and i don't want to even have to think about it. but unfortunatly we're in this position now. where he decided he wanted to fight for his country, so much that it made him join the airborne infantry. and i didn't realize, at first, how big of a deal it would be. until the actuality of his deployment hit me.
he will be leaving in december. he'll be going to iraq. and i won't see him for 6 months. then he'll come home for 2 weeks. then it's another 6 months. and all i can do is hope and pray that everything is okay for those 12 months. that's all i can do.
With all that, and the fact that Ben will be deploying to Iraq in december, i can't escape my fears. fears that his face will be in the paper next memorial day. or the one after. i'm so scared. i've never been this scared of anything in my whole life. i can't even explain it. i know that he is a good soldier. he's good at his job. but he's going to be driving a humvee in iraq. how can i not worry that something bad will happen? and i have to live with that fear for 12 months. i have to live in a world where if he doesn't call me for a couple of days all i'll think is the worst. i'll be paralyzed with this fear. these fears. i'll be useless. and what if we have a baby? all i do is pray now. for his safety. for the safety of all the troops. and hope that they'll be able to come home soon. and be with their families. and not end up in next years paper.
i find myself telling him to be careful all the time. and he knows i'm talking about once he's deployed. he just hugs me and says he will. and i cry. this year we've been together for 10 years. i have no idea what i would do without him. and i don't want to even have to think about it. but unfortunatly we're in this position now. where he decided he wanted to fight for his country, so much that it made him join the airborne infantry. and i didn't realize, at first, how big of a deal it would be. until the actuality of his deployment hit me.
he will be leaving in december. he'll be going to iraq. and i won't see him for 6 months. then he'll come home for 2 weeks. then it's another 6 months. and all i can do is hope and pray that everything is okay for those 12 months. that's all i can do.