(no subject)
the past couple of days, my son has been quite sick with a temperature well over one hundred degrees. i loved holding him knowing that he found strength and comfort in me. i am so glad that my love for him has grown. sadly i must admit that it had to grow. unlike with my daughter, who i loved when she was little more than a zygote. my wife said that she had never seen a more alive countenance on me as when the person running the utlra-sound told us she was ninety-nine percent sure that we were having a little girl. when i found out we were having a son the exact opposite feeling swept over me.
i have always pictured myself with children, but i've always imagined them as daughters. something in my upbringing or in my personality makes it hard for me to connect with guys. it's like i become something other than myself when i try and relate to them. it's always work and a stretch for me.
when i found out i was having a son, beyond disappointment, i think i felt scared, insecure. how should i act around this little man? even things such as how should i show affection to him, how should i play with him, came into my mind, things which i had never asked myself with my daughter.
i am so fortunate that God knew what he was doing, as He always does. he gave me exactly what i needed. i think having a son will teach me what i should have known long ago, which someone--my father, my brothers, every male role model in my life--never taught me. this weak area that has hampered my ministry may finally begin to heal. in time perhaps i will feel indifferent meeting with guys one on one, instead of the unstoppable dread i experience now. and perhaps farther down the road, i will embrace these times as i can now embrace my son.
even today i am spending significant time with a guy i've never met and have corresponded with briefly. would i have taken this opportunity if i had two daughters?
continue to use circumstances--every circumstance--to shape me into who you want me to be.
what i crave is rarely what i need.
i have always pictured myself with children, but i've always imagined them as daughters. something in my upbringing or in my personality makes it hard for me to connect with guys. it's like i become something other than myself when i try and relate to them. it's always work and a stretch for me.
when i found out i was having a son, beyond disappointment, i think i felt scared, insecure. how should i act around this little man? even things such as how should i show affection to him, how should i play with him, came into my mind, things which i had never asked myself with my daughter.
i am so fortunate that God knew what he was doing, as He always does. he gave me exactly what i needed. i think having a son will teach me what i should have known long ago, which someone--my father, my brothers, every male role model in my life--never taught me. this weak area that has hampered my ministry may finally begin to heal. in time perhaps i will feel indifferent meeting with guys one on one, instead of the unstoppable dread i experience now. and perhaps farther down the road, i will embrace these times as i can now embrace my son.
even today i am spending significant time with a guy i've never met and have corresponded with briefly. would i have taken this opportunity if i had two daughters?
continue to use circumstances--every circumstance--to shape me into who you want me to be.
what i crave is rarely what i need.