i've got you forever and forever and a day, i can feel it
i see it, the bubbles in my skin
oh love can make a woman or a man
This is my time to be self reflective.
I listen to the Beatles a lot lately. Their music brings everything back home. Simplicity is beautiful, and I need something to remind me that this life is beautiful. Damien Rice is also up there.
I go to see a new counselor every other week. She's no Sheryl or Jon, but I'm talking to someone, at least, and it helps. For instance, she helped me came to the realization that I'm not as weak as I thought I was a few years ago. For example, the big reason I could never bring myself to end things with Bob, even though we were struggling so much, was because I always had something to fall back on. I had that support system that would be non-existent if it weren't for us being a couple. I thought that I would literally have nothing without them. So I never left... out of fear.
And look what happened.
I took a step, albeit the wrong step. But it got me out of a situation that I couldn't (or wouldn't) do myself. Not intentionally, anyway.
It wasn't healthy. Not for either of us. It wasn't legally binding, nor was there a ceremony or a long white dress or a cake, but I was playing the part of a wife. I was a 20 year old wife. But we were only playing house. We had no real responsibilities (strike that, we had no JOINT responsibilities... but we won't get into that) as there is in a marriage. And nothing was changing. And clearly, some part of me was happy with that. But there was this voice in my head screaming, "Get out!" And I did.
And Karen said I'm stronger than ever. Am I? Really? I mean, I know that I can do it--you know, be independent. I'm doing it now (don't know how... it's just happening). Without any support from Dad or anyone. The car is fixed and in Naperville (thanks to Scott), and it's insured. I have an appointment lined up with career development for post graduation (in 131 days... WUUUUHT?!) employment opportunities. I want a hair cut and new glasses--more like need new glasses, since mine are fucking 4 years old--but these things will come in time. Everything on this end is great. Mostly. It's the relationships that are suffering.
I really miss Dad. And I don't know what he's doing, and his birthday was this weekend, and the last time I saw him was the day I left for Ireland. I was going through some photos last week and found the one of us at the Planet.
He looks so happy here. I knew at this time there were problems, but he looked very strong here. And sane.
I know things are not great on his end. Martin said he sounds miserable... and trapped. Sounds familiar.
I wish there was something I could do to help. But I don't know what I could possibly do. There isn't anything I can do. He tells me to focus on school. That would be the way to help him. He says to learn from his mistakes. I guess I have?
Karen also brought up that since we have... something in common, I can learn to let go of some anger and resentment towards him. It's not that I necessarily understand the circumstances, but I know how he felt. This is not to say that either of us is excused from doing what we did. But I have a bit of empathy for him now. And I can quit bringing up old news and how our lives would be different if he hadn't done what he did. Because the truth is, we'd all probably be much more miserable. The girls and I would probably be much more fucked up than we are now. True, there are other ways to deal with relationships that aren't working, but he did what he needed to do. And so did I.
Old news. Moving on.
School is insane.
It's week 5, right? How the hell did that happen? There are six weeks left of this term somehow. Time is just flying--mostly cause I'm working or in class from 9:30 am til 10 pm. I literally only go to my room to sleep.
Precepting is grand! I love working with Sally. Our class is kind of quiet, but it's still a neat experience. This leadership position isn't the ego trip like I had feared. It's just something different. Self defense is so badass. Since I was young, I've wanted to learn a martial art, and Mom and Dad never signed me up for anything... but gymnastics and ballet. And at 21, I still can't do a cartwheel. I'm working on it... We were boxing in class Tuesday, and we have a skills test tomorrow on escaping wrist grabs and bear hugs. According to "Big Partner" (I have Big Partner and Little Partner. Big Partner is a football player who's probably a foot taller than me, and Little Partner is a few inches shorter than me and... well, little) I'm a master. Yeah okay. It takes me like five seconds to think about what I'm doing with each maneuver. Hopefully if I need to use any of what I've learned, reflexes will kick in and I'll know what I'm doing. Computer science and finance are actually challenging. I approve! It's just crazy that winter term is just over two-fifths over.
And soon it will be leaving UL all over again, except it will be at NCC.
When will I ever see Ashley and Lo again? Or Ali, Sal, Alyssa, and Taylar? Or Tom and Allie and Bethany and Sandy and Dave? Or Kim, Amy, and Kelli? I mean, I'm going to see David over spring break, but
Depressing thoughts. Not going there now...
In other news, the nanosecond I change the title on the Civic in March, and Dad doesn't pay the cell phone bill anymore...
...it's all me. Shit.
Holy shit. That's a hell of a lot more than can be said for most 20-somethings. I know some girls who are married and have kids (yes, multiple...) and an apartment at 21. But that's a double income thing. There's me and Scott who have been/ technically are homeless. It's kind of surreal... like, we were discussing it at Quigley's Saturday after he brought the Civic up to Naperville. We were replaying elements of high school... how he always thought I'd go into something art related and how I was always quiet (riiiiight haha) and stuck to my friends. But like, back then, we all thought we had everything figured out. And suddenly, you realize how little you actually know.
Is that called growing up?
I'm really sorry. I'm just not ready to leave college just yet. Was it a mistake to push myself to graduate a full year early? Are we just mentally wired to be prepared leave at age 22 or 23? Most of my friends who were scheduled to graduate in 2010 anyway are staying at NCC until '11. Should I do the same? Should I fill out the FAFSA just in case?
And Shuffle always knows the perfect song to play when I write. All I can feel right now is the mist on my face as I walked home to Kilmurry Village on November 10th.
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
Signing off for the night. I'm thinking a little "Your Morning Dream" is appropriate.
oh love can make a woman or a man
This is my time to be self reflective.
I listen to the Beatles a lot lately. Their music brings everything back home. Simplicity is beautiful, and I need something to remind me that this life is beautiful. Damien Rice is also up there.
I go to see a new counselor every other week. She's no Sheryl or Jon, but I'm talking to someone, at least, and it helps. For instance, she helped me came to the realization that I'm not as weak as I thought I was a few years ago. For example, the big reason I could never bring myself to end things with Bob, even though we were struggling so much, was because I always had something to fall back on. I had that support system that would be non-existent if it weren't for us being a couple. I thought that I would literally have nothing without them. So I never left... out of fear.
And look what happened.
I took a step, albeit the wrong step. But it got me out of a situation that I couldn't (or wouldn't) do myself. Not intentionally, anyway.
It wasn't healthy. Not for either of us. It wasn't legally binding, nor was there a ceremony or a long white dress or a cake, but I was playing the part of a wife. I was a 20 year old wife. But we were only playing house. We had no real responsibilities (strike that, we had no JOINT responsibilities... but we won't get into that) as there is in a marriage. And nothing was changing. And clearly, some part of me was happy with that. But there was this voice in my head screaming, "Get out!" And I did.
And Karen said I'm stronger than ever. Am I? Really? I mean, I know that I can do it--you know, be independent. I'm doing it now (don't know how... it's just happening). Without any support from Dad or anyone. The car is fixed and in Naperville (thanks to Scott), and it's insured. I have an appointment lined up with career development for post graduation (in 131 days... WUUUUHT?!) employment opportunities. I want a hair cut and new glasses--more like need new glasses, since mine are fucking 4 years old--but these things will come in time. Everything on this end is great. Mostly. It's the relationships that are suffering.
I really miss Dad. And I don't know what he's doing, and his birthday was this weekend, and the last time I saw him was the day I left for Ireland. I was going through some photos last week and found the one of us at the Planet.
He looks so happy here. I knew at this time there were problems, but he looked very strong here. And sane.
I know things are not great on his end. Martin said he sounds miserable... and trapped. Sounds familiar.
I wish there was something I could do to help. But I don't know what I could possibly do. There isn't anything I can do. He tells me to focus on school. That would be the way to help him. He says to learn from his mistakes. I guess I have?
Karen also brought up that since we have... something in common, I can learn to let go of some anger and resentment towards him. It's not that I necessarily understand the circumstances, but I know how he felt. This is not to say that either of us is excused from doing what we did. But I have a bit of empathy for him now. And I can quit bringing up old news and how our lives would be different if he hadn't done what he did. Because the truth is, we'd all probably be much more miserable. The girls and I would probably be much more fucked up than we are now. True, there are other ways to deal with relationships that aren't working, but he did what he needed to do. And so did I.
Old news. Moving on.
School is insane.
It's week 5, right? How the hell did that happen? There are six weeks left of this term somehow. Time is just flying--mostly cause I'm working or in class from 9:30 am til 10 pm. I literally only go to my room to sleep.
Precepting is grand! I love working with Sally. Our class is kind of quiet, but it's still a neat experience. This leadership position isn't the ego trip like I had feared. It's just something different. Self defense is so badass. Since I was young, I've wanted to learn a martial art, and Mom and Dad never signed me up for anything... but gymnastics and ballet. And at 21, I still can't do a cartwheel. I'm working on it... We were boxing in class Tuesday, and we have a skills test tomorrow on escaping wrist grabs and bear hugs. According to "Big Partner" (I have Big Partner and Little Partner. Big Partner is a football player who's probably a foot taller than me, and Little Partner is a few inches shorter than me and... well, little) I'm a master. Yeah okay. It takes me like five seconds to think about what I'm doing with each maneuver. Hopefully if I need to use any of what I've learned, reflexes will kick in and I'll know what I'm doing. Computer science and finance are actually challenging. I approve! It's just crazy that winter term is just over two-fifths over.
And soon it will be leaving UL all over again, except it will be at NCC.
When will I ever see Ashley and Lo again? Or Ali, Sal, Alyssa, and Taylar? Or Tom and Allie and Bethany and Sandy and Dave? Or Kim, Amy, and Kelli? I mean, I'm going to see David over spring break, but
Depressing thoughts. Not going there now...
In other news, the nanosecond I change the title on the Civic in March, and Dad doesn't pay the cell phone bill anymore...
...it's all me. Shit.
Holy shit. That's a hell of a lot more than can be said for most 20-somethings. I know some girls who are married and have kids (yes, multiple...) and an apartment at 21. But that's a double income thing. There's me and Scott who have been/ technically are homeless. It's kind of surreal... like, we were discussing it at Quigley's Saturday after he brought the Civic up to Naperville. We were replaying elements of high school... how he always thought I'd go into something art related and how I was always quiet (riiiiight haha) and stuck to my friends. But like, back then, we all thought we had everything figured out. And suddenly, you realize how little you actually know.
Is that called growing up?
I'm really sorry. I'm just not ready to leave college just yet. Was it a mistake to push myself to graduate a full year early? Are we just mentally wired to be prepared leave at age 22 or 23? Most of my friends who were scheduled to graduate in 2010 anyway are staying at NCC until '11. Should I do the same? Should I fill out the FAFSA just in case?
And Shuffle always knows the perfect song to play when I write. All I can feel right now is the mist on my face as I walked home to Kilmurry Village on November 10th.
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
Signing off for the night. I'm thinking a little "Your Morning Dream" is appropriate.