NCC Life Part II
Previously private, but now I've grown a decent-sized sack to post it as public... with some extra crap on the side:
Lately, it feels like the rest of the world is in the fast lane, quite literally if you consider today. Chilly, rainy weather, in no genuine hurry, but I was walking briskly. Without fail, there goes the girl from work. There goes a kid with an umbrella. There goes some other girl. Am I that out of it? Or am I just some displaced person trying to figure shit out, and not bothering to focus and fulfill my responsibilities? Eh, probably the latter.
I'm doing... well. Average. Slightly above average.
Not well, for me at least.
I can't blame community college, because well, it's not their fault. Community college didn't say, "Do sub par work now!" Community college, however, didn't prepare me as adequately as I would have hoped, but high school wouldn't have either... not my high school. That would have had to have been my job anyway.
The one thing I can't seem to answer is, "How?" How do they have the time, patience, or freaking ability to do X, Y, and Z simultaneously (or so it seems)? I can't even do X well. I'm half asleep the whole time.
Socializing is back down to next to nothing. Literally, I have Ashley, and that's as far as it goes. I've known I'm not the easiest person to live with, but I never thought it would be this lonely. Given, living alone would be worse, but at this point in time, it feels that way.
I think I'm just severely disappointed. It would have been like this in any given case, but I put so much faith and hope into this, and I was so fucking excited. I wished my whole year away. I planned and took notes and planned some more. I sped up Moraine just so that I could be here... and I could have still been there. What's a year anyway?
When I walk to Old Main, or anywhere on campus for that matter, I feel like I did a year ago. "I'm here. I'm doing this. I did this on my own." But when I step inside, I realize nothing has changed, except that I have nothing familiar to ground me. I have no anchor. I'm floating, and it scares the shit out of me.
Freedom excites most people. It would excite me, too, except that I have no one to share it with. Time slips through my fingers, but with so much anxiety, it's almost not worth it. When is it Friday? Is it Friday yet? How many weeks left?
I think about things economically all the time (but I can't manage to remember most concepts to pass tests... how convenient), so I wonder why certain things have such high demands and shortages still exist.... and why did I go out of my way for years... to get to this place I just shouldn't have been accepted to in the first place. But I was just so... ready. Or so I thought.
--
Edit:
Eh. Not much has changed since I posted that, in all honesty. I've been on a little week-long roller coaster since then. Lots of ups: the "Yes! I can do this, finally!" And about the same amount of downs: the "Fuck, I'm fucking lostlonelyfuckedupnotreadyforthis again. Fuck." And in one day, I had about six of those cycles, which is really doing a number on me.
My bright and early 8 am math class held a pleasant surprise for me. I'm grasping calculus concepts better than I'd expected! But as I looked through the exam, I realized I was given far too much partial credit. More than I deserved. That just brought be back down to earth. And we moved on...
Work... another story. It was my first First Year Visit Day, and it would be the first time I'd be set out on a tour on my own. I had a group with several girls and one boy and their families... probably about 7 students with one parent per student. That's a pretty hefty group compared to the one-on-one stuff I've been used to, not to mention I'm doing this all on my own. And as people I've worked with in the past can agree with, I do not multitask very well. Like, I can't do it at all. It's a troubling problem, and no matter what I do, I can't get around it. And bringing 14+ people around campus, trying to bring each of them to the buildings they most want to see, attempting to give them all equal attention, when, of course, the people up front are going to get more than the ones in the back... it's a challenge.
I can handle a challenge. I'm not suggesting that I can't. What I knew was going to be a failure for me from the very start was that not all of the students were going to see what they wanted to and not everyone was going to get the attention they fully deserved. Some of these families drove for hours to get here on their day off (it was Columbus Day; most normal schools/jobs give time off--not the past two institutions I've been studying at!). They took time out of their day to get a look at the College--my College! I'd be pretty upset if I didn't get enough attention, too.
Needless to say, I failed miserably. I was able to show a lot of things that some wanted to see, but others really didn't seem interested in a few of the buildings we actually went inside (i.e. the Merner Field House, Wenz Concert Hall, etc). I had a relatively quiet group, save for two of the mothers that asked most of the questions. So there were points where I just got nothing back when I asked a question, and that's the difficult part of giving a tour that covers six blocks one way and three more to bring them back home. And then there was one mother, who stayed near the back of the group, who didn't seem impressed with the campus or with me at all. That makes the job INCREDIBLY difficult. At one point, I directed the people at the front of the group to the next building, and stayed behind to converse with that particular parent and her daughter. She didn't really seem to want to give me any feedback, as if I'd offended her in some way along the route. And I felt really badly about it.
I may be jumping to conclusions that I didn't assist her needs enough throughout the tour, but when I have six or seven other students that are pulling me in six or seven different directions, it's not the best situation. I'm not blaming Admissions for the way they set up the tours. It probably is the most efficient way to do it: Just get everybody out there at once, and hope everything goes well. And I'm sure most of the tour guides do a phenomenal job in big groups like that. I'm just better at working with people one-on-one.
So that's that problem--I'm not excelling at my job. Everybody knows how much I hate that.
One more issue for the evening, I promise. As I was saying my good-byes last night before I went back to school, of course I had my little baby moment when I hugged Pat. Every goddamn time! I'm fine saying bye to Bob's dad and Laura (and I only get a little choked up with Captain), but when I get to Pat, I lose it! And then! After having to comfort me in front of her 6 grandchildren who don't understand why Liz is freaking out about going back to school, she asks if commuting would really be so bad. Goddamnit! I've been idly thinking about that for the past month, and of course, she has to make me think more seriously about it.
I mean, really, would it be so bad? How expensive would it be? I wouldn't be so fucking depressed most of the time, because I'd be home, and everything I need would be right there. So... I have a lot of thinking to do.
But right now I need to read and to finish a balance sheet and income statement for finance. So I can't think about it now. Maybe later.
Lately, it feels like the rest of the world is in the fast lane, quite literally if you consider today. Chilly, rainy weather, in no genuine hurry, but I was walking briskly. Without fail, there goes the girl from work. There goes a kid with an umbrella. There goes some other girl. Am I that out of it? Or am I just some displaced person trying to figure shit out, and not bothering to focus and fulfill my responsibilities? Eh, probably the latter.
I'm doing... well. Average. Slightly above average.
Not well, for me at least.
I can't blame community college, because well, it's not their fault. Community college didn't say, "Do sub par work now!" Community college, however, didn't prepare me as adequately as I would have hoped, but high school wouldn't have either... not my high school. That would have had to have been my job anyway.
The one thing I can't seem to answer is, "How?" How do they have the time, patience, or freaking ability to do X, Y, and Z simultaneously (or so it seems)? I can't even do X well. I'm half asleep the whole time.
Socializing is back down to next to nothing. Literally, I have Ashley, and that's as far as it goes. I've known I'm not the easiest person to live with, but I never thought it would be this lonely. Given, living alone would be worse, but at this point in time, it feels that way.
I think I'm just severely disappointed. It would have been like this in any given case, but I put so much faith and hope into this, and I was so fucking excited. I wished my whole year away. I planned and took notes and planned some more. I sped up Moraine just so that I could be here... and I could have still been there. What's a year anyway?
When I walk to Old Main, or anywhere on campus for that matter, I feel like I did a year ago. "I'm here. I'm doing this. I did this on my own." But when I step inside, I realize nothing has changed, except that I have nothing familiar to ground me. I have no anchor. I'm floating, and it scares the shit out of me.
Freedom excites most people. It would excite me, too, except that I have no one to share it with. Time slips through my fingers, but with so much anxiety, it's almost not worth it. When is it Friday? Is it Friday yet? How many weeks left?
I think about things economically all the time (but I can't manage to remember most concepts to pass tests... how convenient), so I wonder why certain things have such high demands and shortages still exist.... and why did I go out of my way for years... to get to this place I just shouldn't have been accepted to in the first place. But I was just so... ready. Or so I thought.
--
Edit:
Eh. Not much has changed since I posted that, in all honesty. I've been on a little week-long roller coaster since then. Lots of ups: the "Yes! I can do this, finally!" And about the same amount of downs: the "Fuck, I'm fucking lostlonelyfuckedupnotreadyforthis again. Fuck." And in one day, I had about six of those cycles, which is really doing a number on me.
My bright and early 8 am math class held a pleasant surprise for me. I'm grasping calculus concepts better than I'd expected! But as I looked through the exam, I realized I was given far too much partial credit. More than I deserved. That just brought be back down to earth. And we moved on...
Work... another story. It was my first First Year Visit Day, and it would be the first time I'd be set out on a tour on my own. I had a group with several girls and one boy and their families... probably about 7 students with one parent per student. That's a pretty hefty group compared to the one-on-one stuff I've been used to, not to mention I'm doing this all on my own. And as people I've worked with in the past can agree with, I do not multitask very well. Like, I can't do it at all. It's a troubling problem, and no matter what I do, I can't get around it. And bringing 14+ people around campus, trying to bring each of them to the buildings they most want to see, attempting to give them all equal attention, when, of course, the people up front are going to get more than the ones in the back... it's a challenge.
I can handle a challenge. I'm not suggesting that I can't. What I knew was going to be a failure for me from the very start was that not all of the students were going to see what they wanted to and not everyone was going to get the attention they fully deserved. Some of these families drove for hours to get here on their day off (it was Columbus Day; most normal schools/jobs give time off--not the past two institutions I've been studying at!). They took time out of their day to get a look at the College--my College! I'd be pretty upset if I didn't get enough attention, too.
Needless to say, I failed miserably. I was able to show a lot of things that some wanted to see, but others really didn't seem interested in a few of the buildings we actually went inside (i.e. the Merner Field House, Wenz Concert Hall, etc). I had a relatively quiet group, save for two of the mothers that asked most of the questions. So there were points where I just got nothing back when I asked a question, and that's the difficult part of giving a tour that covers six blocks one way and three more to bring them back home. And then there was one mother, who stayed near the back of the group, who didn't seem impressed with the campus or with me at all. That makes the job INCREDIBLY difficult. At one point, I directed the people at the front of the group to the next building, and stayed behind to converse with that particular parent and her daughter. She didn't really seem to want to give me any feedback, as if I'd offended her in some way along the route. And I felt really badly about it.
I may be jumping to conclusions that I didn't assist her needs enough throughout the tour, but when I have six or seven other students that are pulling me in six or seven different directions, it's not the best situation. I'm not blaming Admissions for the way they set up the tours. It probably is the most efficient way to do it: Just get everybody out there at once, and hope everything goes well. And I'm sure most of the tour guides do a phenomenal job in big groups like that. I'm just better at working with people one-on-one.
So that's that problem--I'm not excelling at my job. Everybody knows how much I hate that.
One more issue for the evening, I promise. As I was saying my good-byes last night before I went back to school, of course I had my little baby moment when I hugged Pat. Every goddamn time! I'm fine saying bye to Bob's dad and Laura (and I only get a little choked up with Captain), but when I get to Pat, I lose it! And then! After having to comfort me in front of her 6 grandchildren who don't understand why Liz is freaking out about going back to school, she asks if commuting would really be so bad. Goddamnit! I've been idly thinking about that for the past month, and of course, she has to make me think more seriously about it.
I mean, really, would it be so bad? How expensive would it be? I wouldn't be so fucking depressed most of the time, because I'd be home, and everything I need would be right there. So... I have a lot of thinking to do.
But right now I need to read and to finish a balance sheet and income statement for finance. So I can't think about it now. Maybe later.