To Just Let Go
This has been a week of many trials of both my patience and endurance. It is the time of year where the perpetual dark cloud lingers over my head and no amount of effort can shake its presence. No medicine aids my inner turmoil, no endless hours of sleep help to escape the tired wheels of my mind.
After being diagnosed as "seasonal manic depressive" in the 10th grade, I have dreaded this time of the year, when the leaves start to fall and the days narrow in time. To some extent, I have learned to expect the mood swings and the pessimistic outlook. Yet no amount of preparation when the flood of emotions wipe away the smiles and the laughter.
There were so many times this week where I simply wanted to break down and cry, stay in my bed all day with the blinds closed and the sheets pulled of my head, and my face buried in my pillow. But I know I can't. I must face the light of day..take that step in the right direction. Every day is a battle. The fight within my deepest cords to continue and mask my unhappiness with a casual smile. My only solace is the hope that tomorrow will be a better day, and the next after that.
To all my friends:
Here are some poems I have been working on for a couple of months...they are as fair of a description I can give of my current state of mind.
(Untitled)
The deepest shadows of my mind is where the demons dwell.
They smell the fear that breeds inside of me.
Showing weakness is a curse I can’t bare to live with.
Strong face and sharp eyes...the perfect solution.
But I am flooded by my own tears and drowning fast.
You can’t see the river raging...no one can.
It swells on the inside so you can see my dam break.
I wash up on the banks of society...cold, wet, frightened.
The demons close in on their isolated prey.
Swooping and racing closer, they tear me to shreds,
leaving only a corpse of shattered dreams.
Slowly and cautiously I raise my hands to my head.
The tide lowers and the pain returns,
dead but yet still alive.
With a few swift motions, cold metal slices deep.
My skin opens and blood rises to the surface.
Crimson shades of joy lift my spirits.
The aching of my wounded arm camouflages the sorrow inside.
(Also Untitled)
I woke up this morning not knowing whether I wanted to live or die.
Breathing is much harder with you not here next to me and
faith seems miles away from reality.
I cannot assign a certain time when I began to feel consumed by helplessness.
No cure to be taken...nor wanted.
Let me lie here in my self-created misery,
worried about tomorrow and filled with regret from yesterday.
What do I want from life, do I even know what happiness is?
It is those people who carry smiles like feathers on their backs that morph me green with envy.
A simple smile breaks my heart but I have no emotion left to cry.
"HUSH"
Hush now my mind
don’t think about the pain
don’t question who to blame
forget it all
you’ve said it all
it’s time to move on
Hush now my heart
try to recover the pieces
lovers in passion releases
when the day’s at end
find new ways to mend
it’s time to move on
Hush now my soul
ignore the agony inside
let go of the tears cried
allow them to fade
why be afraid?
it’s time to move on
I share this with you all not as an excuse or plea for sypmathetic gestures. I guess my mission or motive behind this journal entry is simply to let out some of the chaos that is going on inside me. If at any time I was short with you, mean to you for no given reason...I hope you will accept my apology.
After being diagnosed as "seasonal manic depressive" in the 10th grade, I have dreaded this time of the year, when the leaves start to fall and the days narrow in time. To some extent, I have learned to expect the mood swings and the pessimistic outlook. Yet no amount of preparation when the flood of emotions wipe away the smiles and the laughter.
There were so many times this week where I simply wanted to break down and cry, stay in my bed all day with the blinds closed and the sheets pulled of my head, and my face buried in my pillow. But I know I can't. I must face the light of day..take that step in the right direction. Every day is a battle. The fight within my deepest cords to continue and mask my unhappiness with a casual smile. My only solace is the hope that tomorrow will be a better day, and the next after that.
To all my friends:
Here are some poems I have been working on for a couple of months...they are as fair of a description I can give of my current state of mind.
(Untitled)
The deepest shadows of my mind is where the demons dwell.
They smell the fear that breeds inside of me.
Showing weakness is a curse I can’t bare to live with.
Strong face and sharp eyes...the perfect solution.
But I am flooded by my own tears and drowning fast.
You can’t see the river raging...no one can.
It swells on the inside so you can see my dam break.
I wash up on the banks of society...cold, wet, frightened.
The demons close in on their isolated prey.
Swooping and racing closer, they tear me to shreds,
leaving only a corpse of shattered dreams.
Slowly and cautiously I raise my hands to my head.
The tide lowers and the pain returns,
dead but yet still alive.
With a few swift motions, cold metal slices deep.
My skin opens and blood rises to the surface.
Crimson shades of joy lift my spirits.
The aching of my wounded arm camouflages the sorrow inside.
(Also Untitled)
I woke up this morning not knowing whether I wanted to live or die.
Breathing is much harder with you not here next to me and
faith seems miles away from reality.
I cannot assign a certain time when I began to feel consumed by helplessness.
No cure to be taken...nor wanted.
Let me lie here in my self-created misery,
worried about tomorrow and filled with regret from yesterday.
What do I want from life, do I even know what happiness is?
It is those people who carry smiles like feathers on their backs that morph me green with envy.
A simple smile breaks my heart but I have no emotion left to cry.
"HUSH"
Hush now my mind
don’t think about the pain
don’t question who to blame
forget it all
you’ve said it all
it’s time to move on
Hush now my heart
try to recover the pieces
lovers in passion releases
when the day’s at end
find new ways to mend
it’s time to move on
Hush now my soul
ignore the agony inside
let go of the tears cried
allow them to fade
why be afraid?
it’s time to move on
I share this with you all not as an excuse or plea for sypmathetic gestures. I guess my mission or motive behind this journal entry is simply to let out some of the chaos that is going on inside me. If at any time I was short with you, mean to you for no given reason...I hope you will accept my apology.