(no subject)
I don't believe there is any preferred good way to start this entry. In recent days I know I have hurt some people, made some people very angry with me, and potentially destroyed some relationships. Yet I still hold strong to the belief that honesty, even if hard to swallow, is the best policy. Taking responsibility for your actions is also something that, at times, can be very hard to do but necessary. Things happen in life for a reason and some things occur to teach us more about ourselves and those around us. Slowly, I am realizing that a situation that a week ago seemed disastrous may have been a turning point internally that was inevitable. I regret the fact that my actions had a direct correlation with the pain of others, but like every other human, I cannot change the past and I am learning that perhaps that is a good thing. Living life in regret or with the ability to erase all blemishes would never allow us to enjoy the good for we would have never experienced the bad. Yet a part of me feels guilty for certain new insights and perhaps for the fact that even if I could, I don't think I would change what happened. Like everyone else, I am a human being, one with imperfections and flaws, some that I may not be so proud to admit. But I am do back down from the fact that I have feelings like everyone esle and cannot alter nor ignore them. Unfortunately this has landed me in my current situation when feelings have been hurt, trust has been destroyed and the future of some relationships remains uncertain. I never meant to hurt anyone. My actions were not intended to be malicious nor were they premeditated and maybe someday my actions will be forgiven. Sometimes, though, words can possess more venom than actions. Perhaps it is because certain words exist in the back on not only the person who speaks them but also the person who receives them. Deep down inside me lie insecurities that I have buried heavily in an attempt to erase. The other night, those insecurities were brought to my attention in quite an abrupt manner. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who, although the notion has decreased drastically over the past years, deep down wants others to like me. I like making friends. I like finding people with common interests and I enjoy budding friendships as well as well-oiled ones. To think that perhaps those people whom I believed to have made meaningful connections were not to be considered my friends but only acquaintances through other people cut my sense of security in my surrounding like a thin-bladed knife. Although a part of refuses to believe such a notion, a part of me wallows in it. I have often thought of myself as a person who at a ripe old age would find herself alone and unusually content. Yet the past year or two has shown me how much I enjoy human contact and the company of genuinely good people, leading my ideas of a happy solitude to be drowned with the anguish of loneliness. I think such comments that inspired my reevalution of my surroundings were made in haste and anger and perhaps not completely true nor as malicious has they sounded. Yet as life seems to continuously show me, you can only truly rely on yourself for your own happiness. Although I know that some of the people around me are unhappy at the moment, I cannot help but baske in the glow of new friendships. At that, I say goodnight and peace be with your all.