Dependence
I stepped on the scale the other day out of curiousity. My obsession with the numbers has been waning lately but I still step on that scale once a week. I've lost five pounds in one week. Looking at those little digital numbers provided me with a sense of happiness which is dangerous. I can feel myself slipping back into my old mindset, which I suppose should have been expected with summer coming up. I'm surprised that I didn't realize the effect skirts, dresses and bikinis would have on my mind and my self esteem. My confidence has grown considerable in the last year. It's only recently that I've felt some old feelings coming back up.
I'm sick at the moment. I've got the flu and I would like to think that I can attribute its development strictly to school stress but I know my eating habits have been a huge part. I've got a bowl of yogurt and granola staring at me as I type this and all I feel is revolt. I don't want to eat it. And I don't know if that's because of the flu or just old, comfortable feelings coming back to the surface.
There is one good influence in my life at the moment though. A boy I met has turned into something really great for me. He's a non drinker, non smoker and holds strong morals. He respects his parents, despite coming from a similarily dysfunctional family as mine. His non drinking means that I have spent several more nights in then out on the town. I wouldn't say that I have stopped drinking completely but I'm not binge drinking away my weekends. I'm not waking up unsure of where I am or what happened. I haven't told him that I smoke, although I'm sure he knows. It's a fragrant habit to have. I have cut down though, smoking mainly on the nights that I don't see him or when I'm at work. It's a step in the right direction.
The one problem? He's a chef. Ironic isn't it? Up to this point I've yet to have a homemade dinner with him. It makes me incredibly nervous. I'm worried that he's not going to want to take on any of my problems. I'm not expecting him to but I know from experience that when you're close with someone who is battling issues of ANY sort, their neurosis and feelings seep into your life. I don't want that to happen. We aren't "dating" yet and it's too soon to know exactly what's going to happen with us. I can't cling to him for support and I shouldn't. But when you have a shining example of what you want to be, it's hard to imagine being without it. Without that example I worry that I'll completely lose what I've gained over the last year.
I know I should be stronger then this. I know I AM stronger then this. I'm small but mighty. I fight for what I want. Unfortunately sometimes the vision of what I want is distorted by a screwed up mindset.
I'm sick at the moment. I've got the flu and I would like to think that I can attribute its development strictly to school stress but I know my eating habits have been a huge part. I've got a bowl of yogurt and granola staring at me as I type this and all I feel is revolt. I don't want to eat it. And I don't know if that's because of the flu or just old, comfortable feelings coming back to the surface.
There is one good influence in my life at the moment though. A boy I met has turned into something really great for me. He's a non drinker, non smoker and holds strong morals. He respects his parents, despite coming from a similarily dysfunctional family as mine. His non drinking means that I have spent several more nights in then out on the town. I wouldn't say that I have stopped drinking completely but I'm not binge drinking away my weekends. I'm not waking up unsure of where I am or what happened. I haven't told him that I smoke, although I'm sure he knows. It's a fragrant habit to have. I have cut down though, smoking mainly on the nights that I don't see him or when I'm at work. It's a step in the right direction.
The one problem? He's a chef. Ironic isn't it? Up to this point I've yet to have a homemade dinner with him. It makes me incredibly nervous. I'm worried that he's not going to want to take on any of my problems. I'm not expecting him to but I know from experience that when you're close with someone who is battling issues of ANY sort, their neurosis and feelings seep into your life. I don't want that to happen. We aren't "dating" yet and it's too soon to know exactly what's going to happen with us. I can't cling to him for support and I shouldn't. But when you have a shining example of what you want to be, it's hard to imagine being without it. Without that example I worry that I'll completely lose what I've gained over the last year.
I know I should be stronger then this. I know I AM stronger then this. I'm small but mighty. I fight for what I want. Unfortunately sometimes the vision of what I want is distorted by a screwed up mindset.