again with this shit....
I feel like I need to get something off my chest, but then again, I really dont know what it is! I am just having one of those awful feeling days. I know what is the source of it, but I dont know how to get it off my chest.
It started fine, the fun, the caring,..... the falling, again. And then I find out these other little details. Like her love for him....and her fake niceness to me. I know its fake because her mouth smiles but her eyes spit fire. And now I feel guilty for being in a great relationship. I dont think I am supposed to feel guilty. I am falling for him really hard, almost to rock bottom....but she loves him, and I am standing in the way of that happening for her. Part of me just wants to look at her and say, get over it, he doesn't want you...so let it go! but then the other part of me thinks to how I felt (and in ways, still feel) about KC. And how much it would hurt for someone to say to me that I just need to get over it, and realize that I am not what he wants, and she is. That would hurt, so I cant do that to her....but never the less, part of me still wants to.
Right now, there is just too many over whelming things on my mind right now. The doctor said that he is starting me on the kemo "coctails" soon, just as a precausion untill christmas break when they can do the complete biopsy. They know its cancer, they just dont know if it can be taken out, or if I need to do kemo. And that's another thing, I dont want to have him keep worrying about me, but I dont want to let him go. I REFUSE to let him go, I care....wait....scratch that......love him way too much for that. I feel sick to my stomach, I think I'll take a nap.
I still cant find my hole....I think I miss placed it somewhere...if you find it, let me know.
It started fine, the fun, the caring,..... the falling, again. And then I find out these other little details. Like her love for him....and her fake niceness to me. I know its fake because her mouth smiles but her eyes spit fire. And now I feel guilty for being in a great relationship. I dont think I am supposed to feel guilty. I am falling for him really hard, almost to rock bottom....but she loves him, and I am standing in the way of that happening for her. Part of me just wants to look at her and say, get over it, he doesn't want you...so let it go! but then the other part of me thinks to how I felt (and in ways, still feel) about KC. And how much it would hurt for someone to say to me that I just need to get over it, and realize that I am not what he wants, and she is. That would hurt, so I cant do that to her....but never the less, part of me still wants to.
Right now, there is just too many over whelming things on my mind right now. The doctor said that he is starting me on the kemo "coctails" soon, just as a precausion untill christmas break when they can do the complete biopsy. They know its cancer, they just dont know if it can be taken out, or if I need to do kemo. And that's another thing, I dont want to have him keep worrying about me, but I dont want to let him go. I REFUSE to let him go, I care....wait....scratch that......love him way too much for that. I feel sick to my stomach, I think I'll take a nap.
I still cant find my hole....I think I miss placed it somewhere...if you find it, let me know.