oh...my...god...:(...
ugh i just typed like half of my day out when all of a sudden my computer goes all gay on me.
anyway the morning was a blur.
i think i ate breakfast with phillip. 1st period sucked but i gave petrena that shirt she wanted. mr tucakovics first half i made myself a drag queen and some guy said girls don't need make to be beautiful and i wanted to protest that i don't use make up from self improvement but for self expression but i choked on my words and learned that i should just keep my feelings opinions and thought to my own fucking self.
then in lunch i sat with phillip and told him about how the person who owned my heart before fionn, which we all know about since one of my friends arianna said she noticed me giving her a sad look and i told her i used to like her and arianna said i should ask her out, but i just shrugged and told phillip why i wouldn't. when she found out through my own words that i liked her, i asked her if she was disgusted (which i expect people to be) and she said she didn't really care if i liked her or not, which my evil self-esteemless brain translated into "i don't give a fuck if you like me or not because you're an ugly fat girl" or something and i dunno she wasn't the only one who said that to me i've been rejected a thousand times before (and i have a story to tell about that later) but i just explained to him everything thats happened to her since with her ex b/f which is kinda like me and fionn and whatever.
so the next half of reading was all anti woman-abuse and since i'm such a nerd i was enthusiastic about everything. sorry i have such strong opinions.
so then science sucked except for when i stole one of clancy's reeses things when she took away her harry potter book from me, lol. not really, where'd you go after we left to the computer lab? you never came back...he didn't notice don't worry. so whatever and then out of nowhere andres tells me,
"my type of perfect girl is hispanic, gothic...has a big ass...*pause*, and speaks english perfectly."
i stared in horror. thats a complete describtion of me, and i pointed that out and hes like yeah the ass part and i said and i speak english and i'm spanish and i suppose i could be labeled gothic so he's like no you're pagan and that hurt...no, i'm not pagan anymore, the whore of my mother took the only joy that my religion threw to me and ate it up to laugh at it. but oh well i don't blame her, the ignorant society the stupid people live in make the stupid stupider and helpless and i don't care to change her views on that subject because she'd rather trust stupid stereotypes over her own daughter. so i told him no thats just a religion and thankfully we slipped away to talk about religion.
so then i tried skateboarding but i died. then on the bus stop phillip wasn't being himself, and looked exactly how i look when i'm depressed / bleh-ish so i figured to just hug him and tell him to tell me what it was later. chris showed up, and olivia talked to him on the bus ride and i stayed with phillip. (shouldn't it be vice versa, considering...olivia?) so i tried to cheer him up by singing to him, obviously i worsened things.
then we got off and i finally just confronted phillip,
me = ...tell me, what is wrong...
him = eh, nothing...
me = yes, something, you're not upbeat, you're not yourself, tell me what it is...
him = ehh i know you can tell i'm not myself right now...
me = can you also tell i'm worried and want to find out whats bothering you?
him = why do you care?
me = because i care about my friends, including of course you
him = so? not all my friends care about me
me = well i care about you
him = *silence*...just go talk to olivia, shes acting stupid, i just kinda wanna be alone...
so i did go to olivia, who was at this point confused and overwhelmed with phillip's lack of happiness. phillip ended up spilling to us about how he just moved last night (which i was told in breakfast with him) and how he had to be up all night putting in the furniture (which i didn't find suitable, he said he woke up and was completely used to everything the same night, which meant he slept) so i caught onto something, his falter, maybe it was true but it wasn't what bothered him, he wasn't just tired, but he started going back to his regular self.
so then since theres always an enormous interchange of emotions with us three (olivia phillip and me), me and olivia prepared each other for sadness, but for once it didn't hit me but olivia, great.
i just reminded about how beautiful i find south beach to be, the ocean i meant and phillip wanted to draw it so we went to the rocks and while he i think drew it olivia started walking away i dunno why but i figured because i was all cuddly how i am when i'm not sad and just was next to him and whatever so i left with phillip to find her and shes around and blah blah blah we do the usual and whatever then go and get ice cream where i got rejected about 60 times by phillip, i kept asking him out just to hear him say no and reject me and about 40 by olivia just to be rejected too and got 100 rejections from them two. so we went to go catch the bus and whatever. bye olivia.
on the bus, yeah, interesting ride...phillip told me what was truely bothering him, and i exclaimed, "don't you fucking care about how the people who love you would be?!", basically myself being hurt, and i dunno what he said probably "no one cares". then he told me about his relationship with rebecca, and how she treated him the way no one else in the world, not even his mother or anyone had ever been to him. and how he loved her, and she cheated on him. mhm, then i found out he has but yet a NEW girlfriend, manwhore. so then i wanted to clear out wtf is it with him messing with olivia and...i don't remember, but he changed the subject when i asked him why he hadn't asked olivia why. he tried to throw me off the seat and whatever so i just played along and interesting poking occured. i decided to get off at his stop since i wanted proof of what he had told me occured the night he moved. his house is nice! his mom likes me. she thinks i'm pretty and loves that me and her have the same birthdate :). so whatever phillip told me the stains were behind a box so i gave up and then we left to walk me to the l bus' stop. i asked him if arianna did oralize him and he nodded, he told me him and her went out for a long bit and now they're friends with benefits, like him and olivia.
i am SO agaisnt that. but i'll discuss that later.
so then we find ourselves with arianna and sara, and arianna was all, "guess what?! saben just called!! and he says he loves me!!" and, i wanted to die.
she left me for saben. she left me for saben. why? what would saben give her that i wouldn't? pain, thats for sure. after her dumping of me (which i remind she was my first girlfriend! first anything!!) for saben she gets dumped by HIM and ends up crying in MY lap. i got really upset, and phillip noticed and told arianna to hush but she kept being happy and i just got sadder and sadder and whatever i told her shes happy because someone who tore her apart before now lies with "i love you"? and she takes me the wrong way and says oh yeah...its my payback! and i just give up...
it hurts so much that the meaning of the phrase i love you has completely lost all its meaning. it just hurts that no one has any feelings anymore. everyone is just selfish. and so am i. and that hurts, so much...why is the world so horrible? because of greed. and what does this have to do with love? without love there isn't stability. i dunno. i have no idea of what the fuck i am saying. i just mean...nevermind.
so then getting to north shore the l is RIGHT there and i run like a maniac and it just leaves. :( so i cry just remembering everything of how ironic fate is and whatever.
then fate is nice :S and another bus is just behind that one.
talked to olivia on the phone, until she got into tears.
i'm not typing about what happened.
then got home and here i am.
i dunno.
i just don't fucking know anymore.
i fucking love phillip, like a brother. just the little deep talks we've had are fucking enough to prove to me hes gone through everything that i have, and that hes really not one of those fucking guys that care about taking advantage over the power they have over girls with their looks. hes, a really amazing person, like paul. actually phillip always reminds me of paul...
but anyway, someone who looks as good as phillip (ok not as good but i mean everyone thinks hes cute) won't care to show his true self to everyone but rather enjoy himself. i dunno...
he does have feelings, i can see that, its so clear now. so much make sense. hes just suffered so much he doesn't care anymore to give himself out to someone, without trust...he trusts me, i know now.
i remember him saying, "i got screwed two times you idiot!" to olivia and i asked, "was it casual sex?.." which i've made obvious to the world that casual sex is something i defenetly despise. he says no, he was going out with them, but that in the end all that mattered was the fun of it...no, it didn't phillip. i can see more than that in you. you don't care about the fun. you want reality. but reality is shit. i know that. i'm sorry.
but please...just don't. don't. thats what were all here together for. to get through this. together. alone we're nothing. and you are not alone. i love you, i just realized how much i do. platonically, too. i dunno. i also realized how alike phillip and paul are!! just in very small things i do notice a major difference, like how phillip hides his yearning for true love because he's capable of having a thousand options, and the taste in music (phillip's a slippo fuck) but thats only because i still haven't introduced phillip to proper bands. or maybe i have i dunno.
well, i dunno. i realized tonight that i do have people i am close to. olivia and phillip. i can tell them anything. and i love them so much. but both of them, are enduring the same degree of torment, and i've had both nearly in tears of that endless longing to salvation, but...i just truely don't want to believe thats the answer...if were here its to get through this together...it deffo isn't something easy but thats why we have each other to cope with...but, maybe they aren't aware of how much they mean to me and will go ahead and die.
i know both would do it without hesitation.
but both deserve so much better.
about myself, i don't care anymore. i am just me, never going to be in proper love and always wanted that loneleyness to end, never going to be totally happy with myself because i dunno, never going to be comfortable at home because of so much, never going to who knows what else, but thats not something i care to put thought into.
i love olivia, and phillip.
and paul too.
lots!!
and the first two, wouldn't think twice of "freeing" themselves...i'm just worried and overwhelmed...and totally confused...
phillip reminds me of paul...a lot...and i used to have loads of non platonic feelings for paul...and i probably still do but just ignore them...because he has brianna...
maybe i'm ignoring what i feel for phillip, because i don't want to make olivia's life even worse?! NO.
just loads of confusion. do i like the someone for who they are or for who they remind me of?...if phillip is the floridian version of paul, then wow. fate does like me. but, i don't want to bother with it much. god, yes i do!! what the hell am i feeling!?! who do i love her?!! and which love is platonic and not?!!
i'm over fionn!! he was just proof fate send to me to say, "hehe I HATE YOU YOU UGLY WHORE"!!!
maybe i'm being just a little selfish caring about my confusions, but i remind...that two of the three people that i love the most...wouldn't think twice...wouldn't think about if they're used to seeing me miserable, i'd just...explode of misery without them...because, they themselves are suffering...maybe its selfish to not wish their release, but thats why WE are together! because with each other we can cope this mess, this frustration.
pleeease phillip...pleeeease olivia.......stop it........
as if losing fionn wasn't fucking enough!! omg i just remembered...phillip told me today, "theres so much you don't know, about why fionn left..."...fionn never answers his phone...fionn was discussing how he should suicide on his sister's birthday...fionn also wanted to do blood brothers with phillip before he left...fionn showed me the scar on his palm from stabbing his hand with one of his swords...
oh no...don't tell me...
oh nooo...
fionn didn't.......
he couldn't have......
oh my god...
fionn suicided.......
my god.........
"theres so much you don't know, about why fionn left...."
its...clear....
so much...is clear...
maybe i'm wrong......
but, i never thought of this....
fionn killed himself.
either here in florida or in massachusettes.
he never answers his phone.
phillip never likes talking about him.
fionn was constantly discussing different methods and theories of suicide with me..
and phillip told me there is so much i don't know about why fionn left......
this is.....
over, just over fucking...
whelming.....
fionn, killed himself.....
but everything makes sense! all of a sudden leaving? all of a sudden ending everything? all of the sudden?! all of a sudden!?!!!!
well...my discovery of my ex boyfriends mysterious dissapearance...
i'm not only an ugly loser girl.
i'm an ugly loser girl who's ex boyfriend commited suicide.
anyway the morning was a blur.
i think i ate breakfast with phillip. 1st period sucked but i gave petrena that shirt she wanted. mr tucakovics first half i made myself a drag queen and some guy said girls don't need make to be beautiful and i wanted to protest that i don't use make up from self improvement but for self expression but i choked on my words and learned that i should just keep my feelings opinions and thought to my own fucking self.
then in lunch i sat with phillip and told him about how the person who owned my heart before fionn, which we all know about since one of my friends arianna said she noticed me giving her a sad look and i told her i used to like her and arianna said i should ask her out, but i just shrugged and told phillip why i wouldn't. when she found out through my own words that i liked her, i asked her if she was disgusted (which i expect people to be) and she said she didn't really care if i liked her or not, which my evil self-esteemless brain translated into "i don't give a fuck if you like me or not because you're an ugly fat girl" or something and i dunno she wasn't the only one who said that to me i've been rejected a thousand times before (and i have a story to tell about that later) but i just explained to him everything thats happened to her since with her ex b/f which is kinda like me and fionn and whatever.
so the next half of reading was all anti woman-abuse and since i'm such a nerd i was enthusiastic about everything. sorry i have such strong opinions.
so then science sucked except for when i stole one of clancy's reeses things when she took away her harry potter book from me, lol. not really, where'd you go after we left to the computer lab? you never came back...he didn't notice don't worry. so whatever and then out of nowhere andres tells me,
"my type of perfect girl is hispanic, gothic...has a big ass...*pause*, and speaks english perfectly."
i stared in horror. thats a complete describtion of me, and i pointed that out and hes like yeah the ass part and i said and i speak english and i'm spanish and i suppose i could be labeled gothic so he's like no you're pagan and that hurt...no, i'm not pagan anymore, the whore of my mother took the only joy that my religion threw to me and ate it up to laugh at it. but oh well i don't blame her, the ignorant society the stupid people live in make the stupid stupider and helpless and i don't care to change her views on that subject because she'd rather trust stupid stereotypes over her own daughter. so i told him no thats just a religion and thankfully we slipped away to talk about religion.
so then i tried skateboarding but i died. then on the bus stop phillip wasn't being himself, and looked exactly how i look when i'm depressed / bleh-ish so i figured to just hug him and tell him to tell me what it was later. chris showed up, and olivia talked to him on the bus ride and i stayed with phillip. (shouldn't it be vice versa, considering...olivia?) so i tried to cheer him up by singing to him, obviously i worsened things.
then we got off and i finally just confronted phillip,
me = ...tell me, what is wrong...
him = eh, nothing...
me = yes, something, you're not upbeat, you're not yourself, tell me what it is...
him = ehh i know you can tell i'm not myself right now...
me = can you also tell i'm worried and want to find out whats bothering you?
him = why do you care?
me = because i care about my friends, including of course you
him = so? not all my friends care about me
me = well i care about you
him = *silence*...just go talk to olivia, shes acting stupid, i just kinda wanna be alone...
so i did go to olivia, who was at this point confused and overwhelmed with phillip's lack of happiness. phillip ended up spilling to us about how he just moved last night (which i was told in breakfast with him) and how he had to be up all night putting in the furniture (which i didn't find suitable, he said he woke up and was completely used to everything the same night, which meant he slept) so i caught onto something, his falter, maybe it was true but it wasn't what bothered him, he wasn't just tired, but he started going back to his regular self.
so then since theres always an enormous interchange of emotions with us three (olivia phillip and me), me and olivia prepared each other for sadness, but for once it didn't hit me but olivia, great.
i just reminded about how beautiful i find south beach to be, the ocean i meant and phillip wanted to draw it so we went to the rocks and while he i think drew it olivia started walking away i dunno why but i figured because i was all cuddly how i am when i'm not sad and just was next to him and whatever so i left with phillip to find her and shes around and blah blah blah we do the usual and whatever then go and get ice cream where i got rejected about 60 times by phillip, i kept asking him out just to hear him say no and reject me and about 40 by olivia just to be rejected too and got 100 rejections from them two. so we went to go catch the bus and whatever. bye olivia.
on the bus, yeah, interesting ride...phillip told me what was truely bothering him, and i exclaimed, "don't you fucking care about how the people who love you would be?!", basically myself being hurt, and i dunno what he said probably "no one cares". then he told me about his relationship with rebecca, and how she treated him the way no one else in the world, not even his mother or anyone had ever been to him. and how he loved her, and she cheated on him. mhm, then i found out he has but yet a NEW girlfriend, manwhore. so then i wanted to clear out wtf is it with him messing with olivia and...i don't remember, but he changed the subject when i asked him why he hadn't asked olivia why. he tried to throw me off the seat and whatever so i just played along and interesting poking occured. i decided to get off at his stop since i wanted proof of what he had told me occured the night he moved. his house is nice! his mom likes me. she thinks i'm pretty and loves that me and her have the same birthdate :). so whatever phillip told me the stains were behind a box so i gave up and then we left to walk me to the l bus' stop. i asked him if arianna did oralize him and he nodded, he told me him and her went out for a long bit and now they're friends with benefits, like him and olivia.
i am SO agaisnt that. but i'll discuss that later.
so then we find ourselves with arianna and sara, and arianna was all, "guess what?! saben just called!! and he says he loves me!!" and, i wanted to die.
she left me for saben. she left me for saben. why? what would saben give her that i wouldn't? pain, thats for sure. after her dumping of me (which i remind she was my first girlfriend! first anything!!) for saben she gets dumped by HIM and ends up crying in MY lap. i got really upset, and phillip noticed and told arianna to hush but she kept being happy and i just got sadder and sadder and whatever i told her shes happy because someone who tore her apart before now lies with "i love you"? and she takes me the wrong way and says oh yeah...its my payback! and i just give up...
it hurts so much that the meaning of the phrase i love you has completely lost all its meaning. it just hurts that no one has any feelings anymore. everyone is just selfish. and so am i. and that hurts, so much...why is the world so horrible? because of greed. and what does this have to do with love? without love there isn't stability. i dunno. i have no idea of what the fuck i am saying. i just mean...nevermind.
so then getting to north shore the l is RIGHT there and i run like a maniac and it just leaves. :( so i cry just remembering everything of how ironic fate is and whatever.
then fate is nice :S and another bus is just behind that one.
talked to olivia on the phone, until she got into tears.
i'm not typing about what happened.
then got home and here i am.
i dunno.
i just don't fucking know anymore.
i fucking love phillip, like a brother. just the little deep talks we've had are fucking enough to prove to me hes gone through everything that i have, and that hes really not one of those fucking guys that care about taking advantage over the power they have over girls with their looks. hes, a really amazing person, like paul. actually phillip always reminds me of paul...
but anyway, someone who looks as good as phillip (ok not as good but i mean everyone thinks hes cute) won't care to show his true self to everyone but rather enjoy himself. i dunno...
he does have feelings, i can see that, its so clear now. so much make sense. hes just suffered so much he doesn't care anymore to give himself out to someone, without trust...he trusts me, i know now.
i remember him saying, "i got screwed two times you idiot!" to olivia and i asked, "was it casual sex?.." which i've made obvious to the world that casual sex is something i defenetly despise. he says no, he was going out with them, but that in the end all that mattered was the fun of it...no, it didn't phillip. i can see more than that in you. you don't care about the fun. you want reality. but reality is shit. i know that. i'm sorry.
but please...just don't. don't. thats what were all here together for. to get through this. together. alone we're nothing. and you are not alone. i love you, i just realized how much i do. platonically, too. i dunno. i also realized how alike phillip and paul are!! just in very small things i do notice a major difference, like how phillip hides his yearning for true love because he's capable of having a thousand options, and the taste in music (phillip's a slippo fuck) but thats only because i still haven't introduced phillip to proper bands. or maybe i have i dunno.
well, i dunno. i realized tonight that i do have people i am close to. olivia and phillip. i can tell them anything. and i love them so much. but both of them, are enduring the same degree of torment, and i've had both nearly in tears of that endless longing to salvation, but...i just truely don't want to believe thats the answer...if were here its to get through this together...it deffo isn't something easy but thats why we have each other to cope with...but, maybe they aren't aware of how much they mean to me and will go ahead and die.
i know both would do it without hesitation.
but both deserve so much better.
about myself, i don't care anymore. i am just me, never going to be in proper love and always wanted that loneleyness to end, never going to be totally happy with myself because i dunno, never going to be comfortable at home because of so much, never going to who knows what else, but thats not something i care to put thought into.
i love olivia, and phillip.
and paul too.
lots!!
and the first two, wouldn't think twice of "freeing" themselves...i'm just worried and overwhelmed...and totally confused...
phillip reminds me of paul...a lot...and i used to have loads of non platonic feelings for paul...and i probably still do but just ignore them...because he has brianna...
maybe i'm ignoring what i feel for phillip, because i don't want to make olivia's life even worse?! NO.
just loads of confusion. do i like the someone for who they are or for who they remind me of?...if phillip is the floridian version of paul, then wow. fate does like me. but, i don't want to bother with it much. god, yes i do!! what the hell am i feeling!?! who do i love her?!! and which love is platonic and not?!!
i'm over fionn!! he was just proof fate send to me to say, "hehe I HATE YOU YOU UGLY WHORE"!!!
maybe i'm being just a little selfish caring about my confusions, but i remind...that two of the three people that i love the most...wouldn't think twice...wouldn't think about if they're used to seeing me miserable, i'd just...explode of misery without them...because, they themselves are suffering...maybe its selfish to not wish their release, but thats why WE are together! because with each other we can cope this mess, this frustration.
pleeease phillip...pleeeease olivia.......stop it........
as if losing fionn wasn't fucking enough!! omg i just remembered...phillip told me today, "theres so much you don't know, about why fionn left..."...fionn never answers his phone...fionn was discussing how he should suicide on his sister's birthday...fionn also wanted to do blood brothers with phillip before he left...fionn showed me the scar on his palm from stabbing his hand with one of his swords...
oh no...don't tell me...
oh nooo...
fionn didn't.......
he couldn't have......
oh my god...
fionn suicided.......
my god.........
"theres so much you don't know, about why fionn left...."
its...clear....
so much...is clear...
maybe i'm wrong......
but, i never thought of this....
fionn killed himself.
either here in florida or in massachusettes.
he never answers his phone.
phillip never likes talking about him.
fionn was constantly discussing different methods and theories of suicide with me..
and phillip told me there is so much i don't know about why fionn left......
this is.....
over, just over fucking...
whelming.....
fionn, killed himself.....
but everything makes sense! all of a sudden leaving? all of a sudden ending everything? all of the sudden?! all of a sudden!?!!!!
well...my discovery of my ex boyfriends mysterious dissapearance...
i'm not only an ugly loser girl.
i'm an ugly loser girl who's ex boyfriend commited suicide.