Yesterday...
Yesterday was really emotional. I cried so much I was dehydrated this morning!
Let's start back several months, actually last year, when I was planning on going to Concordia Chicago. I started volunteering with my church's youth group - just for the summer, so originally temporarily, and I had a great summer hanging out with some really awesome kids who were mostly really well-behaved and pleasant. Those same kids have been slowly turning into monste...I mean...moody, angry, rude teenagers. A few months ago I stepped up and asked for more of a permanent position with the youth, and have been spending more and more of my time, money (of which I have very little to begin with) and resources on these kids. They want to do cool stuff and I have been trying to make things happen. Lately, they have been ruder and ruder and more disrespectful and at the 30 Hour Famine, my mom, who came just for ME because I asked for her help (getting chaperones was like pulling teeth and a whole other story) anyway, my mom actually raised her voice (doesn't happen often - even in private) and chewed them out after three kids left the building without telling anyone where they were going and then were snarky and disrespectful when called on it. She told them that they owed me an apology. And while she apologized shortly and privately to all three of them (for publicly embarrassing them and upsetting them), not a single one of them ever apologized to me. The other Youth Leaders (who have been with these kids longer than I) do not enforce rules or discipline except to "threaten" the kids with me, "Don't let Midnightpeapod catch you with your phone out." "Do you want Midnightpeapod to yell at you again?" "Midnightpeapod is going to take that away if she sees it." Most of the time they just shrug and say things like "They're just kids." or "Kids will be kids, what can we do?" UGH! THEY ARE LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU LET THEM GET AWAY WITH RUDE BEHAVIOR!!!! It drives me crazy! I feel like I am fighting a battle all by myself. Sometimes, lately, my prayers feel ineffective.
And the kids are suffering for it. I think there are only 4 or 5 out of 20 (or so) who haven't CUT themselves! Two of them have been hospitalized for overdosing on over-the-counter meds (one of those two is under 13!) They complain when I "over-schedule" fellowship time, but when I give them Free Time w/o electronic devices THEY HAVE NO IDEA how to Entertain themselves!!!!
And when they do something amazing and wonderful and God-insprired I don't really get support either!
One of my Middle School students Baptized her best friend during bible study one night - entirely student-led! and instead Praise and Celebration they were grounded! I let it happen because I'm not sure I should stand in the way of The Holy Spirit moving in kids like that! Now those fires that were burning so brightly in February are banked and I'm now struggling to relight the match!
One of my Ninth graders spent all last year Visibly Glowing with God's Love Gladly sharing Jesus and leading Prayers at Bible Study. Ever since her mom came with as a chaperone on our Winter Retreat and got angry that her daughter hadn't spent any time with her, I hardly see her and when I do she has this shadow behind her eyes.
I have parents alternately yelling at me for something I said or did or didn't say or do and praising me for things like "Thank you for stopping that *insert inappropriate behavior* on Wednesday, I didn't want to say anything because they are my son's friends and I don't want to upset or embarrass him." Yeah, I stopped the inappropriate behavior, but I ad squeeze and push my way through 20 kids (and two other "Youth Leaders" to do so and you were standing right there!!!! It is YOUR JOB as a parent to embarrass your kids!!! Just because I am one of the Youth Leaders doesn't mean I am the only one with a responsibility to the kids!!!!
Back to Yesterday, One of the parents had a concern with something I did last Wednesday, and very kindly explained it to me in private yesterday, I have known her since I was ten (and she was a newly-wed) and I was really embarrassed for having disappointing her, and cried. Then she reaffirmed a lot of what I have been feeling lately and I cried again (she did too). She told me her youngest kid likes me, but doesn't want to come to Bible Study and she doesn't know what to do. I am trying, I've been spending a lot of my time and money trying to come up with or find Bible Studies that are engaging and interesting to them...
My parents and sister keep counseling me to just walk away from serving the Youth. But I DON"T WANT to do that to them. The Youth Leader that the church hired just Walked Away from them (took a job at an insurance company), another one moved away, and one of the other fill-in youth leaders recently stepped down because he was burned-out and wanted to spend more time with his kids. I don't want them to get the message that they Aren't Worth Anything. At the same time I am burning out and exhausted and tired of clinging to the side of the boat begging the other adults to pull me in or give me a life vest. The other "Youth Leader" who barely spends time w/ the youth but does the brunt of the Paperwork stuff verbally encourages me while making facial expressions that speak volumes that she doesn't like what I'm doing or agree with my expectations for behavior. And makes comments about my inexperience. Yeah, I'm somewhat inexperienced - I'm 28 years old and I DON'T have kids!
On the Other Hand, I have been working with kids since I was 10 years old!!!! (Vacation Bible School, Kyle Hientz and I were the only 5th graders and so we helped his mom with her giant class of second graders! That school year I started watching the younger siblings of my sisters' brownie troop members in the hallway while their parents were in meetings!)
Anyway, I actually missed the entire church service because I was talking to this parent.
I get home from church and had just walked in the door when my dad starts yelling at me that "You should Thank your Sister for picking up your stuff in the living room!" What stuff? Everything my sister picked up was his or my moms! Or the Dogs' toys! He spent like two hours shoving me off the emotional cliff I'd barely managed to cling to not half an hour previously. And my Mom and sister got involved and we had a screaming match that was ridiculous and accomplished nothing but give me a major headache.
I left to go the surprise party that I'd helped a family friend plan for her 19 year old daughter whom I used to babysit and whose group of friends are who I hang out with at school. The closest of them to my age is only 8 and a half years younger than me.... It was fun, but also kind of boring. I have recently realized that while these kids consider me their friend, I feel more like their Den Mother.
I'm really getting sick of being lonely, but right now I spend so much time doing schoolwork and planning stuff for the youth and almost all the people I know who are my age are married and/or have children.
My mom thinks I need to find a new church and walk away from this stress.
Oh and since I couldn't sleep last night and laying in my bed was just frustrating me I got up and flipped through Netflix...what movie did I end up watching? Letters to God! The movie is good, but I spent another two hours crying.
I don't know what my point is other than to vent... anyway, I'll end this on a positive note. My GPA last semester was 3.33 (cumulative is 2.97 - I'm combating an old D), my grades were ABBA!
Let's start back several months, actually last year, when I was planning on going to Concordia Chicago. I started volunteering with my church's youth group - just for the summer, so originally temporarily, and I had a great summer hanging out with some really awesome kids who were mostly really well-behaved and pleasant. Those same kids have been slowly turning into monste...I mean...moody, angry, rude teenagers. A few months ago I stepped up and asked for more of a permanent position with the youth, and have been spending more and more of my time, money (of which I have very little to begin with) and resources on these kids. They want to do cool stuff and I have been trying to make things happen. Lately, they have been ruder and ruder and more disrespectful and at the 30 Hour Famine, my mom, who came just for ME because I asked for her help (getting chaperones was like pulling teeth and a whole other story) anyway, my mom actually raised her voice (doesn't happen often - even in private) and chewed them out after three kids left the building without telling anyone where they were going and then were snarky and disrespectful when called on it. She told them that they owed me an apology. And while she apologized shortly and privately to all three of them (for publicly embarrassing them and upsetting them), not a single one of them ever apologized to me. The other Youth Leaders (who have been with these kids longer than I) do not enforce rules or discipline except to "threaten" the kids with me, "Don't let Midnightpeapod catch you with your phone out." "Do you want Midnightpeapod to yell at you again?" "Midnightpeapod is going to take that away if she sees it." Most of the time they just shrug and say things like "They're just kids." or "Kids will be kids, what can we do?" UGH! THEY ARE LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU LET THEM GET AWAY WITH RUDE BEHAVIOR!!!! It drives me crazy! I feel like I am fighting a battle all by myself. Sometimes, lately, my prayers feel ineffective.
And the kids are suffering for it. I think there are only 4 or 5 out of 20 (or so) who haven't CUT themselves! Two of them have been hospitalized for overdosing on over-the-counter meds (one of those two is under 13!) They complain when I "over-schedule" fellowship time, but when I give them Free Time w/o electronic devices THEY HAVE NO IDEA how to Entertain themselves!!!!
And when they do something amazing and wonderful and God-insprired I don't really get support either!
One of my Middle School students Baptized her best friend during bible study one night - entirely student-led! and instead Praise and Celebration they were grounded! I let it happen because I'm not sure I should stand in the way of The Holy Spirit moving in kids like that! Now those fires that were burning so brightly in February are banked and I'm now struggling to relight the match!
One of my Ninth graders spent all last year Visibly Glowing with God's Love Gladly sharing Jesus and leading Prayers at Bible Study. Ever since her mom came with as a chaperone on our Winter Retreat and got angry that her daughter hadn't spent any time with her, I hardly see her and when I do she has this shadow behind her eyes.
I have parents alternately yelling at me for something I said or did or didn't say or do and praising me for things like "Thank you for stopping that *insert inappropriate behavior* on Wednesday, I didn't want to say anything because they are my son's friends and I don't want to upset or embarrass him." Yeah, I stopped the inappropriate behavior, but I ad squeeze and push my way through 20 kids (and two other "Youth Leaders" to do so and you were standing right there!!!! It is YOUR JOB as a parent to embarrass your kids!!! Just because I am one of the Youth Leaders doesn't mean I am the only one with a responsibility to the kids!!!!
Back to Yesterday, One of the parents had a concern with something I did last Wednesday, and very kindly explained it to me in private yesterday, I have known her since I was ten (and she was a newly-wed) and I was really embarrassed for having disappointing her, and cried. Then she reaffirmed a lot of what I have been feeling lately and I cried again (she did too). She told me her youngest kid likes me, but doesn't want to come to Bible Study and she doesn't know what to do. I am trying, I've been spending a lot of my time and money trying to come up with or find Bible Studies that are engaging and interesting to them...
My parents and sister keep counseling me to just walk away from serving the Youth. But I DON"T WANT to do that to them. The Youth Leader that the church hired just Walked Away from them (took a job at an insurance company), another one moved away, and one of the other fill-in youth leaders recently stepped down because he was burned-out and wanted to spend more time with his kids. I don't want them to get the message that they Aren't Worth Anything. At the same time I am burning out and exhausted and tired of clinging to the side of the boat begging the other adults to pull me in or give me a life vest. The other "Youth Leader" who barely spends time w/ the youth but does the brunt of the Paperwork stuff verbally encourages me while making facial expressions that speak volumes that she doesn't like what I'm doing or agree with my expectations for behavior. And makes comments about my inexperience. Yeah, I'm somewhat inexperienced - I'm 28 years old and I DON'T have kids!
On the Other Hand, I have been working with kids since I was 10 years old!!!! (Vacation Bible School, Kyle Hientz and I were the only 5th graders and so we helped his mom with her giant class of second graders! That school year I started watching the younger siblings of my sisters' brownie troop members in the hallway while their parents were in meetings!)
Anyway, I actually missed the entire church service because I was talking to this parent.
I get home from church and had just walked in the door when my dad starts yelling at me that "You should Thank your Sister for picking up your stuff in the living room!" What stuff? Everything my sister picked up was his or my moms! Or the Dogs' toys! He spent like two hours shoving me off the emotional cliff I'd barely managed to cling to not half an hour previously. And my Mom and sister got involved and we had a screaming match that was ridiculous and accomplished nothing but give me a major headache.
I left to go the surprise party that I'd helped a family friend plan for her 19 year old daughter whom I used to babysit and whose group of friends are who I hang out with at school. The closest of them to my age is only 8 and a half years younger than me.... It was fun, but also kind of boring. I have recently realized that while these kids consider me their friend, I feel more like their Den Mother.
I'm really getting sick of being lonely, but right now I spend so much time doing schoolwork and planning stuff for the youth and almost all the people I know who are my age are married and/or have children.
My mom thinks I need to find a new church and walk away from this stress.
Oh and since I couldn't sleep last night and laying in my bed was just frustrating me I got up and flipped through Netflix...what movie did I end up watching? Letters to God! The movie is good, but I spent another two hours crying.
I don't know what my point is other than to vent... anyway, I'll end this on a positive note. My GPA last semester was 3.33 (cumulative is 2.97 - I'm combating an old D), my grades were ABBA!