The Funeral of Hearts [27/29]
Title: The Funeral of Hearts
Author: midnightcancer
Pairing: Gerard/Frank
Rating: NC-17
Warning: language, alcohol, drug addiction, sex, and abuse
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone who appears in this story.
Summary: Gerard is a struggling artist who is getting frustrated with all his rejections. As if that alone wasn’t enough to send him flying over the edge, he falls in love with a touring musician who he doesn’t get to see a whole lot - and who has a past he’s yet to discover.
Upon waking up, Gerard has a “same shit, different day” attitude. It’s the same attitude he has upon waking up every single morning. Only this morning is different - this morning is the dawn of the day that he gets his drugs. Once he remembers this, his attitude suddenly changes. He’s not so apathetic about waking up and living to see another day. Instead, he sits up in bed with a smile and there’s an actual spring to his step as he gets dressed and runs a comb swiftly through his hair. His smile soon fades, however, when he remembers that he hasn’t quite figured out where he’ll be getting the drugs.
Good feeling gone.
As he walks to the kitchen to get himself something to eat, he busts his brain trying to figure out who to get in touch with. He wonders if his old dealer is still around. It’s possible that that guy’s either dead or in jail but if worse comes to worse, Gerard supposes it wouldn’t hurt dropping him a line - that is, if the guy didn’t change his phone number (which is likely) or move apartments (which is also very likely). This is the problem with not knowing a whole lot of people - you don’t have the connections you need when it comes to things like these. Drug users are all over the place, really, but he doesn’t really know anyone. He knows Ville - who doesn’t do anything more than smoke and occasionally drink. That’s it. Ville is Gerard’s only friend and the single other person he knows is Frank.
Frank.
What did Davey say about Frank the other day? Didn’t he say Frank used to do drugs? Isn’t that why Davey and Frank broke up?
Gerard’s going out on a limb here but if there’s anyone that has drugs - or knows how to get them, at least - it’s probably Frank. It’s also probable that Frank really has cleaned up since his split with Davey - but old habits die hard. The likelihood of him still doing drugs is higher than him not.
There’s only one way to find out for sure, though.
Gerard pulls out his phone and presses the number for Frank’s speed dial. Being that he has little to no contacts in his phone, Frank was automatically programmed as speed dial five.
When he hears the line click, Gerard doesn’t even give Frank any time to greet him before he blurts out, “I need a favor.”
“What kind of favor?”
Frank’s voice sounds hoarse - almost like he’s been screaming. Or crying. Or both. And it’s pretty deep and groggy. Like he just woke up.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you sleeping?”
“Something like that.”
“Should I call back later then?”
Frank sighs and grumbles, “Gerard, just tell me what you fucking need. Spit it out already.”
Frank’s in no mood for bullshit this morning. That much is obvious. So Gerard cuts to the chase.
“I need drugs,” he states simply.
There’s a short pause where Frank doesn’t immediately reply. Whether it’s because he’s still trying to wake up or purposely putting off responding - Gerard can’t know for sure. But he’s almost certain it’s the latter.
“Okay,” Frank finally says. “You need drugs. Why is that my problem? Why are you calling me?”
“Because I thought maybe you’d be able to hook me up with something. Or someone who has something.”
“What gave you the idea that I would have any drugs to begin with?”
Now it’s Gerard’s turn to hesitate. It’s his own turn to put off responding. But he replies quicker than Frank did. Because Frank’s not in the mood to dick around, clearly, and Gerard isn’t either, really.
“Davey told me you used to do drugs.”
Another pause. Longer this time. It’s a lot tense than the two previous ones. It’s not awkward - no. Just really tense. Gerard hunches his shoulders, crowding in around himself, flinching even though there’s nothing to be flinching from. He supposes Frank’s pending response is what’s making him flinch. Something like this could be unpredictable. Who knows how Frank’s going to respond to Davey spilling classified information like that.
“Davey did what?” Frank finally whispers. “He fucking did what?”
“He just… He told me you did drugs. That’s all.”
“That’s all,” Frank repeats. His voice is starting to rise with every word he speaks. “That’s all Davey told you? That’s all he revealed to you? Because somehow I find that hard to believe.”
By the last sentence Frank’s voice has risen from a low grumble to a loud yelling - so loud that Gerard has to hold the phone away from his ear.
“Look, it’s not even that big of a deal!” Gerard yells back. Before he can say anything else, Frank is cutting him off.
“Not even that big of a deal? Blurting out private information isn’t that big of a deal? How about if one of your ex-boyfriends was running around talking trash about you? Would you like that very much? Would you be okay with it? Would it still not be a big deal then?”
Gerard can’t honestly tell Frank that it wouldn’t - because it would. It would be a very big deal. Since Gerard’s cleaned up, he’s been wanting to keep things hush hush about his old habits. He wouldn’t want people he’s recently met to know things about his old self. It would crush him. He wouldn’t want these fresh faces to get the wrong idea about him. He can imagine Frank feels the same way. So it’s realistic that he’s getting so angry over Davey disclosing details about his past. He understands now.
“I’m sorry,” Gerard whispers, his voice dropping from its previous volume. “I get it. I really do.”
Unlike Gerard, Frank isn’t done yelling.
“Do you, Gerard? Because I don’t think you do.”
And then Gerard had to explain his prior thought process. He had to prove to Frank that he understands what it’s like not wanting people to know certain things.
“I fucking get it, okay,” Gerard concludes. “And I find it rather insulting that you’re saying I don’t. I know what it’s like to worry about being judged for old habits. Everyone thinks that once you do drugs you’re always going to do them.”
“They’re right,” Frank says, voice finally lowering.
And Gerard can’t believe Frank just said that.
“What?”
“They’re right,” repeats Frank. “Everyone is right to think that. I mean, would you be asking me for drugs otherwise? If you were so clean then you wouldn’t be asking me to hook you up with something now would you?”
“Old habits die hard,” Gerard mutters. “But this isn’t about getting clean or keeping things from people or what those people say about me or you or anyone else. This is just about getting my hands on something - anything. So can you help me out?”
Gerard is very much done discussing the thought process of people’s opinions on former drug addicts. He just wants drugs. And that’s all he wants to talk about currently. Everything else is a waste of time.
It’s a long minute before Frank finally responds but, eventually, he gives in.
“Fine,” he mutters. Sighing, he repeats himself. “Fine. I’ll be over today, is that alright?”
“That sounds great,” Gerard replies. “I’ll see you then.”
And just like that, it’s settled. Getting drugs literally is that easy. When you have the right connections.
Gerard guess that’s just it then. Frank’s now a connection. Frank is now a means to an end. A fix.
Gerard can’t say he’s the least bit bothered by it either.
* * * * *
When Frank arrives, Gerard finds himself in a bit of a predicament. Frank handed over the baggie and Gerard took it. But Frank’s hand never retreated. It stayed outwards and open while an expectant expression was on Frank’s face. Now Gerard’s looking between the shorter man’s hand and the man’s face, asking, “What?”
“My pay?” Frank asks. “You know, my money?”
Gerard’s face falls and he becomes uncomfortable.
“Oh… Uh…” Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Gerard mutters, “I don’t have any money.” He quickly pockets the baggie before Frank has the chance to reach out and take it from him.
“You could have told me that over the phone.” Frank’s an expressive guy - whatever he’s feeling shows up on his face and right now it’s apparent that he’s rather annoyed with the situation he finds himself in.
“I didn’t know I had to pay,” Gerard says. “I thought it was going to be free of charge.”
Frank’s eyebrows shoot up and he repeats, “Free of charge? You thought I wasn’t going to expect anything in return for my drugs?” Gerard nods. “Why would you even think that?”
“Well…” Gerard starts. “We’re friends, so…”
“So that doesn’t make a bit of difference,” Frank says. “Friends or not, I expect something in return for my drugs. You either return the favor or return my baggie.” He shrugs. “That’s just how it is, man.”
Gerard’s shocked, to say the least. He didn’t expect that this man - the man he thought he was friends with - would charge him for this. He thought it could be a free favor. A freebie. But it’s becoming apparent that this just isn’t the case.
What can he do now?
“Well I already said I don’t have any money,” Gerard says softly. “Is there anything else I can pay you back with?”
Gerard stares at Frank who stares back and they stay like this for a moment. Gerard’s thinking of a solution to this problem and when Frank doesn’t suggest anything, Gerard comes up with his own idea.
“Maybe you’d like to share?” Gerard asks. “Like, we can cut it in half or something.”
Frank shakes his head and mutters, “No. Because you still wouldn’t be paying for your half.” Stepping forward, he says, “I have a better idea instead.”
Gerard watches the shorter man close the distance between themselves and his breath hitches when Frank’s lips come up to meet his own. It feels rather sudden to him but Gerard should have seen it coming with the way Frank advanced and the look he had in his eye when walking forward. But he didn’t catch on and now his knees are weakening over the sudden contact of Frank’s lips on his.
When Frank pulls away, his hand moves up to Gerard’s face and he gently caresses the taller man’s eye.
“I’m sorry,” Frank whispers. “I didn’t…”
Gerard shakes his head and kisses Frank again, drowning out the words of whatever Frank was going to say next. He doesn’t want to hear it.
When the pull apart again, Gerard asks, “So is this how I’m going to pay? Am I going to fuck you for the drugs?”
Frank doesn’t even give it a second thought before he’s nodding and replying, “That’s what’s going to go down. Otherwise, you can just give the baggie back.”
Gerard’s mind is racing - and it’s a good thing, he guesses, because he needs to answer Frank quickly. But when his answer is lost under all these other thoughts, how can he say anything in reply?
One of the thoughts that’s ringing loud in Gerard’s head is: Am I really doing this? Is he really going to sell his body for drugs? Is he seriously going to turn into one of those drug addicts? When he was battling with his addiction the first time, sure, he didn’t have much money. He was broke. But he never resorted to sex in exchange for his fix. He always promised himself that he’d never sink that low.
But look at him now. He’s already took the first step by making out with his connection. Now that he’s started, why not finish?
Gerard takes a deep breath and, on the exhale, he mumbles a breathless, “Let’s do it.”
Author: midnightcancer
Pairing: Gerard/Frank
Rating: NC-17
Warning: language, alcohol, drug addiction, sex, and abuse
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone who appears in this story.
Summary: Gerard is a struggling artist who is getting frustrated with all his rejections. As if that alone wasn’t enough to send him flying over the edge, he falls in love with a touring musician who he doesn’t get to see a whole lot - and who has a past he’s yet to discover.
Upon waking up, Gerard has a “same shit, different day” attitude. It’s the same attitude he has upon waking up every single morning. Only this morning is different - this morning is the dawn of the day that he gets his drugs. Once he remembers this, his attitude suddenly changes. He’s not so apathetic about waking up and living to see another day. Instead, he sits up in bed with a smile and there’s an actual spring to his step as he gets dressed and runs a comb swiftly through his hair. His smile soon fades, however, when he remembers that he hasn’t quite figured out where he’ll be getting the drugs.
Good feeling gone.
As he walks to the kitchen to get himself something to eat, he busts his brain trying to figure out who to get in touch with. He wonders if his old dealer is still around. It’s possible that that guy’s either dead or in jail but if worse comes to worse, Gerard supposes it wouldn’t hurt dropping him a line - that is, if the guy didn’t change his phone number (which is likely) or move apartments (which is also very likely). This is the problem with not knowing a whole lot of people - you don’t have the connections you need when it comes to things like these. Drug users are all over the place, really, but he doesn’t really know anyone. He knows Ville - who doesn’t do anything more than smoke and occasionally drink. That’s it. Ville is Gerard’s only friend and the single other person he knows is Frank.
Frank.
What did Davey say about Frank the other day? Didn’t he say Frank used to do drugs? Isn’t that why Davey and Frank broke up?
Gerard’s going out on a limb here but if there’s anyone that has drugs - or knows how to get them, at least - it’s probably Frank. It’s also probable that Frank really has cleaned up since his split with Davey - but old habits die hard. The likelihood of him still doing drugs is higher than him not.
There’s only one way to find out for sure, though.
Gerard pulls out his phone and presses the number for Frank’s speed dial. Being that he has little to no contacts in his phone, Frank was automatically programmed as speed dial five.
When he hears the line click, Gerard doesn’t even give Frank any time to greet him before he blurts out, “I need a favor.”
“What kind of favor?”
Frank’s voice sounds hoarse - almost like he’s been screaming. Or crying. Or both. And it’s pretty deep and groggy. Like he just woke up.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you sleeping?”
“Something like that.”
“Should I call back later then?”
Frank sighs and grumbles, “Gerard, just tell me what you fucking need. Spit it out already.”
Frank’s in no mood for bullshit this morning. That much is obvious. So Gerard cuts to the chase.
“I need drugs,” he states simply.
There’s a short pause where Frank doesn’t immediately reply. Whether it’s because he’s still trying to wake up or purposely putting off responding - Gerard can’t know for sure. But he’s almost certain it’s the latter.
“Okay,” Frank finally says. “You need drugs. Why is that my problem? Why are you calling me?”
“Because I thought maybe you’d be able to hook me up with something. Or someone who has something.”
“What gave you the idea that I would have any drugs to begin with?”
Now it’s Gerard’s turn to hesitate. It’s his own turn to put off responding. But he replies quicker than Frank did. Because Frank’s not in the mood to dick around, clearly, and Gerard isn’t either, really.
“Davey told me you used to do drugs.”
Another pause. Longer this time. It’s a lot tense than the two previous ones. It’s not awkward - no. Just really tense. Gerard hunches his shoulders, crowding in around himself, flinching even though there’s nothing to be flinching from. He supposes Frank’s pending response is what’s making him flinch. Something like this could be unpredictable. Who knows how Frank’s going to respond to Davey spilling classified information like that.
“Davey did what?” Frank finally whispers. “He fucking did what?”
“He just… He told me you did drugs. That’s all.”
“That’s all,” Frank repeats. His voice is starting to rise with every word he speaks. “That’s all Davey told you? That’s all he revealed to you? Because somehow I find that hard to believe.”
By the last sentence Frank’s voice has risen from a low grumble to a loud yelling - so loud that Gerard has to hold the phone away from his ear.
“Look, it’s not even that big of a deal!” Gerard yells back. Before he can say anything else, Frank is cutting him off.
“Not even that big of a deal? Blurting out private information isn’t that big of a deal? How about if one of your ex-boyfriends was running around talking trash about you? Would you like that very much? Would you be okay with it? Would it still not be a big deal then?”
Gerard can’t honestly tell Frank that it wouldn’t - because it would. It would be a very big deal. Since Gerard’s cleaned up, he’s been wanting to keep things hush hush about his old habits. He wouldn’t want people he’s recently met to know things about his old self. It would crush him. He wouldn’t want these fresh faces to get the wrong idea about him. He can imagine Frank feels the same way. So it’s realistic that he’s getting so angry over Davey disclosing details about his past. He understands now.
“I’m sorry,” Gerard whispers, his voice dropping from its previous volume. “I get it. I really do.”
Unlike Gerard, Frank isn’t done yelling.
“Do you, Gerard? Because I don’t think you do.”
And then Gerard had to explain his prior thought process. He had to prove to Frank that he understands what it’s like not wanting people to know certain things.
“I fucking get it, okay,” Gerard concludes. “And I find it rather insulting that you’re saying I don’t. I know what it’s like to worry about being judged for old habits. Everyone thinks that once you do drugs you’re always going to do them.”
“They’re right,” Frank says, voice finally lowering.
And Gerard can’t believe Frank just said that.
“What?”
“They’re right,” repeats Frank. “Everyone is right to think that. I mean, would you be asking me for drugs otherwise? If you were so clean then you wouldn’t be asking me to hook you up with something now would you?”
“Old habits die hard,” Gerard mutters. “But this isn’t about getting clean or keeping things from people or what those people say about me or you or anyone else. This is just about getting my hands on something - anything. So can you help me out?”
Gerard is very much done discussing the thought process of people’s opinions on former drug addicts. He just wants drugs. And that’s all he wants to talk about currently. Everything else is a waste of time.
It’s a long minute before Frank finally responds but, eventually, he gives in.
“Fine,” he mutters. Sighing, he repeats himself. “Fine. I’ll be over today, is that alright?”
“That sounds great,” Gerard replies. “I’ll see you then.”
And just like that, it’s settled. Getting drugs literally is that easy. When you have the right connections.
Gerard guess that’s just it then. Frank’s now a connection. Frank is now a means to an end. A fix.
Gerard can’t say he’s the least bit bothered by it either.
* * * * *
When Frank arrives, Gerard finds himself in a bit of a predicament. Frank handed over the baggie and Gerard took it. But Frank’s hand never retreated. It stayed outwards and open while an expectant expression was on Frank’s face. Now Gerard’s looking between the shorter man’s hand and the man’s face, asking, “What?”
“My pay?” Frank asks. “You know, my money?”
Gerard’s face falls and he becomes uncomfortable.
“Oh… Uh…” Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Gerard mutters, “I don’t have any money.” He quickly pockets the baggie before Frank has the chance to reach out and take it from him.
“You could have told me that over the phone.” Frank’s an expressive guy - whatever he’s feeling shows up on his face and right now it’s apparent that he’s rather annoyed with the situation he finds himself in.
“I didn’t know I had to pay,” Gerard says. “I thought it was going to be free of charge.”
Frank’s eyebrows shoot up and he repeats, “Free of charge? You thought I wasn’t going to expect anything in return for my drugs?” Gerard nods. “Why would you even think that?”
“Well…” Gerard starts. “We’re friends, so…”
“So that doesn’t make a bit of difference,” Frank says. “Friends or not, I expect something in return for my drugs. You either return the favor or return my baggie.” He shrugs. “That’s just how it is, man.”
Gerard’s shocked, to say the least. He didn’t expect that this man - the man he thought he was friends with - would charge him for this. He thought it could be a free favor. A freebie. But it’s becoming apparent that this just isn’t the case.
What can he do now?
“Well I already said I don’t have any money,” Gerard says softly. “Is there anything else I can pay you back with?”
Gerard stares at Frank who stares back and they stay like this for a moment. Gerard’s thinking of a solution to this problem and when Frank doesn’t suggest anything, Gerard comes up with his own idea.
“Maybe you’d like to share?” Gerard asks. “Like, we can cut it in half or something.”
Frank shakes his head and mutters, “No. Because you still wouldn’t be paying for your half.” Stepping forward, he says, “I have a better idea instead.”
Gerard watches the shorter man close the distance between themselves and his breath hitches when Frank’s lips come up to meet his own. It feels rather sudden to him but Gerard should have seen it coming with the way Frank advanced and the look he had in his eye when walking forward. But he didn’t catch on and now his knees are weakening over the sudden contact of Frank’s lips on his.
When Frank pulls away, his hand moves up to Gerard’s face and he gently caresses the taller man’s eye.
“I’m sorry,” Frank whispers. “I didn’t…”
Gerard shakes his head and kisses Frank again, drowning out the words of whatever Frank was going to say next. He doesn’t want to hear it.
When the pull apart again, Gerard asks, “So is this how I’m going to pay? Am I going to fuck you for the drugs?”
Frank doesn’t even give it a second thought before he’s nodding and replying, “That’s what’s going to go down. Otherwise, you can just give the baggie back.”
Gerard’s mind is racing - and it’s a good thing, he guesses, because he needs to answer Frank quickly. But when his answer is lost under all these other thoughts, how can he say anything in reply?
One of the thoughts that’s ringing loud in Gerard’s head is: Am I really doing this? Is he really going to sell his body for drugs? Is he seriously going to turn into one of those drug addicts? When he was battling with his addiction the first time, sure, he didn’t have much money. He was broke. But he never resorted to sex in exchange for his fix. He always promised himself that he’d never sink that low.
But look at him now. He’s already took the first step by making out with his connection. Now that he’s started, why not finish?
Gerard takes a deep breath and, on the exhale, he mumbles a breathless, “Let’s do it.”