Dreamseller [13/18]
Title: Dreamseller
Author: midnightcancer
Pairing: Gerard/Frank + Gerard/OMC
Rating: NC-17
Warning: language, sexual situations, death, drugs
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters - just the plot.
Summary: His smile is wide and bright so long as the curtains are open. Once they close, however, he turns into someone else - a person different from any of the characters he plays on stage. He turns into himself.
A/N: 2.8K words. I meant to update this yesterday but I was too busy wallowing in self-pity. I'll get to comments once I'm done being depressed ^^
The following morning, Gerard is the first one to wake. Just like he wanted the day before, he got to wake up to Frank. Upon opening his eyes, he was surprised to see the janitor laying in bed with him but as yesterday’s events recounted themselves, he Gerard smiles. Frank arrived at Gerard’s house through unfortunate circumstances, but Gerard’s thankful nonetheless. He just wishes that he wasn’t vulnerable and needy sometimes. He really needs to figure out how to start standing on his own two feet without relying on others. Without relying on Frank. Without relying on the producer, especially.
The producer.
The previous night’s sex isn’t the only thing that surfaced in Gerard’s mind upon waking. When put up against waking up earlier yesterday afternoon to the producer in the seat Frank should have been sitting in, sex doesn’t even compare. The sex was good. It was fucking great but unfortunately, Gerard’s emotions towards the producer are stronger than the post-orgasm feelings that are still lingering in Gerard’s abdomen.
Being careful not to wake Frank, Gerard sits up before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and getting up. He’s mindful of the creaky boards of his bedroom floor, making sure not to make any noise as he slips out of the bedroom. Once in the hall, Gerard makes his way for the kitchen to make some coffee. While he waits for it to perk, he’s left alone with his thoughts.
The sex was nice. The reason why he had the sex was not.
If it hadn’t been for the producer then Gerard probably wouldn’t have went and did those lines. He probably wouldn’t have panicked about the situation half as bad had he not did those lines. Frank probably wouldn’t have come over if he hadn’t panicked. And they probably wouldn’t have had sex had Frank not come over.
So it all comes down to the producer.
The producer told him that he either cut things off with Frank or he gets cut off from his career. And then, hours later, what does Gerard do? He certainly didn’t cut things off with Frank, that’s for sure. Instead, he took things farther than they had been before the producer gave him a choice - he took it a hell of a lot farther by sleeping with Frank. It’s what he wanted at the time. At the time, in that moment, he wanted Frank. But overall, Gerard wants his career as an actor.
So what does he do?
Gerard’s faced with a difficult decision: does he break it off with Frank - despite having just had sex with him the night before - and save his career, or does he remain friends with Frank, seeing where last night’s sex will bring them, and risk ruining his career.
Gerard just doesn’t know what to do.
Turning away from the table, Gerard grabs two mugs from his cupboard and pours two cups of fresh coffee - one for himself and one for the lover in his bed. Returning to his room, Gerard sinks down onto the mattress, placing his own mug on the night table, holding Frank’s underneath his nose. Gerard watches Frank react with a smile on his face - how Frank crinkles his nose and he twitches ever so slightly before he opens his eyes, blinks, and realizes that there’s a cup of coffee shoved in his face.
“I made it for you,” Gerard says, smile still on his face.
Frank doesn’t say anything. He just nods and lifts himself up to a sitting position before taking the coffee from Gerard and sipping on it. He makes a face when he realizes the coffee is too hot to drink.
“I just made it,” Gerard clarifies.
“Thanks for the warning,” mutters Frank.
The men sit in silence after that. Gerard ignores his cup of coffee while Frank takes deep breaths and blows them out to cool off his own. Gerard watches Frank sit there on the opposite end of the bed. He stares at Frank. Admires him. Wonders what Frank is thinking in this moment. Is he thinking about what happened last night? Is he asking himself where the two of them go from there? Gerard’s asking himself those very questions. He wants to know if Frank is too. But, before he asks about that, he has to ask about something else. Something more important.
“If someone was faced with choosing between friendship and career, which do you think would be the right choice?”
Frank looks over at Gerard with a quirked eyebrow.
“Are we really discussing morals this early in the morning?” Frank asks.
“It’s important,” replies Gerard.
Frank shrugs and looks back to his coffee. Despite his silence, Gerard knows he’s thinking about it just by the expression on Frank’s face. Eventually he comes up with an answer.
“Personally, I’d choose friendship.” Shrugging again, he adds, “But that’s just me.”
“But what if you sacrificed a lot for the career?” Gerard then asks.
“It depends on what I sacrificed.”
“Your pride,” Gerard replies softly. “Your pride and your body.”
Frank looks over at Gerard once again - this time his brows are furrowed.
“This is a weird thing to talk about,” Frank points out. “Like, where are you even going with this? What’s the purpose of this conversation?”
“It’s just…” Gerard trails off and bites at his lip. “It’s just for the sake of conversation, you know? I just want to talk. And I figured talking about the weather is rather boring so…”
Frank asked where Gerard was going with the conversation. The truth is that Gerard really didn’t know. He can admit that he’s being rather vague. Maybe he should stop taking things out of context and being hypothetical. Maybe Gerard would get the advice he needs if Frank knew the truth - if he knew why Gerard was asking such questions so early in the morning.
Here it goes, then.
“What I mean is… The producer. Yesterday. He told me that I either stop being friends with you or lose my career.”
Frank’s eyes widen and his mouth parts slightly. He looks surprised, but does he really have the right? After all, the producer made it clear that he didn’t like Frank nor did he want Frank in Gerard’s apartment. So it’s not surprising that the producer doesn’t want Frank to be friends with Gerard. But going as far as to pull Gerard’s career out from under him if he doesn’t stop being friends with Frank? Now that is surprising.
“I don’t know what to say,” Frank responds after a long moment. And, really, what is there to say about something like that? Gerard doesn’t expect him to reply with anything profound, so he keeps going.
“When I mentioned sacrificing pride and body for your career… I meant that’s what I did. To, you know… Become an actor in the theater,” Gerard mumbles. His head is lowered and his gaze cast downwards. He can’t look Frank in the eye when he’s telling him this. He can’t look at Frank at all. He’s too ashamed to do so. After all, it’s his pride he sacrificed. The opposite of pride is shame.
“I don’t understand,” Frank says. “What do you mean you sacrificed your pride? You body?”
“I wanted it so bad,” Gerard whispers - and his voice cracks on the last syllable. He’s thinking about the first night him and the producer hooked up. They were drunk. It was just a fling. But then Gerard found out this guy was the producer at a theater. That was his chance. He knew that if he played his cards right then he could get into the theater. He had a connection now - even if that connection was made through a drunken one night stand.
“I told the producer I’d do anything,” Gerard goes on. “Absolutely anything. Anything at all. And…” He trails off and tries his hardest to swallow the knot that’s formed in his throat but he fails and he chokes. He chokes on the knot and his own words and in the next moment he’s sobbing. He’s curled up on his side of the bed, knees drawn to his chest, hands covering his face, and he’s sobbing harder than he’s sobbed since the first time he let the producer take him - the fuck that sealed the deal.
“The producer,” Gerard says through his sobs. “He said that to… To get into the theater… If I was willing to do anything - truly anything… That I’d have to…”
Gerard loses it right then. He can’t bring himself to say the words so in their place he sobs. It’s a loud, heart-wrenching sob that shakes through his whole body. Frank’s finding it hard to bear witness as it happens. Gerard’s crying harder now than he did when they locked themselves in one of the spare rooms a week ago.
Since abandoning his cup of coffee on his night table, Frank scoots closer to Gerard. As soon he’s pressed up against the actor’s side, the janitor wraps his arms around Gerard and pulls him close. He lets Gerard cry while he nuzzles the other man’s greasy hair, placing kisses at the top of his head every so often. Frank doesn’t speak - doesn’t make a single sound. He only holds Gerard tight and lets the man sob to his heart’s content. He wants Gerard to let it all out. Maybe once he’s finished with his breakdown he’ll be able to communicate more clearly what he’s trying to say. Maybe he’ll feel better.
It’s a long time before Gerard finally calms down, but Frank doesn’t mind. He’s patient. When Gerard does stop crying, however, Frank is more than relieved. The pain that resonated throughout Gerard’s cries were absolutely heartbreaking. Frank’s thankful it’s over.
“Are you ready to finish now?” Frank asks in a soft tone, running his fingers through Gerard’s hair. Gerard’s eyes are closed and he cuddles closer to Frank, seemingly enjoying the comforting feel of Frank’s fingertips massaging his scalp.
“I slept with the producer,” Gerard states after a long minute. And, unlike before, he doesn’t sound hurt. He doesn’t sound upset. Not any longer. His voice is rather emotionless - clinical, even, as he states the fact like it’s no big deal.
Frank would be lying if he said that he wasn’t a little shocked - because he is.
“Just one time?” Frank asks and, when Gerard shakes his head, he becomes slightly more shocked. “How many, then?”
“Too many,” Gerard mumbles as he nuzzles against Frank’s chest. “It’s how I got my career and it’s how I’ve been keeping it.”
Frank almost can’t believe what he’s hearing. This man he’s holding on to, the talented man he’s seen on stage, the one who’s talked about by everyone - even those who doesn’t attend theater shows regularly - isn’t living off of his acting skills? Rather than using his abilities, he’s been using his body this whole time?
Sacrificing your body.
The things Gerard was saying to Frank upon waking up all make sense now.
“So what you mean to tell me is that this whole time you’ve been pretty much selling your body to be able to perform on stage?” Frank asks.
“Pretty much,” mutters Gerard in response - and still: he doesn’t even sound upset anymore. It’s like he’s finally accepted it. He’s given up. He just doesn’t care.
“And if you don’t stop being friends with me then you’ll lose your position at the theater,” Frank goes on - he’s saying this more for his own benefit than an attempt at conversation, but Gerard confirms it anyway.
“That’s why I’m so confused,” Gerard adds. “That’s why I asked what the right thing to do is in this situation. You said you’d choose your friend but after you know that sacrifice involved with choosing the friend over your career, after knowing that you gave up your body night after night for the career, would you still choose your friend?”
Frank can’t answer that. He can’t because he really doesn’t know. Even if it was him in Gerard’s shoes, he still wouldn’t know what to do. And it’s clear that Gerard doesn’t either - otherwise he wouldn’t be asking.
Gerard finds himself in quite the predicament.
“Well,” Frank eventually starts. “Given the circumstances, you shouldn’t have to choose at all. I mean, telling you to choose friendship or career is a dick-like move to begin with - but it especially becomes douchey when you’ve given up your body the way you have for your career.”
“You know why, though, don’t you?” Gerard asks. He looks up at Frank and the expression on Gerard’s face breaks Frank’s already weak heart.
“Why?”
“He’s jealous,” Gerard states bluntly. “He’s jealous of you. He has sex with me because he likes me. And in return, he bribes me with the main parts of plays just so I continue having sex with him.” Taking a deep breath, Gerard mutters, “I’m not making any sense.”
“Kind of.”
In a fucked up way, the producer loves Gerard. He does, really. He just has a really messed up way of showing it. The producer wants Gerard all to himself and the only way he has to keep Gerard to himself is by bribing him with theater stardom. In return, Satan has Gerard’s soul - and Gerard’s ass - to do as he pleases. And that’s kind of the relationship Gerard and the producer. It’s fucked beyond all reason but as long as the two of them are each getting what they want, then it’s okay, right?
Wrong.
It all went wrong as soon as Frank came into the picture. The producer picked up on them quickly - noticed how close they were getting that one day Frank and Gerard were sitting together in Gerard’s dressing room - the day that Gerard stormed out and Frank had to go chasing after him. The producer knew right then that there was something invading the manipulative bubble he has with Gerard. Frank came into the picture and everything sort of went wrong from there. The producer was losing Gerard and he knew it. Now giving him the choice of friendship and career was the only way he could keep his grip on Gerard.
“Because acting is all I’ve wanted my whole life, the producer knows that I’ll choose my career,” Gerard concludes. “He just knows it.”
Frank doesn’t respond immediately. In fact, it’s a long handful of minutes before he says anything at all. And when he does, he sounds shattered.
“So that’s it, then?” Frank asks, his voice low. There’s a shake to his voice, almost like he’s the one that’s going to cry now. But Gerard doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Frank to cry. He doesn’t want Frank to get hurt. All he wanted was advice.
“No, that’s not it,” Gerard quickly says. “I’m not making a final decision. I’m asking for your advice, Frank. I want your input on this. What should I do?”
“Do what you want to do,” Frank whispers. “You’ve already said that acting is what you want. You want it more than anything in the world. You want it so badly that you’re willing to give up your body for it. So… I don’t see how I could even compare to that. You’ve scarified so much already for what you want and, you know… You don’t really want me. Not as much as you want your job as an actor.”
The thing that hurts most about all of what’s being said is that it’s all true. Having to choose isn’t what hurts. It’s the choice that Gerard will inevitably make that hurts. Gerard probably will choose his career over Frank. And that hurts Gerard. Because he wants both. And of course the choice hurts Frank too because he really likes Gerard. He wants to be friends. And after last night of having sex… They had sex. Doesn’t that mean something? Enough to even consider remaining friends, at least? But Frank supposes it doesn’t. Gerard has sex with the producer all the time. The only difference is that the producer has something to offer Gerard. All Frank has to offer is his friendship.
“That really is it,” Frank concludes. Despite Gerard saying it’s not, it really is.
Taking a deep breath, Frank pulls away from Gerard. Gerard looks at Frank with big, sad eyes and he wants to say something - really, he does. But what’s there to say? Gerard knows the choice he’s going to make. Frank knows it too. And that’s why he’s leaving. For Gerard to stop Frank now would just be stringing him along. If he does that, it’ll just hurt them both in the long run.
After pulling on his clothing that had been discarded the night before, Frank walks through the bedroom silently. He doesn’t even say goodbye before rounding the corner into the hallway. Gerard doesn’t say goodbye either. He doesn’t make a sound nor does he even move. The only movement that comes is when he flinches upon hearing the apartment door slam.
That really is it, then.
Author: midnightcancer
Pairing: Gerard/Frank + Gerard/OMC
Rating: NC-17
Warning: language, sexual situations, death, drugs
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters - just the plot.
Summary: His smile is wide and bright so long as the curtains are open. Once they close, however, he turns into someone else - a person different from any of the characters he plays on stage. He turns into himself.
A/N: 2.8K words. I meant to update this yesterday but I was too busy wallowing in self-pity. I'll get to comments once I'm done being depressed ^^
The following morning, Gerard is the first one to wake. Just like he wanted the day before, he got to wake up to Frank. Upon opening his eyes, he was surprised to see the janitor laying in bed with him but as yesterday’s events recounted themselves, he Gerard smiles. Frank arrived at Gerard’s house through unfortunate circumstances, but Gerard’s thankful nonetheless. He just wishes that he wasn’t vulnerable and needy sometimes. He really needs to figure out how to start standing on his own two feet without relying on others. Without relying on Frank. Without relying on the producer, especially.
The producer.
The previous night’s sex isn’t the only thing that surfaced in Gerard’s mind upon waking. When put up against waking up earlier yesterday afternoon to the producer in the seat Frank should have been sitting in, sex doesn’t even compare. The sex was good. It was fucking great but unfortunately, Gerard’s emotions towards the producer are stronger than the post-orgasm feelings that are still lingering in Gerard’s abdomen.
Being careful not to wake Frank, Gerard sits up before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and getting up. He’s mindful of the creaky boards of his bedroom floor, making sure not to make any noise as he slips out of the bedroom. Once in the hall, Gerard makes his way for the kitchen to make some coffee. While he waits for it to perk, he’s left alone with his thoughts.
The sex was nice. The reason why he had the sex was not.
If it hadn’t been for the producer then Gerard probably wouldn’t have went and did those lines. He probably wouldn’t have panicked about the situation half as bad had he not did those lines. Frank probably wouldn’t have come over if he hadn’t panicked. And they probably wouldn’t have had sex had Frank not come over.
So it all comes down to the producer.
The producer told him that he either cut things off with Frank or he gets cut off from his career. And then, hours later, what does Gerard do? He certainly didn’t cut things off with Frank, that’s for sure. Instead, he took things farther than they had been before the producer gave him a choice - he took it a hell of a lot farther by sleeping with Frank. It’s what he wanted at the time. At the time, in that moment, he wanted Frank. But overall, Gerard wants his career as an actor.
So what does he do?
Gerard’s faced with a difficult decision: does he break it off with Frank - despite having just had sex with him the night before - and save his career, or does he remain friends with Frank, seeing where last night’s sex will bring them, and risk ruining his career.
Gerard just doesn’t know what to do.
Turning away from the table, Gerard grabs two mugs from his cupboard and pours two cups of fresh coffee - one for himself and one for the lover in his bed. Returning to his room, Gerard sinks down onto the mattress, placing his own mug on the night table, holding Frank’s underneath his nose. Gerard watches Frank react with a smile on his face - how Frank crinkles his nose and he twitches ever so slightly before he opens his eyes, blinks, and realizes that there’s a cup of coffee shoved in his face.
“I made it for you,” Gerard says, smile still on his face.
Frank doesn’t say anything. He just nods and lifts himself up to a sitting position before taking the coffee from Gerard and sipping on it. He makes a face when he realizes the coffee is too hot to drink.
“I just made it,” Gerard clarifies.
“Thanks for the warning,” mutters Frank.
The men sit in silence after that. Gerard ignores his cup of coffee while Frank takes deep breaths and blows them out to cool off his own. Gerard watches Frank sit there on the opposite end of the bed. He stares at Frank. Admires him. Wonders what Frank is thinking in this moment. Is he thinking about what happened last night? Is he asking himself where the two of them go from there? Gerard’s asking himself those very questions. He wants to know if Frank is too. But, before he asks about that, he has to ask about something else. Something more important.
“If someone was faced with choosing between friendship and career, which do you think would be the right choice?”
Frank looks over at Gerard with a quirked eyebrow.
“Are we really discussing morals this early in the morning?” Frank asks.
“It’s important,” replies Gerard.
Frank shrugs and looks back to his coffee. Despite his silence, Gerard knows he’s thinking about it just by the expression on Frank’s face. Eventually he comes up with an answer.
“Personally, I’d choose friendship.” Shrugging again, he adds, “But that’s just me.”
“But what if you sacrificed a lot for the career?” Gerard then asks.
“It depends on what I sacrificed.”
“Your pride,” Gerard replies softly. “Your pride and your body.”
Frank looks over at Gerard once again - this time his brows are furrowed.
“This is a weird thing to talk about,” Frank points out. “Like, where are you even going with this? What’s the purpose of this conversation?”
“It’s just…” Gerard trails off and bites at his lip. “It’s just for the sake of conversation, you know? I just want to talk. And I figured talking about the weather is rather boring so…”
Frank asked where Gerard was going with the conversation. The truth is that Gerard really didn’t know. He can admit that he’s being rather vague. Maybe he should stop taking things out of context and being hypothetical. Maybe Gerard would get the advice he needs if Frank knew the truth - if he knew why Gerard was asking such questions so early in the morning.
Here it goes, then.
“What I mean is… The producer. Yesterday. He told me that I either stop being friends with you or lose my career.”
Frank’s eyes widen and his mouth parts slightly. He looks surprised, but does he really have the right? After all, the producer made it clear that he didn’t like Frank nor did he want Frank in Gerard’s apartment. So it’s not surprising that the producer doesn’t want Frank to be friends with Gerard. But going as far as to pull Gerard’s career out from under him if he doesn’t stop being friends with Frank? Now that is surprising.
“I don’t know what to say,” Frank responds after a long moment. And, really, what is there to say about something like that? Gerard doesn’t expect him to reply with anything profound, so he keeps going.
“When I mentioned sacrificing pride and body for your career… I meant that’s what I did. To, you know… Become an actor in the theater,” Gerard mumbles. His head is lowered and his gaze cast downwards. He can’t look Frank in the eye when he’s telling him this. He can’t look at Frank at all. He’s too ashamed to do so. After all, it’s his pride he sacrificed. The opposite of pride is shame.
“I don’t understand,” Frank says. “What do you mean you sacrificed your pride? You body?”
“I wanted it so bad,” Gerard whispers - and his voice cracks on the last syllable. He’s thinking about the first night him and the producer hooked up. They were drunk. It was just a fling. But then Gerard found out this guy was the producer at a theater. That was his chance. He knew that if he played his cards right then he could get into the theater. He had a connection now - even if that connection was made through a drunken one night stand.
“I told the producer I’d do anything,” Gerard goes on. “Absolutely anything. Anything at all. And…” He trails off and tries his hardest to swallow the knot that’s formed in his throat but he fails and he chokes. He chokes on the knot and his own words and in the next moment he’s sobbing. He’s curled up on his side of the bed, knees drawn to his chest, hands covering his face, and he’s sobbing harder than he’s sobbed since the first time he let the producer take him - the fuck that sealed the deal.
“The producer,” Gerard says through his sobs. “He said that to… To get into the theater… If I was willing to do anything - truly anything… That I’d have to…”
Gerard loses it right then. He can’t bring himself to say the words so in their place he sobs. It’s a loud, heart-wrenching sob that shakes through his whole body. Frank’s finding it hard to bear witness as it happens. Gerard’s crying harder now than he did when they locked themselves in one of the spare rooms a week ago.
Since abandoning his cup of coffee on his night table, Frank scoots closer to Gerard. As soon he’s pressed up against the actor’s side, the janitor wraps his arms around Gerard and pulls him close. He lets Gerard cry while he nuzzles the other man’s greasy hair, placing kisses at the top of his head every so often. Frank doesn’t speak - doesn’t make a single sound. He only holds Gerard tight and lets the man sob to his heart’s content. He wants Gerard to let it all out. Maybe once he’s finished with his breakdown he’ll be able to communicate more clearly what he’s trying to say. Maybe he’ll feel better.
It’s a long time before Gerard finally calms down, but Frank doesn’t mind. He’s patient. When Gerard does stop crying, however, Frank is more than relieved. The pain that resonated throughout Gerard’s cries were absolutely heartbreaking. Frank’s thankful it’s over.
“Are you ready to finish now?” Frank asks in a soft tone, running his fingers through Gerard’s hair. Gerard’s eyes are closed and he cuddles closer to Frank, seemingly enjoying the comforting feel of Frank’s fingertips massaging his scalp.
“I slept with the producer,” Gerard states after a long minute. And, unlike before, he doesn’t sound hurt. He doesn’t sound upset. Not any longer. His voice is rather emotionless - clinical, even, as he states the fact like it’s no big deal.
Frank would be lying if he said that he wasn’t a little shocked - because he is.
“Just one time?” Frank asks and, when Gerard shakes his head, he becomes slightly more shocked. “How many, then?”
“Too many,” Gerard mumbles as he nuzzles against Frank’s chest. “It’s how I got my career and it’s how I’ve been keeping it.”
Frank almost can’t believe what he’s hearing. This man he’s holding on to, the talented man he’s seen on stage, the one who’s talked about by everyone - even those who doesn’t attend theater shows regularly - isn’t living off of his acting skills? Rather than using his abilities, he’s been using his body this whole time?
Sacrificing your body.
The things Gerard was saying to Frank upon waking up all make sense now.
“So what you mean to tell me is that this whole time you’ve been pretty much selling your body to be able to perform on stage?” Frank asks.
“Pretty much,” mutters Gerard in response - and still: he doesn’t even sound upset anymore. It’s like he’s finally accepted it. He’s given up. He just doesn’t care.
“And if you don’t stop being friends with me then you’ll lose your position at the theater,” Frank goes on - he’s saying this more for his own benefit than an attempt at conversation, but Gerard confirms it anyway.
“That’s why I’m so confused,” Gerard adds. “That’s why I asked what the right thing to do is in this situation. You said you’d choose your friend but after you know that sacrifice involved with choosing the friend over your career, after knowing that you gave up your body night after night for the career, would you still choose your friend?”
Frank can’t answer that. He can’t because he really doesn’t know. Even if it was him in Gerard’s shoes, he still wouldn’t know what to do. And it’s clear that Gerard doesn’t either - otherwise he wouldn’t be asking.
Gerard finds himself in quite the predicament.
“Well,” Frank eventually starts. “Given the circumstances, you shouldn’t have to choose at all. I mean, telling you to choose friendship or career is a dick-like move to begin with - but it especially becomes douchey when you’ve given up your body the way you have for your career.”
“You know why, though, don’t you?” Gerard asks. He looks up at Frank and the expression on Gerard’s face breaks Frank’s already weak heart.
“Why?”
“He’s jealous,” Gerard states bluntly. “He’s jealous of you. He has sex with me because he likes me. And in return, he bribes me with the main parts of plays just so I continue having sex with him.” Taking a deep breath, Gerard mutters, “I’m not making any sense.”
“Kind of.”
In a fucked up way, the producer loves Gerard. He does, really. He just has a really messed up way of showing it. The producer wants Gerard all to himself and the only way he has to keep Gerard to himself is by bribing him with theater stardom. In return, Satan has Gerard’s soul - and Gerard’s ass - to do as he pleases. And that’s kind of the relationship Gerard and the producer. It’s fucked beyond all reason but as long as the two of them are each getting what they want, then it’s okay, right?
Wrong.
It all went wrong as soon as Frank came into the picture. The producer picked up on them quickly - noticed how close they were getting that one day Frank and Gerard were sitting together in Gerard’s dressing room - the day that Gerard stormed out and Frank had to go chasing after him. The producer knew right then that there was something invading the manipulative bubble he has with Gerard. Frank came into the picture and everything sort of went wrong from there. The producer was losing Gerard and he knew it. Now giving him the choice of friendship and career was the only way he could keep his grip on Gerard.
“Because acting is all I’ve wanted my whole life, the producer knows that I’ll choose my career,” Gerard concludes. “He just knows it.”
Frank doesn’t respond immediately. In fact, it’s a long handful of minutes before he says anything at all. And when he does, he sounds shattered.
“So that’s it, then?” Frank asks, his voice low. There’s a shake to his voice, almost like he’s the one that’s going to cry now. But Gerard doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Frank to cry. He doesn’t want Frank to get hurt. All he wanted was advice.
“No, that’s not it,” Gerard quickly says. “I’m not making a final decision. I’m asking for your advice, Frank. I want your input on this. What should I do?”
“Do what you want to do,” Frank whispers. “You’ve already said that acting is what you want. You want it more than anything in the world. You want it so badly that you’re willing to give up your body for it. So… I don’t see how I could even compare to that. You’ve scarified so much already for what you want and, you know… You don’t really want me. Not as much as you want your job as an actor.”
The thing that hurts most about all of what’s being said is that it’s all true. Having to choose isn’t what hurts. It’s the choice that Gerard will inevitably make that hurts. Gerard probably will choose his career over Frank. And that hurts Gerard. Because he wants both. And of course the choice hurts Frank too because he really likes Gerard. He wants to be friends. And after last night of having sex… They had sex. Doesn’t that mean something? Enough to even consider remaining friends, at least? But Frank supposes it doesn’t. Gerard has sex with the producer all the time. The only difference is that the producer has something to offer Gerard. All Frank has to offer is his friendship.
“That really is it,” Frank concludes. Despite Gerard saying it’s not, it really is.
Taking a deep breath, Frank pulls away from Gerard. Gerard looks at Frank with big, sad eyes and he wants to say something - really, he does. But what’s there to say? Gerard knows the choice he’s going to make. Frank knows it too. And that’s why he’s leaving. For Gerard to stop Frank now would just be stringing him along. If he does that, it’ll just hurt them both in the long run.
After pulling on his clothing that had been discarded the night before, Frank walks through the bedroom silently. He doesn’t even say goodbye before rounding the corner into the hallway. Gerard doesn’t say goodbye either. He doesn’t make a sound nor does he even move. The only movement that comes is when he flinches upon hearing the apartment door slam.
That really is it, then.