(no subject)
i havent updated in ages. my want/need for writing, for the computer, for comfort seems to have died off, then come back and died off once again. i did a pretty new layout for my website (http://distant-star.net) in a hope that it would influence me to write in my blog more often. ive written one long entry there so far, which is a good start i suppose. but then theres my livejournal. i dont know what to write here. my poeticness is on hiatus i think. im so tired, and confused right now that nothing seems right -- or wrong, or here, nor there, and everythings just nothing and... meh. dont worry.
chris and i broke up this afternoon. i cried. i drove a blade into my chest hoping to die, but feeling nothing but a stinging pain. im stupid. i really am stupid to push him back and expect him to fling back like a yoyo. today, i almost lost him for good. he broke down in tears infront of me, and my heart just stopped. it didnt even ache, it simply stopped because no ammount of pain could sum up how i was feeling right that moment. i hate myself. i hate myself for being so stupid, and for ALWAYS hurting the ones i love. the ones around me. the ones that mean more to me than anything else, including my own damn life. im selfish. thoughtless. a nusence.
on a brighter note, i had no school today. which was good. it gives me a break. even though ive only had 3 school days this week anyhow. its weekend now, and i dont have to work.. im so excited. and im not rostered on next week either, which is good. (except that im paranoid they might fire me!) so its going to be a good week. lots of relaxing. chris is probably staying tomorrow night, so we can mend whatever the hell went wrong today. and on sunday we have a date to go to the movies, to see '2 fast, 2 furious'.. he loves his cars. i love paul walker. nobody can complain. :D
chris and i broke up this afternoon. i cried. i drove a blade into my chest hoping to die, but feeling nothing but a stinging pain. im stupid. i really am stupid to push him back and expect him to fling back like a yoyo. today, i almost lost him for good. he broke down in tears infront of me, and my heart just stopped. it didnt even ache, it simply stopped because no ammount of pain could sum up how i was feeling right that moment. i hate myself. i hate myself for being so stupid, and for ALWAYS hurting the ones i love. the ones around me. the ones that mean more to me than anything else, including my own damn life. im selfish. thoughtless. a nusence.
on a brighter note, i had no school today. which was good. it gives me a break. even though ive only had 3 school days this week anyhow. its weekend now, and i dont have to work.. im so excited. and im not rostered on next week either, which is good. (except that im paranoid they might fire me!) so its going to be a good week. lots of relaxing. chris is probably staying tomorrow night, so we can mend whatever the hell went wrong today. and on sunday we have a date to go to the movies, to see '2 fast, 2 furious'.. he loves his cars. i love paul walker. nobody can complain. :D