Mass Effect: The Abridged Version, the penultimate bit.
Previously, on Mass Effect Shepherd lost a crew member and didn’t even get a sympathy shag. Now she journeys to Ferros to hopefully finally find some concrete proof of a galactic threat.
Shepherd: This place looks like I already bombed it.
Colonist: I love living here.
Kaiden: But the geth just killed your wife!
Colonist: I know, but I still love it here. Peace, man.
Shepherd: How do you support yourselves?
Colonist: Hydroponic gardens.
Shepherd:I suspect there’s something in them more sinister than mulch.
Colonist: Braaaains!
Shepherd: I get the feeling I’m going to regret not shooting these people on sight.
Ian Newstead: Ahahahaa, would you care for tea , Alice?
Shepherd: Look, I don’t need to some supposed-to-be-cryptic-while-actually-completely-stating-the-obvious bit character to tell me that something dodgy is going on here. *shoots him*
Kaiden: It seems like we’ve cleared the main area of Geth. I suppose we know what happens now.
Shepherd: I don’t want to hear any jokes about me driving off the skyway.
Ethan Jeong: We need to nuke the colony from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.
Julianna Baynham: NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!
Lizbeth Baynham: Oh the folly! We knew not what we had wrought when we wrought it!
Shepherd: Lemme guess, everyone has been infected by the spores of a psychic plant? And the stupid evil corporation that runs this world decided to use the colonists as test subjects because they thought they could market the spores as a weapon?
Lizbeth Baynham: Umm... that’s pretty much it.
Kaiden: Commander, how did you know?
Shepherd: Unlike you guys, I’ve actually watched movies. Day of the Triffids owns, man.
Lizbeth: So will you try to save the colonists from the infection?
Shepherd: Hell no, I’m going to shoot everything I see!
Wrex: I’m glad I’m part of this crew.
Thorian: *give birth to a green bitch* Re-lease-me.
Shepherd: Don’t you think it’s a little weird that we can show a plant giving birth through its Lovecraftian nightmarish mouth vagina, but the strippers keep their underwear on?
Kaiden: *blushes*
Shepherd: Oh I forgot that you’ve a sensitive military officer. Let’s just get on with the violent massacre then.
Thorian: I’m a big green mother from outer space and I’m bad!
Shepherd: *uses salt grenades*
Thorian: *shrivels and dies*
Kaiden: Why didn’t you just shoot off the supporting branches?
Shepherd: It’s a plant, you think it just holds on to things? I have two words for you: ROOT SYSTEM.
Asari: You have saved me from being cloned into infinte J-Pop idols! I will give you a mystical vision to help you on your quest *waves hands around*
Shepherd: Thanks! *shoots her in the head* Now, I think we’ve killed nearly everything on this planet, so let’s go home and whine at the council.
*
Alpha Council: We have decided to ignore everything you’ve told us. Again.
Shepherd: God-damn it!
Human Abassador: I have decided to not support your cause because I am an angry stereotype.
Shepherd: God-damn it!
Abassador: Also, I am taking away the keys to your car.
Shepherd: GOD-DAMN IT!
Council: You are grounded, young lady.
Shepherd: I’m going to kill all you fucks.
*
Shepherd: *mopes*
Kaiden: Shepherd, is this a good time to talk about my feelings?
Shepherd: *glare*
Kaiden: Umm... okay. Would you like to talk about yours instead?
Shepherd: I’m currently going for quiet rage and desperation.
Kaiden: Exactly how desperate are you right now? *head jiggle*
Shepherd: Not that desperate, Lieutenant. *trips into Kaiden due to plot-induced clumsiness or because the military elite have weak ankles, whatever*
Kaiden: You... sure have a purty mouth... Shepherd. *suicidally leans in for smoochies*
Joker: HEY LISTEN! OMG GUYS, OMG!
Shepherd: Great timing, Joker. I’m giving you a raise.
Kaiden: Damn it! Cockblocked by a comic relief character! I’m gonna use Warp on his pelvis.
*
Joker: Captain Anderson wants to talk to you, I think he’s going to do something suicidally stupid so we can save the day!
Anderson: Okay, I’m going to hack the security systems so you can steal the Normandy.
Shepherd: Yay!
Joker: *recreates a scene from Jaynetown only without the chinese swearing because linguistics are hard*
Shepherd: *turns into a space hooker, at least for the next scene*
*
Kaiden: So, um... Commander?
Shepherd: What are you doing in my quarters in the middle of the night?
Kaiden: Uh, I wanted to say that I don’t want you to die.
Shepherd: Why’s that?
Kaiden: I’ve really enjoyed serving under you. *head jiggle*
Shepherd: That is a really bad come-on line. Why are you so persistent anyway? I’ve been nothing but obnoxious to you.
Kaiden: It’s very cold in space, Ma’am... and Ashley’s dead... and aliens aint mah thang.
Shepherd: Is it twue what they say about how you biotics are... gifted?
Kaiden: *blushes* Yes.
Shepherd: Would you... show me?
Kaiden: Of course, Commander. *strips*
Shepherd: Oh it’s twue! It’s twue, it’s twue!
Kaiden: I worked very hard to achieve it.
Shepherd: That was the best Ass Effect I’ve ever had.
Kaiden: Would you care for Space sex now?
Shepherd: Well Wrex has a headache, so why not? *smooch*
Kaiden: Look Commander,I have nipples!
Shepherd: I don’t!
Kaiden: Nice thighs and side-boob though. *rolls on top*
Shepherd: I’m a barbie girl, in a barbie world!
Kaiden: It’s fantastic!
Shepherd: Yes, but was it really worth an adult rating? *smokes cigar*
*
Shepherd arrives on Ilos, your standard overgrown ancient ruin full of killer robots. The shore party shoot at everything and eventually find an ancient VI interface.
VI: *fanfare*
Shepherd: Must be Protheian, it’s windows 98 again.
VI: You! Have! Mail! Sender - : saren2060@sexiturrian.cit Subject- Citadel. Message - : H1 guz3 1 h4v3 us3d t3h c0ndu1t t0 g0 t0 t3h c1t4d3l! U l0z3 L0L!
Kaiden: I can’t understand this!
Shepherd: That big glowy thing is the missing conduit, it’s a back-door into the citadel.
Kaiden: It’s a TRAP!
Shepherd: The Sovereign's going to kill everything in the station, damn it! I’m not going to let that happen. If anyone’s going to kill everything, it’ll be me!
VI: It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!
Shepherd: A maguffin to save the day, oh goodie!
Kaiden: Pedal to the metal, Commander! *drives into the conduit*
To be concluded...
Shepherd: This place looks like I already bombed it.
Colonist: I love living here.
Kaiden: But the geth just killed your wife!
Colonist: I know, but I still love it here. Peace, man.
Shepherd: How do you support yourselves?
Colonist: Hydroponic gardens.
Shepherd:I suspect there’s something in them more sinister than mulch.
Colonist: Braaaains!
Shepherd: I get the feeling I’m going to regret not shooting these people on sight.
Ian Newstead: Ahahahaa, would you care for tea , Alice?
Shepherd: Look, I don’t need to some supposed-to-be-cryptic-while-actually-completely-stating-the-obvious bit character to tell me that something dodgy is going on here. *shoots him*
Kaiden: It seems like we’ve cleared the main area of Geth. I suppose we know what happens now.
Shepherd: I don’t want to hear any jokes about me driving off the skyway.
Ethan Jeong: We need to nuke the colony from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.
Julianna Baynham: NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!
Lizbeth Baynham: Oh the folly! We knew not what we had wrought when we wrought it!
Shepherd: Lemme guess, everyone has been infected by the spores of a psychic plant? And the stupid evil corporation that runs this world decided to use the colonists as test subjects because they thought they could market the spores as a weapon?
Lizbeth Baynham: Umm... that’s pretty much it.
Kaiden: Commander, how did you know?
Shepherd: Unlike you guys, I’ve actually watched movies. Day of the Triffids owns, man.
Lizbeth: So will you try to save the colonists from the infection?
Shepherd: Hell no, I’m going to shoot everything I see!
Wrex: I’m glad I’m part of this crew.
Thorian: *give birth to a green bitch* Re-lease-me.
Shepherd: Don’t you think it’s a little weird that we can show a plant giving birth through its Lovecraftian nightmarish mouth vagina, but the strippers keep their underwear on?
Kaiden: *blushes*
Shepherd: Oh I forgot that you’ve a sensitive military officer. Let’s just get on with the violent massacre then.
Thorian: I’m a big green mother from outer space and I’m bad!
Shepherd: *uses salt grenades*
Thorian: *shrivels and dies*
Kaiden: Why didn’t you just shoot off the supporting branches?
Shepherd: It’s a plant, you think it just holds on to things? I have two words for you: ROOT SYSTEM.
Asari: You have saved me from being cloned into infinte J-Pop idols! I will give you a mystical vision to help you on your quest *waves hands around*
Shepherd: Thanks! *shoots her in the head* Now, I think we’ve killed nearly everything on this planet, so let’s go home and whine at the council.
*
Alpha Council: We have decided to ignore everything you’ve told us. Again.
Shepherd: God-damn it!
Human Abassador: I have decided to not support your cause because I am an angry stereotype.
Shepherd: God-damn it!
Abassador: Also, I am taking away the keys to your car.
Shepherd: GOD-DAMN IT!
Council: You are grounded, young lady.
Shepherd: I’m going to kill all you fucks.
*
Shepherd: *mopes*
Kaiden: Shepherd, is this a good time to talk about my feelings?
Shepherd: *glare*
Kaiden: Umm... okay. Would you like to talk about yours instead?
Shepherd: I’m currently going for quiet rage and desperation.
Kaiden: Exactly how desperate are you right now? *head jiggle*
Shepherd: Not that desperate, Lieutenant. *trips into Kaiden due to plot-induced clumsiness or because the military elite have weak ankles, whatever*
Kaiden: You... sure have a purty mouth... Shepherd. *suicidally leans in for smoochies*
Joker: HEY LISTEN! OMG GUYS, OMG!
Shepherd: Great timing, Joker. I’m giving you a raise.
Kaiden: Damn it! Cockblocked by a comic relief character! I’m gonna use Warp on his pelvis.
*
Joker: Captain Anderson wants to talk to you, I think he’s going to do something suicidally stupid so we can save the day!
Anderson: Okay, I’m going to hack the security systems so you can steal the Normandy.
Shepherd: Yay!
Joker: *recreates a scene from Jaynetown only without the chinese swearing because linguistics are hard*
Shepherd: *turns into a space hooker, at least for the next scene*
*
Kaiden: So, um... Commander?
Shepherd: What are you doing in my quarters in the middle of the night?
Kaiden: Uh, I wanted to say that I don’t want you to die.
Shepherd: Why’s that?
Kaiden: I’ve really enjoyed serving under you. *head jiggle*
Shepherd: That is a really bad come-on line. Why are you so persistent anyway? I’ve been nothing but obnoxious to you.
Kaiden: It’s very cold in space, Ma’am... and Ashley’s dead... and aliens aint mah thang.
Shepherd: Is it twue what they say about how you biotics are... gifted?
Kaiden: *blushes* Yes.
Shepherd: Would you... show me?
Kaiden: Of course, Commander. *strips*
Shepherd: Oh it’s twue! It’s twue, it’s twue!
Kaiden: I worked very hard to achieve it.
Shepherd: That was the best Ass Effect I’ve ever had.
Kaiden: Would you care for Space sex now?
Shepherd: Well Wrex has a headache, so why not? *smooch*
Kaiden: Look Commander,I have nipples!
Shepherd: I don’t!
Kaiden: Nice thighs and side-boob though. *rolls on top*
Shepherd: I’m a barbie girl, in a barbie world!
Kaiden: It’s fantastic!
Shepherd: Yes, but was it really worth an adult rating? *smokes cigar*
*
Shepherd arrives on Ilos, your standard overgrown ancient ruin full of killer robots. The shore party shoot at everything and eventually find an ancient VI interface.
VI: *fanfare*
Shepherd: Must be Protheian, it’s windows 98 again.
VI: You! Have! Mail! Sender - : saren2060@sexiturrian.cit Subject- Citadel. Message - : H1 guz3 1 h4v3 us3d t3h c0ndu1t t0 g0 t0 t3h c1t4d3l! U l0z3 L0L!
Kaiden: I can’t understand this!
Shepherd: That big glowy thing is the missing conduit, it’s a back-door into the citadel.
Kaiden: It’s a TRAP!
Shepherd: The Sovereign's going to kill everything in the station, damn it! I’m not going to let that happen. If anyone’s going to kill everything, it’ll be me!
VI: It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!
Shepherd: A maguffin to save the day, oh goodie!
Kaiden: Pedal to the metal, Commander! *drives into the conduit*
To be concluded...