Mass Effect: The Abridged Version
I was going to review it, but that would mean I had to take it seriously. So I decided I would rather mock it in all of its spectacular mediocrity (I don't even hate the game, there's a lot of ideas I like, what sucks is the execution and complete lack of depth, neither of which has any excuse in a game that took four years to make.)
My Shepherd is a huge jerk and has a vagina (or possibly the other way around), she also swears. Do I even need to mention spoiler warnings?
Aboard the Normandy, somewhere in a generic spiral arm galaxy.
Commander Shepherd: Hi, I am a badass space marine with a tragic past. My entire family was murdered by a cliché and it’s haunted me ever since. I’m also the main character, pity anyone who meets me.
Joker: Hi, I am an excellent pilot with a quirky sense of humour who has worked with Joss Whedon in the past.
Shepherd: This sounds oddly familiar...
Joker: Also, my bones are made of green jello.
Shepherd: So what? I was born without a heart. *Caresses pistol lovingly*
Nihlus: Hello, I am a kind of interesting to look at alien. Check out my corset piercing: I am EXTREME!
Shepherd: You look visually appealing and seem to be some kind of mentor character. You're going to die before we get out of the tutorial, aren't you?
Nihlus: Of course, this is a Bioware game. It was either die or be revealed to be the Real Big Bad In The End. Or to be your brother. Or all three.
Shepherd: Care for Space Sex, Nihlus? It might be your last chance.
Nihlus: I'm tempted, but my pelvis is fragile and made from green jello.
Joker: I hate that freaky guy. Those weird silly aliens are nothing like us human people. *plays with dinosaur toy*
*
Kaiden: Hi, I am a potential love interest. *head jiggle*
Shepherd: So what do you do other than trigger LoveTalks after every main objective?
Kaiden: I'm a biotic: I use mental kungu fu to shoot blue goo at red triangles.
Shepherd: That sounds dangerous, any side effects to this, Lieutenant?
Kaiden: Well lots of them are mentally unstable, prone to psychotic episodes and generally bugfuck insane.
Shepherd: ...
Kaiden: But I just get migraines sometimes, and they go away if I lie down.
Shepherd: That's a relief, for a second I was worried you might have some kind of character conflict and story arc. I want no back story or plot tension on my ship. Dismissed.
Kaiden: *takes painkillers*
*
Captain Anderson: This is my ship, Commander! Mine, mine!
Shepherd: Oh please, how long do you think that's going to last? It’s shiny and superfast and I’m a main character.
Anderson: *sulk* Here's a mission, bitch. We weren't going into classified space to deliver intergalactic popcorn like we told you. We want to test you to see if you're good enough to join the Aliens' Super Alpha Frat House.
Shepherd: Do I get a light sabre this time?
Anderson: No, just a license to behave like a psychotic brat without legal, moral or financial consequences.
Shepherd: Oh a Mary-Sue license? I’ll try to impress the Alien Alpha Council by killing everything I see and being as obnoxious as possible.
Anderson: I could have been a contender...
*
One shiny cut scene/loading screen later, the crew touches down on Eden Prime
Kaiden: We can't stop here, this is Cylon Geth country!
Generic Squad Member: Oh shit, I wore my red shirt!
Kaiden: Noooooo, Generic Squad Memberrrr!
Shepherd: There's no time to bury generics: This! Is! WAR!
Bioware: *gives evil points*
Shepherd: Who are you to judge me?
Ashley: Please please help me, I have form-fitting armour and bee-stung lips!
Kaiden: I'm picking up a potential love interest on the scanner.
Ashley: But I don't like girls! Even though I look slightly like Angelina Jolie! Also, aliens smell!
Shepherd & Ashley: *headbutt*
Kaiden: *takes painkillers*
*
Nihlis: Oh hello Saren, didn't expect to see you here.
Saren: I just came to ask you for Space Sex. Again.
Nihlis: I told you I wanted to see other people. Less crazy stalkery ones.
Saren: *shoots Nihlis in the crotch*
*
Ashley: Oh dead alien, ew! It's oozing green jello from its crotch!
Kaiden: Damn it! Who could have predicted that sending a mentor character alone into a war zone filled with psycho robots and undead androids could have gone so wrong?
Shepherd: It's out of our hands, soldier. He died like the way he was written: Quick and messily.
Ashley: Is that a... corset piercing? Freak!
*
Shepherd saves the planet from total destruction even though there were about three people left alive and most of them were weapon smugglers or had “accidentally” been kicked in the head by a badass marine commander and relieved of their belongings.
*
Kaiden: Look a mysterious glowing thingie that I know nothing about! *poke*
Shepherd: Hey! Don't do that! I'm the main character, it's my job to poke dangerous plot devices and receive life-changing visions! *shove*
Ashley: He can't help it, he has wire for brains.
Shepherd: *floaty messianic vision* My god, it's full of bul- *faints*
*
Saren: Someone else used the beacon? That was supposed to be my plot device, damn it! *trashes bedroom in violent but pubescent anger*
Matriach: I’m sensing hostility. *flashes boobs*
Saren: Mommy!
*
Meanwhile, the crew of the Normandy enjoy a well-earned reprieve until...
Shepherd: Oh no... I’m in the med bay.
Kaiden: Is the commander going to be okay?
Dr. Chakwas: Damn it Kaiden, I’m a doctor! How would you expect me to know?
Shepherd: I’m totally fine, guys. It was only a plot device.
Kaiden: Oh I was so worried, Commander! *head jiggle*
Shepherd: Go bend a spoon.
Ashley & Shepherd *headbutt*
Captain Anderson: You totally fucked up, Shepherd. Hand over your badge, you’re off the force.
Shepherd: Nu-uh, chief. The no-nosed alien did it! I have a reliable eyewitness, who is a career criminal and only slightly concussed after being beaten and robbed of his money by a space marine.
Anderson: Great Scott, Shepherd! Let’s drop everything right now! Warp factor nine and star burst through the wormhole to Babylon 5!
Joker: You mean use the technobable engine to slingshot us through the high tech Maguffin artifact to takes us to the Overly Cliche Titled Space Station?
Shepherd: Damn it, men! Do you want us to get sued?
To be continued...
My Shepherd is a huge jerk and has a vagina (or possibly the other way around), she also swears. Do I even need to mention spoiler warnings?
Aboard the Normandy, somewhere in a generic spiral arm galaxy.
Commander Shepherd: Hi, I am a badass space marine with a tragic past. My entire family was murdered by a cliché and it’s haunted me ever since. I’m also the main character, pity anyone who meets me.
Joker: Hi, I am an excellent pilot with a quirky sense of humour who has worked with Joss Whedon in the past.
Shepherd: This sounds oddly familiar...
Joker: Also, my bones are made of green jello.
Shepherd: So what? I was born without a heart. *Caresses pistol lovingly*
Nihlus: Hello, I am a kind of interesting to look at alien. Check out my corset piercing: I am EXTREME!
Shepherd: You look visually appealing and seem to be some kind of mentor character. You're going to die before we get out of the tutorial, aren't you?
Nihlus: Of course, this is a Bioware game. It was either die or be revealed to be the Real Big Bad In The End. Or to be your brother. Or all three.
Shepherd: Care for Space Sex, Nihlus? It might be your last chance.
Nihlus: I'm tempted, but my pelvis is fragile and made from green jello.
Joker: I hate that freaky guy. Those weird silly aliens are nothing like us human people. *plays with dinosaur toy*
*
Kaiden: Hi, I am a potential love interest. *head jiggle*
Shepherd: So what do you do other than trigger LoveTalks after every main objective?
Kaiden: I'm a biotic: I use mental kungu fu to shoot blue goo at red triangles.
Shepherd: That sounds dangerous, any side effects to this, Lieutenant?
Kaiden: Well lots of them are mentally unstable, prone to psychotic episodes and generally bugfuck insane.
Shepherd: ...
Kaiden: But I just get migraines sometimes, and they go away if I lie down.
Shepherd: That's a relief, for a second I was worried you might have some kind of character conflict and story arc. I want no back story or plot tension on my ship. Dismissed.
Kaiden: *takes painkillers*
*
Captain Anderson: This is my ship, Commander! Mine, mine!
Shepherd: Oh please, how long do you think that's going to last? It’s shiny and superfast and I’m a main character.
Anderson: *sulk* Here's a mission, bitch. We weren't going into classified space to deliver intergalactic popcorn like we told you. We want to test you to see if you're good enough to join the Aliens' Super Alpha Frat House.
Shepherd: Do I get a light sabre this time?
Anderson: No, just a license to behave like a psychotic brat without legal, moral or financial consequences.
Shepherd: Oh a Mary-Sue license? I’ll try to impress the Alien Alpha Council by killing everything I see and being as obnoxious as possible.
Anderson: I could have been a contender...
*
One shiny cut scene/loading screen later, the crew touches down on Eden Prime
Kaiden: We can't stop here, this is Cylon Geth country!
Generic Squad Member: Oh shit, I wore my red shirt!
Kaiden: Noooooo, Generic Squad Memberrrr!
Shepherd: There's no time to bury generics: This! Is! WAR!
Bioware: *gives evil points*
Shepherd: Who are you to judge me?
Ashley: Please please help me, I have form-fitting armour and bee-stung lips!
Kaiden: I'm picking up a potential love interest on the scanner.
Ashley: But I don't like girls! Even though I look slightly like Angelina Jolie! Also, aliens smell!
Shepherd & Ashley: *headbutt*
Kaiden: *takes painkillers*
*
Nihlis: Oh hello Saren, didn't expect to see you here.
Saren: I just came to ask you for Space Sex. Again.
Nihlis: I told you I wanted to see other people. Less crazy stalkery ones.
Saren: *shoots Nihlis in the crotch*
*
Ashley: Oh dead alien, ew! It's oozing green jello from its crotch!
Kaiden: Damn it! Who could have predicted that sending a mentor character alone into a war zone filled with psycho robots and undead androids could have gone so wrong?
Shepherd: It's out of our hands, soldier. He died like the way he was written: Quick and messily.
Ashley: Is that a... corset piercing? Freak!
*
Shepherd saves the planet from total destruction even though there were about three people left alive and most of them were weapon smugglers or had “accidentally” been kicked in the head by a badass marine commander and relieved of their belongings.
*
Kaiden: Look a mysterious glowing thingie that I know nothing about! *poke*
Shepherd: Hey! Don't do that! I'm the main character, it's my job to poke dangerous plot devices and receive life-changing visions! *shove*
Ashley: He can't help it, he has wire for brains.
Shepherd: *floaty messianic vision* My god, it's full of bul- *faints*
*
Saren: Someone else used the beacon? That was supposed to be my plot device, damn it! *trashes bedroom in violent but pubescent anger*
Matriach: I’m sensing hostility. *flashes boobs*
Saren: Mommy!
*
Meanwhile, the crew of the Normandy enjoy a well-earned reprieve until...
Shepherd: Oh no... I’m in the med bay.
Kaiden: Is the commander going to be okay?
Dr. Chakwas: Damn it Kaiden, I’m a doctor! How would you expect me to know?
Shepherd: I’m totally fine, guys. It was only a plot device.
Kaiden: Oh I was so worried, Commander! *head jiggle*
Shepherd: Go bend a spoon.
Ashley & Shepherd *headbutt*
Captain Anderson: You totally fucked up, Shepherd. Hand over your badge, you’re off the force.
Shepherd: Nu-uh, chief. The no-nosed alien did it! I have a reliable eyewitness, who is a career criminal and only slightly concussed after being beaten and robbed of his money by a space marine.
Anderson: Great Scott, Shepherd! Let’s drop everything right now! Warp factor nine and star burst through the wormhole to Babylon 5!
Joker: You mean use the technobable engine to slingshot us through the high tech Maguffin artifact to takes us to the Overly Cliche Titled Space Station?
Shepherd: Damn it, men! Do you want us to get sued?
To be continued...