(no subject)
My grandma's funeral was today. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I still haven't totally accepted it.
About the service, I'm really not a Christian, even a little bit. Sometimes it's hard to pretend, but my grandmother was just about the only person on the planet I would pretend for. I'm actually usually pretty enraged by extreme Christianity, but my Gram was about the closest thing to the Perfect Christian. She practiced what she believed in (the good things the Bible tells you to do) without forcing it, even indirectly, on us. She has literally never said anything bad about anyone, ever. It's amazing. I would never have even known she was a Christian, except that the rest of my family told me.
We went and saw her house, what the new owners are doing to it. They're doing a nice job but I totally hate it, and I sort of hate them... I don't, I just hate it all. It's terrible. It's not her house anymore. They tore down all the walls, sealed off doors...
Also, my sister is insane and I can't be around her for more than a couple hours without feeling like choking people.
Also, I want to totally clean out my house, like throw everything away and start over... that's not even a little bit reasonable, I just really feel like on the edge of a total breakdown, like I need to start over as close to 100% as possible.
Also, just now, like an entire wedding party just got in a fistfight downstairs and the cops showed up.
I like to say also a lot.
I think my life sort of is falling apart sometimes, when I look at it. When I look at myself. I'm also in love with someone who is incapable (or unwilling, I haven't decided) of loving me back. What's wrong with me? But then I remember that I'm incapable of loving anyone, too... at least I'm incapable of maintaining a relationship. Or at least I feel incapable of truly loving. I don't even know. I'll love this kid to death, and then he'll say "I don't care" (about whether I'm there or not, if we spend time together, if I call him, etc.) and it's like... what am I doing? If you really don't care, why am I here? Why do I bother? And I can't find an answer. Something within my own failings, I'm sure. Daddy didn't love me enough or something.
Oh well. I'll probably go home tomorrow, wait for him to call me, get upset when he doesn't, and manically (maniacally?) clean my house. And by clean I mean destroy. They're synonyms in my case, usually.
About the service, I'm really not a Christian, even a little bit. Sometimes it's hard to pretend, but my grandmother was just about the only person on the planet I would pretend for. I'm actually usually pretty enraged by extreme Christianity, but my Gram was about the closest thing to the Perfect Christian. She practiced what she believed in (the good things the Bible tells you to do) without forcing it, even indirectly, on us. She has literally never said anything bad about anyone, ever. It's amazing. I would never have even known she was a Christian, except that the rest of my family told me.
We went and saw her house, what the new owners are doing to it. They're doing a nice job but I totally hate it, and I sort of hate them... I don't, I just hate it all. It's terrible. It's not her house anymore. They tore down all the walls, sealed off doors...
Also, my sister is insane and I can't be around her for more than a couple hours without feeling like choking people.
Also, I want to totally clean out my house, like throw everything away and start over... that's not even a little bit reasonable, I just really feel like on the edge of a total breakdown, like I need to start over as close to 100% as possible.
Also, just now, like an entire wedding party just got in a fistfight downstairs and the cops showed up.
I like to say also a lot.
I think my life sort of is falling apart sometimes, when I look at it. When I look at myself. I'm also in love with someone who is incapable (or unwilling, I haven't decided) of loving me back. What's wrong with me? But then I remember that I'm incapable of loving anyone, too... at least I'm incapable of maintaining a relationship. Or at least I feel incapable of truly loving. I don't even know. I'll love this kid to death, and then he'll say "I don't care" (about whether I'm there or not, if we spend time together, if I call him, etc.) and it's like... what am I doing? If you really don't care, why am I here? Why do I bother? And I can't find an answer. Something within my own failings, I'm sure. Daddy didn't love me enough or something.
Oh well. I'll probably go home tomorrow, wait for him to call me, get upset when he doesn't, and manically (maniacally?) clean my house. And by clean I mean destroy. They're synonyms in my case, usually.