"But don't say I shouldn't worry ‘til the morning ‘cause I’m worrying now..."
I find it funny that you just don't get it...after all this time, you just don't get it.
You're human; you muff up; we ALL do.
I never expected you to be a saint...no one's perfect.
But it seems like no matter how many times I tell you that it's okay to screw up, as long as you apologize...try to make up for it by dropping me a line every now and then...as long as you own up to your mistakes when it comes to me, then we'll be fine, and I'll always forgive you.
Instead, you continue carrying on the way you do, "business as usual," while I sit here and cry over having been a fucking moron and having given you a second chance...a third chance...a MILLIONTH chance, because you were my best friend.
You've made a complete fool of me my love...and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that I never let you do it again...because there will be no more "again's."
My love has turned to hate, and hate to love so many times I feel like I can't separate the two when it comes to you.
My faith has turned to doubt and back again more times than I care to count, and somewhere along the way, I lost my faith in you...and it breaks my heart.
You were my best friend...and now, you're just the specter of my idealized memory.
I don't consider myself as having given up on you...I somehow know that you really do want to be that man you're trying to become...I just think that you're "dancing on the razor's edge" of what you WANT to be, and what you think OTHERS want you to be.
Somehow, I know that we're always going to be in each other's lives, in one way or another; perhaps you really will be the "uncle" to my future children that you always told Jon and I that you want to be...that you'll be there for me when I call, that you'll lean on me when you need to like you've said in the past you want to do, but you're too scared to...that you'll treat me "better than I have, because you're my best friend J, and I need to do better."
Show me, sweetheart. Don't pop up every few months and tell me how sorry you are and how much our friendship means to you, and make a bunch of promises, only to disappear again...only to NOT be there.
I just don't have it in me anymore to believe you...to hope that this time will be different.
I've alway told you that I'd be there for you, in good and bad times, through girl friends who treat you like crap, through girls in general that string you along, through fights with your parents, through countless auditions, table readings...and all the good, bad and indifferent in between. And I still will--I don't break my promises.
However, rakas, I have finally accepted that YOU will not always be there for ME...and if I'm going to be able to move past all this hurt, then I need to come to terms with the fact that you are a bastard.
And yet, I still love you...maybe that's what they mean by unconditional love.
The memories that we've shared in the five years that we've been best friends will be ones that I will eventually cherish...
...but for now, they're nothing but bittersweet.
******
And now, for something completely unrelated to the above diatribe, today, I dyed my hair myself and didn't fuck it up! :-)
How's THAT for a change!
(In more ways than one.)
You're human; you muff up; we ALL do.
I never expected you to be a saint...no one's perfect.
But it seems like no matter how many times I tell you that it's okay to screw up, as long as you apologize...try to make up for it by dropping me a line every now and then...as long as you own up to your mistakes when it comes to me, then we'll be fine, and I'll always forgive you.
Instead, you continue carrying on the way you do, "business as usual," while I sit here and cry over having been a fucking moron and having given you a second chance...a third chance...a MILLIONTH chance, because you were my best friend.
You've made a complete fool of me my love...and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that I never let you do it again...because there will be no more "again's."
My love has turned to hate, and hate to love so many times I feel like I can't separate the two when it comes to you.
My faith has turned to doubt and back again more times than I care to count, and somewhere along the way, I lost my faith in you...and it breaks my heart.
You were my best friend...and now, you're just the specter of my idealized memory.
I don't consider myself as having given up on you...I somehow know that you really do want to be that man you're trying to become...I just think that you're "dancing on the razor's edge" of what you WANT to be, and what you think OTHERS want you to be.
Somehow, I know that we're always going to be in each other's lives, in one way or another; perhaps you really will be the "uncle" to my future children that you always told Jon and I that you want to be...that you'll be there for me when I call, that you'll lean on me when you need to like you've said in the past you want to do, but you're too scared to...that you'll treat me "better than I have, because you're my best friend J, and I need to do better."
Show me, sweetheart. Don't pop up every few months and tell me how sorry you are and how much our friendship means to you, and make a bunch of promises, only to disappear again...only to NOT be there.
I just don't have it in me anymore to believe you...to hope that this time will be different.
I've alway told you that I'd be there for you, in good and bad times, through girl friends who treat you like crap, through girls in general that string you along, through fights with your parents, through countless auditions, table readings...and all the good, bad and indifferent in between. And I still will--I don't break my promises.
However, rakas, I have finally accepted that YOU will not always be there for ME...and if I'm going to be able to move past all this hurt, then I need to come to terms with the fact that you are a bastard.
And yet, I still love you...maybe that's what they mean by unconditional love.
The memories that we've shared in the five years that we've been best friends will be ones that I will eventually cherish...
...but for now, they're nothing but bittersweet.
******
And now, for something completely unrelated to the above diatribe, today, I dyed my hair myself and didn't fuck it up! :-)
How's THAT for a change!
(In more ways than one.)