Boston Massacred by Mooninite Attack!
In an unprecedented move, the hostile race of aliens known as Mooninites invaded the United States in a multi-pronged assault upon several major American cities. Despite the advanced technology possessed by the Mooninites, their blitz remains largely unsuccessful. However, in what is tragically becoming known as the 'new Boston Massacre', the city of Boston was largely destroyed due to the actions of their ineffectual police force.
When asked why they were attacking the east coast, the Mooninite known as "Ignignokt" replied, "Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch slap! Did you hear what I said, Boston?" [raising both middle fingers to the camera] "Or shall I turn it up for you?"
Unlike other major metropolitan cities, the police of Boston were unable to move out of the way of the Mooninites hi-tech beam weapons, which when fired, create large, two-dimensional, pixilated squares that travel at rather slow speeds.
When asked why the police force suffered such heavy casualties at the hands of such a weapon, the Chief of Police explained that Boston municipal police force and bomb squad training does not cover basic geometry or common sense, and his men were incapable of understanding how to avoid the attacks by simply stepping out of the way. The disaster might still have been averted, but by some fluke, no member of the Boston police force had ever played Galaga during the 80s.
It has been reported by other news agencies that, "the Boston bomb squad began screaming in untrammeled fear at the raised finger of a cartoon alien."
Governor Patrick, who appears to have been brain-wiped by some sort of hypnotism, has only responded nonsensically to the news of Boston's destruction. In his latest press announcement he has tried to place the blame for the alien invasion on the cable television industry and Adult Swim, as well as something he refers to as a giant "rabbot".
When asked about the governor's allegations, the Mooninites responded by "flipping him the bird" and firing a "Quad Laser" in the direction of his mansion. Although the beam attack has not yet arrived, the results and loss of life are predicted to be catastrophic.
footage from the Mooninite attack