(no subject)
As I get older, I find myself with conflicts that I don't always know how to solve. Different situations that "real life" throw at me that nothing, at all, can prep me for. Sure school does its best to prepare you for a career and to put you above the rest. But can someone tell me how life prepares you for the painful, horrible experience we call "love" ?
Three "boys" I've had in my life have, all togther, ripped out every peice of me that had some semblance of love. This is my first entry about how I want to let it out...I want to tell you exactly what you did to me..and I hope you like to read this, because I'm going to be brutally honest with each one of you...
Chad: You were the first guy that I actually loved. Now that I look at it I really shouldn't've because you're a lying, cheating sonofabitch. Not only did u sucessfully convince me that you loved me too, but you cheated on me the entire time we were together, and once it finally hit you that I wasnt going to have sex with you, you dropped me. Plain as that...you didn't have a problem with it, and I don't even think it occurred to you that you were metaphorically killing the inside of another human being. It killed me that summer that you took my heart and my friends. Lucky for me, they're still my friends, but you're still an asshole. Always will be. You could've had me...I would've been the best thing to ever enter your world, not because I was "pure" or "untouched" no. but, because I loved you...I cared for you and I loved your family. I hate myself for being that blind and for thinking that things between you and I were real. I should've believed what they told me....but I thought I'd give it a chance...Fuck you. I want to completely forget about you and all the pain you've caused me..because it's still here. As much as I want to pretend it's gone...it's not. You are the reason I get nervous when I travel out in that direction, and you are the reason that I can't feel for anybody the way I once felt for you
Jordan: Where we ever on the same page? Were you just thinking that I was kissing you and calling you because I wanted to be your FRIEND? Do I have "stupid girl" tattooed on my forehead? I realize now, that from the beginning you were never on the same page as me. I dont know what clicked inside my head at the all night party...something, but it was a bad something. You pretty much ripped open the same wound that the asshole above cut first, except quicker. I guess part of me wants to thank you for doing it quickly, and not waiting until I was waaay over my head. Although I think I was already. I don't feel the same way about you as I do about all the other...guys. I wouldn't call you an ex-boyfriend, because we were never really together, and assuming that was my fault. You and I don't have much in common...we hang with the same group of friends and we went to the same school, but that's it. I want to stop being so confused and being out of touch when it comes to you. When people ask me what happened with Jordan, I simply state that I don't know. because I don't. I have no idea what actually happened, and the next thing I know you've got a new woman and things are great with her....good for you two. Really, I'm not saying this to be "nice" or because it's the "better" thing to do...but because I mean it. I'm glad to see that you two are happy together...it's great that two of my friends are happy. I love it...I really do
Dave: People still wonder what the hell I was thinking....honestly, so do I. Why would someone like me with the backround and upbringing I have CHOOSE to be with a guy like you? A non-chiristian, cheating, father, who doesnt really give a damn about anything. You were the easiest to let go. I knew it wasn't going to last from the get go. You and I were just so different. I guess I hoped that you could show me something that no one else had. You sure did.....I still hate you for everything that happened between you and baby, but the more I live, the more I learn to forget things that I regret because all it's going to do is hold me down. You did teach me one thing though....watch out.
I hate love.....I don't want love. Not right now anways. Sure there are times when I see other couples all around and I miss that. I miss the attention and the lovey-dovey stuff that happens for the first part of the relationship. But at the same time...I don't. I dont want the constant phone calls and the feeling of obligation to another person. I have been hurt....and I am not over it. Yes I am well aware that it was indeed almost 4 years ago....but let me hand you every ounce of pain I went through that summer and every little part of my being I put into wanting to make one of these relationships work and you tell me that you'd be okay and that you could possibly function day-to-day without thinking of any of them. I know it's pitiful and it's putting the attention on me and that some of you will say that "krista always wants attention" well fuck you guys....seriously. If you can't see how brutally real I am being right now than I don't want you around.
I said everything I've been holding inside for..mostly 4 years or more.
Doesn't feel to good......
I feel like shit