(no subject)
Here I sit, watching the movie "Kicking and Screaming" (the 1995 movie, not that crap that came out recently) which is a movie about how a bunch of recent college grads are coping with life after graduation. One of the characters goes into this long spiel about how goign to Prague will be the best decision of his young adult life, and how he can't NOT go, and blah blah. And BAM! it brought all of my hopes and dreams for New Zealand rushing back. Did I make the worst mistake of my young adult life by not going when I had the chance? Probably. How did I get where I am today, and why am I here when this was never, ever a dream I had? Where did I go wrong? What made me wake up one random day amd say "Hey, I want to go into publishing" when I sent years wanting to become a Hall Director and/or move to New Zealand? My mom tells me that she's finds it so impressive that I can just wake up one day and have an idea and just follow through with it (like I did with running). But it seems like that's not a good thing. Instead of following some stupid, brash decision, I should have followed the dream I had for so many years. Now I'm stuck in a life I don't love- a life that I feel controls me. I feel like I pretend to be happy just to get through each day. Now I have to work my ass off to undo all of this. I've been out of higher ed for a year now, so why should anyone want to hire me back into it? I screwed up big time. I'm not going to say I wasted time because I did learn a lot along the way, even if it was the wrong way. It's just now I'm going to have to work so much harder to get where I actually want to be. Hard work is a good thing, I know, and I should be proud of everything I have achieved since I graduated. But I need to get to where I want to be, and I need to get there soon because I refuse to continue living a miserable life.