learning to love me more
(photo i love by meghan)
this weekend was great. filled with fun, friiiiiendship, a movie (assassination of jesse james - a bit too long but BEAUTIFUL cinematography and great acting), time with mom, etc. plus the weather was perfect! no rain, snow or cold to speak of. just nice and warmish with clear blue skies. about time.
i've been ravenous for reading lately, but am currently stalled. working on wicked, yet can't seem to get through it no matter how hard i try. page 113? i've been picking it up in between other books but it's just not cutting it for me. good recent reads include captivating (great for all women struggling with issues of self-worth) and no one belongs here more than you (fantastic! read in two days! couldn't put it down!). about to read eat pray love based on various recommendations. any other suggestions for me?
got hit on by some sk8r dude in L5P this weekend. HELL YEAH! haha. he hollered at me as i walked by some store he was kickin' it in front of, clearly waiting for some unsuspecting honey to return his advances. he ended up being at estoria that night and approached me to ask where i was going after that. when i said home, he grabbed my waist and whispered "you should come home with me." how delicate. i walked off and said "UGH, GET OFF ME! AS IF!" feeling the chunks rise in my throat. ok, not really. but that sounds a lot better than "uh, don't think so..." what is wrong with these dudes? ladies like to be chased, yes, but not run over. besides, asking a girl you don't know AT ALL to come home with you is so sleazy. even if he had been cute, his approach reeked worse than his designer imposter cologne. get a clue, brah!
a highlight of the night came around closing time, when one of the bartenders turned on the spotlight that forces stragglers the hell out and it shone right upon me, only moments after mcroblet appropriated a sparkly top hat from who knows where. A STAR IS BORN!
in the past few weeks i've had a lot of personal breakthroughs that have made "dealing" with life not just easier, but more enjoyable. in fact, i'd go so far as to say that i have not been dealing at all; i have actually been living for the first time in a long time. finally realized i didn't have to party all the time to remain "engaged." in fact, realized that partying all the time was probably serving to do the exact opposite.
have learned a lot of valuable lessons in the past year, discovered what things truly matter, what things don't, and, yes, who i am deep down in m'insides. it's an ongoing process, but the things i've uncovered about myself in the past few months have been astounding and wonderful. surprisingly enough, i find myself far less bitter and angry about life in general than i ever was before. i am far more understanding of human fault and frailty. having unrealistic dreams shattered kind of forces you to go one of two ways: off the deep end, into deep anguish and permanent resentment, or towards hope and strength. i consider myself a part of the latter camp. i am more optimistic about the future than ever. perhaps stupidly optimistic. bright-eyed and bushy-tailed even? i am encouraged and excited by all the possibilities that lay before me; the sundry directions my life could take. i am no longer paralyzed by fear of the unknown. i've visited the unknown, and yeah it's been a little strange and sometimes disappointing, but it's also been exciting. knots in my stomach and awkward silences have replaced complacency, and i can't say i'm any worse for that.
i still have my moments. there are days where i'd rather check out completely. but for the most part, i've found peace. i'm not in a hurry anymore. it's the journey, not the destination, right? i enjoy my little life and my little house and my little dog and my wonderful friends, people who continue to surprise me all the time. i'd like more, and i'm not going to stop pursuing what makes me happy. but i've stopped striving and clawing and controlling. i feel free. i had a job interview recently and though i didn't take the position (the awesome girl who interviewed me, a friend of a friend, said i was too creative to get stuck in such a dull position and need to hold out for the writing/editing job coming up), it was all the encouragement i needed to get on the ball.
i don't feel embarrassed or guilty for not having it all figured out anymore. because really, i never did have it all figured out.