TRANSCRIPT: S01E04 - The Manicoid Teleportation Conundrum
TITLE:
The Manicoid Teleportation Conundrum
NUMBER:
S01E04
ORIGINAL BROADCAST:
July 7, 2008
WRITTEN BY:
Tracey Stern
DIRECTED BY:
Jeremiah Chechik
DESCRIPTION:
The Middleman and Wendy are called to look into the strange disappearance of a rich socialite during a fateful shopping trip. Meanwhile, Wendy is upset to find out that Ben has posted their break-up video online and tries to avoid Lacey, who is channeling her inner therapist.
The illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist. 7:45 PM
LACEY: Wow, Dub-Dub. That's...
WENDY: A painting of a gun-toting, genetically enhanced, super-genius gangster gorilla. Tomorrow I'm starting on a new one. I already have a sketch and a layout and everything. It's a succubus fashion model. Which is just like a regular fashion model, except with pointy teeth and red eyes and a thirst for the innocence of young men.
LACEY: Well, you're in such a good mood. And you're being so productive.
WENDY: Yeah, well, my days of painter's block are way behind me. I actually have a job I'm excited about.
LACEY: You're excited about working for a temp agency?
WENDY: Yeah, well, it's a special temp agency. And I'm painting like a fiend.
LACEY: Maybe I should just come back later.
WENDY: Why?
LACEY: It's about Ben.
WENDY: Ugh. My poser ex-boyfriend? Did he, uh, call to apologize again?
LACEY: No.
WENDY: Sent more flowers?
LACEY: No.
WENDY: Another giant teddy bear with a note of apology? You know what, it doesn't matter because I'm keeping him on a leash until I give him the final brush off. It's gonna be epic.
LACEY: Ben put your breakup on the Internet.
WENDY: You know what, I could've just sworn you said, "Ben put your breakup on the Internet."
LACEY: That's cuz Ben put your breakup on the Internet. Maybe that's why he videotaped it in the first place.
WENDY: No, he said it was for a class project. Is that why you're holding the compu…
LACEY: No! No. No, this was just, uh…a…
BEN: I just think that you and I should, you know, be…just…friends.
WENDY: You’re breaking up with me for a class project?
BEN: How does that make you feel?
WENDY: We - we’ve been dating for a year. You said the L-word that one time.
BEN: I - I was drunk.
Does that - that hurts? Look, tell the camera.
WENDY: How could he?
LACEY: Look. I'm sure that's it's nothing. I'm sure that the bulk e-mail he sent out to promote his website -
WENDY: Bulk e-mail!? How many hits does this thing have already?
LACEY: Well, it just went live yesterday, so…
WENDY: 750,000 hits!? Since yesterday?!
LACEY: I'm sure that's just um, from linking it to a couple of social networking sites and a few of the better-known video sharing webpages and some of the more popular ex-girlfriend revenge video sites.
WENDY: Ex-girlfriend revenge video sites? Ugh.
LACEY: …you okay, Dub-Dub?
WENDY: Yeah. Great.
The illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist. The next morning.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Wake up, Dubbie. Wake up, Dubbie. Dubbie. This is a priority message; please acknowledge it. Dubbie.
WENDY: Ugh. Yeah?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Time to meet me at the rendezvous point. ASAP. Double ASAP!
WENDY: What time is it?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Time to meet me at the rendezvous point. Now, get out of bed.
WENDY: What rendezvous point?
THE MIDDLEMAN: That's it, one foot in front of another. Run! Your future as a Middleman hangs in the balance.
WENDY: It might help my future if you told me where I was going.
THE MIDDLEMAN: The rendezvous point, Dubbie. I'm counting on you.
WENDY: What rendezvous point?
Living Room
DR. GIL: Now, people undergoing an emotional crisis are prone to denial. We all do it - but it doesn't make it right.
LACEY: Hey, now! I was watching that!
WENDY: A - Where did you put my laptop? B - Why are you watching that pompous, self-help blowhard? And C - what are you doing up at 6:00 AM?
LACEY: A - Your laptop's right where you left it. B - That pompous, self-help blowhard's a totally perspicacious observer of human condition. And C - I'm having a de-Benification. Ben stomped all over your heart with cleats and you still have all his stuff lyin' around. Dr. Gil says that when someone goes through a breakup, it's best to cleanse the space of all the other person's things so you can experience all your grief in a single burst.
WENDY: Well, I have way too much self-respect to worship at the feet of daytime TV gods. Besides, I have to find the rendezvous point.
LACEY: I've been through four messy breakups with you since freshman year of art school and this is not the Wendy Watson I know and love.
WENDY: Well-adjusted and focused on work?
LACEY: Wallowing in denial! I know you, Dub-Dub. If you don't shout, shout, let it all out…this thing with Ben's gonna eat you up alive.
WENDY: Maybe if I assigned numerical values to each of the letters in the words 'rendezvous point' and run them through Google maps…
LACEY: You stayed in bed for four days after Tommy Tam dumped you, then spent the entire next week watching Italian zombie movies through all hours of the night…and you dated Tommy Tam half as long as you dated Ben.
WENDY: Tommy Tam did not dump me; I dumped Tommy Tam.
LACEY: Cervelli, cervelli! Devono mangiare cervelli!
WENDY: Brains, brains! Must eat brains.
LACEY: You know where I picked up that handy Italian zombie phrase?
WENDY: Look, I have to focus and find the rendezvous point.
LACEY: What rendezvous point?
WENDY: Where in Carmen San Diego is Kamchatka?
LACEY: In Russia, between the Pacific Ocean and the Sea of Okhotsk.
You're being evasive.
WENDY: And you're being a total drama vampire.
Look, forget about Ben, okay? He's gone! Forgotten! Relegated to the corner of my brain near oblivion. Which is exactly where my job is gonna end up if I don't find this rendezvous point.
LACEY: You know, there's a Rendezvous Point Diner out by Lyon Estates.
WENDY: No way it's that easy.
LACEY: Yeah, their tofu scramble is a poem.
Oh, don't wear that, that's Ben's sweater! That's gonna set ya back a month!
Rendezvous Point Diner. Twenty minutes later.
WENDY: "Meet me at the rendezvous point."
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's a valuable exercise in your mental flexibility. I'm gonna guess it took you five minutes to be waylaid by Lacey before you figured out the location of the rendezvous point and then fifteen minutes to get here from your loft.
WENDY: You timed me. What for?
THE MIDDLEMAN: For today! Consider it a pop quiz day. You'll be tested on logic, deduction, interpretation, general field knowledge, and most importantly -
WENDY: Hygiene?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Teamwork.
WENDY: Pop Quiz Day?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Darn tootin'.
WENDY: So…how'd I do?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Nice jammies.
An upscale shopping area in an upscale part of town. 9:05 AM
A desert
WOMAN: Oh my god. It's you! [screams]
Middleman HQ. 9:12 AM
WENDY: [On Phone] Yeah, work is going fine, Mother. And life? Well, that's just something we're gonna have to talk about another day. Yes, it has to do with Ben. No! We're still broken up. Well, it's just because - wait, you didn't see that video on the Internet, did you? No, no, no! There's no video - Ben and I are over. I'm well-adjusted and focused on work. That's who I am. I'm a motivated worker with a smile on my face. Hey, it's my boss; I gotta go. Please, do not go on YouTube today, okay? Or ever. Please. Okay.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Trouble at home?
WENDY: Nope! Everything's a-okay!
THE MIDDLEMAN: Trouble with your coffeehouse poser of an ex-boyfriend?
WENDY: So! Today is Pop Quiz Day, huh?
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's a grand tradition for Middlemen in training. Now, I know that you and I have been through hell and back together…
WENDY: I thought hell and the Underworld were two different things.
THE MIDDLEMAN: And it is specifically for that reason Pop Quiz Day is such a necessity. It's a training day.
WENDY: Training? I flew to Yucatán in the Middlejet.
THE MIDDLEMAN: And at the time you didn't even know we had a Middlejet. That's the problem. As a new recruit, you were thrust into action immediately without a chance to truly learn the infrastructure of the organization. Our recent adventures have driven it home to me that you could be the next Middleman.
WENDY: Shouldn't it be Middleperson or Middlewoman?
THE MIDDLEMAN: We did have a Middleboy once…
WENDY: Does that make me the Middlegirl?
THE MIDDLEMAN: You could be the next me at any given time. And that means you better know who we are and what we do from the inside out.
WENDY: Really? I mean, I think I have it pretty much down.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Then, uh, qop quiz! What is that door right there?
WENDY: Uh, that is the wooden sword armory thing.
THE MIDDLEMAN: That is the Middleman dojo, where Sensei Ping of the Clan of the Pointed Stick, the only man alive who knows the Wuhan Thumb of Death, will be training you to become a lethal man-killer!
WENDY: Lethal man killer? I like the sound of that.
THE MIDDLEMAN: This building has over ten levels, with hundreds of rooms, each dedicated to the different aspects of the fight against evil and injustice. And…pop quiz!
WENDY: Yeah, okay.
THE MIDDLEMAN: What is this device?
WENDY: Uh, it's…the…thingy you…point at things...with.
THE MIDDLEMAN: This is the BTRS scanner.
WENDY: And BTRS stands for…?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Beyond The Realm of Science. As in, "This machine scans for things that are -"
WENDY: Beyond the realm of science? Wow. Handy.
THE MIDDLEMAN: See? Pop Quiz Day has already yielded some rewards. And over here, we have…ah, yes, the changing room. The first room Middlemen see every day. This is where we keep our Middleclothes and other assorted Middlegear.
WENDY: Okay. I have a pop quiz. Does everything around here have a Middlename? Like my Middlewatch? My Middlekeys? My Middleboots?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Your Middlebelt, too.
WENDY: So who pays for all this stuff?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Good question. I don't know. I never see any bills. I'm just -
WENDY: The Middleman?
THE MIDDLEMAN: The Middleman.
WENDY: You think whoever springs for this stuff could've varied it a little. I mean, even GI Joe had a space suit.
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's not all about the wardrobe, Dubbie. Take a moment. Breathe it in. You know what that smell is?
WENDY: Dust?
THE MIDDLEMAN: History! This is the place where Middlemen and their Middle…associates through the ages have relaxed, let their guard down, and built esprit de corps using stories and discussing the death-defying events of their day.
WENDY: Are you kidding? You really expect that to happen here while we're dressing?
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's not just training for your physical abilities and your mind, it's - it's training for our partnership. Team building!
Here we have the interrogation room.
WENDY: I like it. It's got that CSI vibe.
THE MIDDLEMAN: This is where you're going to take your next test. This is the Interrodroid 3000, a training android designed to simulate interrogation situations. This particular 3K has been programmed to behave like a mad bomber who's placed a device in the city. Your assignment is to get him to confess the location.
WENDY: Aww, he's a cute li'l guy.
THE MIDDLEMAN: As of this moment, he's the most dangerous thing imaginable.
WENDY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fate of the world. I get it.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I will be monitoring your test using a live video feed. Good luck.
IDA: She plant weed on the suspect yet?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Shh. Test in progress.
IDA: We have a red ball. A rich lady disappeared into thin air in a posh shopping district. If you ask me, one less rich wench in the world might not be so tragic.
THE MIDDLEMAN: That 'rich wench' as you call her probably has a family who loves her.
IDA: So did Charlie Manson. Anyway, they want you investigating this yesterday. You gotta send the trainee home and get to work.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I don't need to send her home. Even in the face of an emotional breakup with a sexually ambiguous doorknob of a boyfriend, Wendy Watson found The Rendezvous Point. She's ready.
IDA: That zoot-sucking degenerate you hired for a sidekick is an emotional landmine. You don't watch your step, you're gonna wind up covered in gore.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Wendy Watson has already shown calm in the face of adversity. She's going to do great things.
WENDY: Bomb's at Twin Pines Mall.
IDA: Were you saying something?
WENDY: So did I ace it or did I ace it?
THE MIDDLEMAN: There's acing it and then there's what you did, kind of like shooting a cow with a howitzer.
WENDY: I would never shoot a cow.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Have you considered that maybe you took out some of your personal emotions on that poor little guy?
WENDY: That 'poor little guy' put a bomb in my city! Don't get on my case for Jack Bauering the thing.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You gave into blind rage and destroyed a valuable piece of training equipment. Violence is always the Middleman's last resort.
WENDY: What did you want? For me to wine him and dine him? You gave me an objective and I handled it.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You know, Dubbie, a certain amount of empathy is part of being a Middleman. If you have something you need to get off your chest -
WENDY: Hey! I've got a pop quiz for you. Don't you think the Middlemobile is a total gas guzzler?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I'll have you know the Middlemobile has its own on-board bio-diesel refinery. I feed it organic garbage, it runs clean for days.
WENDY: That may be the most interesting thing you've said all day.
An upscale shopping area in an upscale neighborhood. Nine minutes later.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Dr. Emmett Brown of the Hill Valley Institute. My associate and I are here to examine the strange phenomena that were reported here this morning.
POLICE OFFICER: Really? So what do you think made the lady disappear?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Either spontaneous human combustion or a pocket nuclear bomb. Either way I suggest you step back by approximately 659 meters in order to avoid lethal exposure.
POLICE OFFICER: Let's go!
WENDY: So…what do you think it was? Really?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Either spontaneous human combustion or a pocket nuclear weapon.
WENDY: So running 659 meters from here isn't such a bad idea.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Or maybe it was none of the above. There's a preponderance of hyper-mobility particles around this site. And that can only mean one thing.
WENDY: What?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Teleportation.
The Middlemobile. Powered by organic Bio-Diesel. 1:00 PM
IDA: Her name was Isabel Schon. Lived with her brother and sister in a swanky house over on Eastwood Ravine Drive.
THE MIDDLEMAN: The way I see it, it's going to take the cops at least two days to ID the body and that puts us on the cutting edge of this investigation.
IDA: I did all the work, credit hog.
WENDY: Why do people feel the need to do this to themselves? She was a total plastic surgery victim.
IDA: Just you wait, peach fuzz, until gravity get the best of you.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Isabel's headless body was teleported back to the exact same spot it was found. Why? Ida, run a search on the H.E.Y.D.A.R.
WENDY: What is the H.E.Y.D.A.R.?
THE MIDDLEMAN: The High Energy Yield Data Accumulation Resource. In technical terms, it's a global analysis and information gathering device, capable of performing both onboard evidence analysis as well universal intelligence searches across all data platforms.
WENDY: And in non-technical terms?
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's a big silver ball. It gives us answers to things.
IDA: I'm on it.
WENDY: So if Ida's searching on the H.E.Y.D.A.R., what are we gonna do?
THE MIDDLEMAN: We talk to the victim's family.
WENDY: Us? Isn't that a priest's job?
THE MIDDLEMAN: You just hang back and trust me on this one.
The late Isabel Schon's house. 1:10 PM
WENDY: Wow. Look at this place. I see how she could afford all that plastic surgery.
Definitely a relation.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I'm Chaplain Buford Tannen. This is my novice, Sister Clara Clayton. We're from Metro. May we have a word? Inside?
DEAN: The house is a mess.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Understood. We're sorry to have to tell you this but you're sister, Isabel, has passed on.
DEAN: What? She's - she's dead?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Yes. She was the victim of a terrible attack this morning.
DEAN: She's dead? Our Isabel. Oh, god, no. No. I'm sorry to break down like this in front of you, it's just - the most horrible thing ever. No.
DORIS: Dean? What's going on? I heard you crying from inside the house.
DEAN: Our Isabel has been taken from us, Doris.
DORIS: Oh, god, why? No. Why?
THE MIDDLEMAN: She was the victim of an unfortunate attack.
DORIS: No. Not another one.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Excuse me, ma'am, I have to ask: what did you mean by that? Not another one?
DEAN: She didn't mean anything. Please. Leave us right now. We need some time alone. As I say, leave us. Thank you.
Middleman HQ.
IDA: I did that search on the H.E.Y.D.A.R.
WENDY: The silver answer ball?
IDA: The one hardwired straight into my mechanical brain, peanut. There's been a cluster of similar crimes in the past six months. Several mysterious disappearances and in more than one case, the reappearance of the victim minus a head.
WENDY: Wait a minute, so you're telling me there's been some teleporting decapitator at work out there for a while and it hasn't made the news?
THE MIDDLEMAN: That's Middleman 101, Dubbie. Most of what's really going on in the world seldom makes the news. But I think Isabel Schon's family knows more about it than they're letting on. That's why they gave us the bum's rush.
IDA: Look at this. All of the victims share the same plastic surgeon.
WENDY: Is his name Dr. Frankenstein?
IDA: Dr. Roland Newleaf.
WENDY: Oh, this is totally open and shut!
THE MIDDLEMAN: You think he's behind this? Kind of a rash judgment on your training day, don't you think? Are you being objective or are you letting your negative feelings about well-coiffed men cloud your deductive reasoning?
WENDY: I think I'm stating the mega-obvious.
IDA: There's a couple of hippies in the reception area!
WENDY: Oh. Those are just my friends.
Middleman HQ - Lobby.
NOSER: Yo, Wendy Watson.
WENDY: What are you doing here?
NOSER: We're just innocently stopping by.
WENDY: Really?
NOSER: Mm, no. I'd rather be home workin' on my concept album.
LACEY: Noser can't express it but he's just as worried about you and your inevitable breakdown as I am.
NOSER: I am?
LACEY: We both think you are on the verge of a cathartic release of emotions. Me, because I know you better than anyone, and Noser, cuz he saw the video on the Internet.
WENDY: Guys. I work here. This is my workplace. Can you - can you please act appropriately?
LACEY: [Laughs] When did I ever do that?
WENDY: I'm trying to work here.
NOSER: I don't know how you can do that. This is one depressing place.
LACEY: Yep. Perfect for a collapse. Yep. It'll happen right here. I can feel. Brought you Dr. Gil's DVD to get you through.
NOSER: And Ben's PSP which I wouldn't mind havin' if you -
LACEY: What Noser's trying to express in his emotionally-stunted masculine way is that you could play it, if it would help, or you could put it under water -
WENDY: I don't want to drown Ben's PSP.
LACEY: It would be a way for you to drown Ben.
NOSER: Metaphorically speaking.
LACEY: Because if he did drown -
NOSER: Metaphorically speaking.
LACEY: - you would be sad. And it's okay to cry.
WENDY: Guys. I'm glad he's gone. Not dead. Gone. Why can't anyone believe that?
LACEY: We want you to know we're here for you when the dam bursts.
IDA: They're nudists, I tell ya. Just by lookin' at 'em.
LACEY: Whatever. Look, I got these flowers so let's just go to your cubicle or your office and put 'em in water. Where they'll probably die rapidly in this depressing environment.
WENDY: Cubicle?
LACEY: Yeah, don't you have a desk somewhere in here?
WENDY: Yeah! Sure! It's upstairs. But it's - but it's being cleaned.
LACEY: Your desk? All day?
WENDY: Yep. And all night, too.
LACEY: Hi.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Hello, Lacey. Hello, Mr. Noser.
NOSER: Yo, Wendy's boss.
THE MIDDLEMAN: These are beautiful flowers. I will personally place them in a vase with a nutrient solution that will keep them alive. But right now, there is a temp-employment-related emergency that requires Wendy's attention.
WENDY: Yeah. Exactly.
Middleman HQ.
WENDY: Good Lord, I don't know what's worse: getting dumped on videotape by Ben or having everyone in my life remind me about it every second of the day.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You have good friends. They care.
WENDY: Okay, are we going to arrest Dr. Newleaf or is Pop Quiz Day going to be all about shrinking Wendy's head?
THE MIDDLEMAN: We're not going to arrest him. We're going to talk to him.
WENDY: Talk? He kills his patients.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Rash conclusions are for amateurs. Or people under emotional distress.
WENDY: Holy crap on a stick! Is that thing real?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Yes. It's a gift Carl Fabergé was about to present to Czar Nicholas before a Middleman spirited him out of Russia to work on the lens system for the Great Steam Laser of 1917.
WENDY: What are you gonna do with it?
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's Training Day. Why don't you tell me what I'm going to do with it?
WENDY: I'll tell you what you could do with it.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Will it be rated G?
WENDY: Doubt it.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Let's skip it, then.
Newleaf Institute of Natural Beauty. 2:00 PM
THE MIDDLEMAN: Eyes open, Dubbie. We're gonna have to do some pretty fancy lying to get in to see Dr. Newleaf.
WENDY: Why don't we just ask for an appointment?
THE MIDDLEMAN: He's booked up the rest of the year. Pop quiz, Dubbie!
WENDY: Wow! So this is where all our fake IDs come from. Is my name on all of them? Wendy Watson, FBI.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Not today. Improvisation is the key to the job. I pick the identity, you run with it. It's Training Day.
DR. NEWLEAF: We don't get very many visitors from the Fish and Wildlife Commision.
WENDY: Yeah. Me and Agent Strickland here are looking into the off-label use of Botox on fish.
DR. NEWLEAF: Botox on fish? What are you talking about?
WENDY: Yeah, it's a real problem because the fish are getting all strange and weird.
THE MIDDLEMAN: But that's secondary to why we're here. May we have a word in private?
DR. NEWLEAF: Sure. Do I need a lawyer?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I assure you, this is just a preliminary visit.
WENDY: Maybe.
THE MIDDLEMAN: We believe that Isabel Schon was murdered.
DR. NEWLEAF: What's that got to do with fish and wildlife? She disappeared and was found in the middle of a shopping district.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Our jurisdiction is very broad on certain matters, sir.
DR. NEWLEAF: I want my lawyer.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Maybe you should have a look at this instead.
DR. NEWLEAF: It's…so…beautiful.
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's more than that, isn't it?
DR. NEWLEAF: It's more than just beautiful. It's…glorious.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You can't resist it, can you? You want it? Take it. Go on. No use pretending anymore.
WENDY: Carl Fabergé's gonna be pissed.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Alright, Dr. Newleaf - if that is your name - we want some answers.
DR. NEWLEAF: We've been revealed. Intruder alert. [Speaking in alien. Subtitles: Detain the Earthlings! Detain the Earthlings!]
SECURITY GUARDS: [Speaking in alien. Subtitles: Detain the Earthlings! Detain the Earthlings!]
THE MIDDLEMAN: Let me handle this.
WENDY: My gun's not working.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I know. I turned it off with this. You can't be trusted with live ordnance.
WENDY: What!?
THE MIDDLEMAN: What part of 'let me handle this' didn't you get? [Speaking in alien. Subtitles: I came in peace. Don't mind the young one.]
DR. NEWLEAF: [Speaking in alien. Subtitles: Truly?]
THE MIDDLEMAN: [Speaking in alien. Subtitles: On my honor.]
DR. NEWLEAF: Oh! Well, why didn't say so in the first place?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I just want to talk.
DR. NEWLEAF: We will talk with you. But she has offended my people by drawing a gun.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You heard the man.
WENDY: And miss this?
THE MIDDLEMAN: You've offended them!
WENDY: I'll apologize.
THE MIDDLEMAN: In time, maybe.
WENDY: Who are these people?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Manicoids. Alien exiles on our planet. Wealthy neighborhoods on Earth are the only places in the galaxy where their looks allow them to move freely. Masquerading as rich humans who've had too much plastic surgery also lets them to indulge their fetish for dining on precious stones. Now. You need to go outside. Again, my apologies.
DR. NEWLEAF: Ah. You know how rash and impetuous women can be.
The Middlemobile
WENDY: Hey, Lacey. Yeah, right now's not a really good time. I'm just - I'm trying really hard, I'm just not having a great day, you know? But I'm trying to.
LACEY: Oh, no. You went back on the web, didn't you?
WENDY: Back on the web?
LACEY: Oh. Hey. You know. I gotta go, um…
WENDY: Lacey, what could possibly be on the web? The breakup was the only thing Ben ever filmed between us. I mean - as far as I know, right?
LACEY: Yeah. It's just, I know you've been working for this temp agency and spending a lot of time at your desk and on the web and I know you read that movie gossip site a lot so I thought you'd need me because I'm sure you've heard about Ben's new deal.
WENDY: Ben's new deal?
LACEY: Yeah - but it's nothing. It's a - it's a - it's a blip. Look, if you need to cry -
WENDY: Lacey, do you have the webpage in front of you?
LACEY: Yeah…
WENDY: Then just read it to me.
LACEY: The Weinstock Company announced today that they paid a record sum to Ben Stanley to write and direct a feature length version of his viral break up film. Which has become an overnight sensation on the Internet.
Newleaf Institute of Natural Beauty.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I've come to warn you: somebody's using dangerous teleportation technology to kidnap and kill your people.
DR. NEWLEAF: We are aware of the attacks and we are doing our best to contain the situation.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You may be next. The killer is targeting the brightest and best of the Manicoid community. I'm here to offer my help.
DR. NEWLEAF: We can take care of ourselves. We are survivors. We don't need any help.
The Middlemobile
LACEY: There's just a few quotes from the Weinstock brothers about how talented Ben is and how confident they feel in his abilities and then, um, "inspired by real life events, the film will be delightfully awkward realistic comedy, a cross between Super Bad and Woody Allen, detailing in gruesome detail the breakup of a sensitive and likable film student from his cold and emotionally distant artist girlfriend." And then it's just a few more things about how much they're paying him.
WENDY: I'm not cold and emotionally distant.
LACEY: That's right, Dubbie. Let it all out. Dr. Gil says that when you're in the middle of an emotional flashpoint -
WENDY: I'm not gonna do that! I'm not gonna let him do that to me. Ben doesn't deserve my tears and he's not gonna get them! You know, I - I'm stronger than that! I'm not gonna let anyone walk all over me! Oh, my boss is here, I gotta go.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Please take this. It's a very valuable piece. A token of peace and trans-species understanding. Just, uh, don't eat it.
DR. NEWLEAF: Hm. Rash and impetuous.
The Middlemobile
WENDY: I can't believe you put training wheels on my gun. What happened to team-building and establishing trust?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Lord love a duck, Dubbie, what would you have done? First you maim a droid then you tried to OK-Corral a bunch of friendly extraterrestrials who need our help? Your psych profile says that after a breakup, you're prone to excessive fetishistic mourning followed by further serial monogamy, not abject denial punctuated by random bursts of violence. Your response to this breakup is becoming a liability for the both of us. We're a team. If one part of the team breaks down, the other needs to know. If there's a reason for this behavioral anomaly, then you need to tell me right away.
WENDY: I have a psych profile?
How did you get this!?
THE MIDDLEMAN: That was a good one! You peaked there with crayons and had a learning curve when you went to watercolors.
WENDY: I was eight! Where do you get off invading my privacy like this?
THE MIDDLEMAN: It's part of the job. Being a team!
WENDY: It's not my fault that the rest of the world hit the pipe before punching in this morning!
THE MIDDLEMAN: I may seem like an old-fashioned man but I assure you I would not judge you harshly if you had a moment of emotional catharsis in front of me.
WENDY: I'll show you a moment of emotional catharsis. Your psych profile? Is wrong!
Hallway of the illegal sublet
NOSER: Yo, Wendy Watson.
WENDY: Hey, Noser.
NOSER: What was today?
WENDY: Today was gonna be the day.
NOSER: What kind of day?
WENDY: I think they were gonna throw it back to me.
NOSER: And did they?
WENDY: Boy, did they ever.
The illegal sublet
DR. GIL: Anita, the way you spend money may be an issue in the breakup of your relationship but it's not the issue. And if your boyfriend chooses to use that against you, then he is being emotionally dishonest. You know I can't turn someone away in emotional pain. See, folks? Crying is a natural thing. Crying is what people do under stress and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Folks, if crying is wrong, I don't want to be right.
WENDY: Sorry, Lacey.
DR. GIL: That's right. Look at her, people, crying...Good! Get it out, people. It's good to cry!
Dr. Newleaf's office. 4:30 AM (Manicoids never sleep because of their advanced alien metabolism)
A bedroom in the illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist. 5:00 AM
THE MIDDLEMAN: Dubbie! Dubbie! Please acknowledge. Dubbie, this is a priority message, please acknowledge. Dr. Newleaf has been abducted. Get dressed and be downstairs in five. This is not a test.
WENDY: Sure you want me on this?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I'd be a cruddy teacher if I didn't.
LACEY: Hey, Dub-Dub! I heard a ruckus!
WENDY: Something important, I gotta go.
LACEY: It's like oh-dark-thirty in the morning!
WENDY: Look! I just! I got a call, okay? I gotta go!
LACEY: Wendy! No! Revenge sex is not the answer!
The Middlemobile
THE MIDDLEMAN: Dr. Newleaf vanished about an hour ago. I'm tracking him by the Middlewatch I gave him as a gift.
WENDY: The Middlewatch? Like the one you gave me? So you mean as long as he's wearing that watch, you can track his movements? That means you've been tracking everything I do! Day and night!
THE MIDDLEMAN: Woah there, Cochise! Understand this - being a Middleman means doing the impossible on a regular basis. You can't do the impossible if you're working without a net. That watch is the most important tool in the Middleman arsenal because as long as you have the watch, you'll always know - no matter how bad the situation, I will always have your back. Always.
We've reached Dr. Newleaf's signal. No more pop quizzes, Dubbie. You ready for active duty?
KBTTF TV Broadcast Studio. Dawn.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Broadcast studio. Makes all the sense in the world. Whoever is abducting the Manicoids is using the station's high-powered dishes to beam his teleportation signal. With this gear, he could beam people from anywhere and to anywhere in the world.
WENDY: Great.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Got your dad's lucky lighter?
WENDY: Unless you stole it again.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Must be a secret door. There's always airflow, no matter how tightly the door is fitted.
WENDY: The things I learn on this job…
THE MIDDLEMAN: Glad you're learning.
WENDY: Wow. Lacey would have a vegan stroke if she saw this.
THE MIDDLEMAN: They may call themselves hunters, but to me, they're just serial killers of animals.
Ugh. Great hearts of palm, that is grotesque!
WENDY: What kind of a man would hunt down defenseless aliens like this?
DR. GIL: A vengeful man!
WENDY: Dr. Gil!?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Noted TV personality?
WENDY: What a revelation.
DR. GIL: No autographs today, my hands are full. I played down my hunting days. My audience don't like to think of Dr. Gil killin' Bambi.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Diseased maniac. The Manicoids will not be merciful when they discover what you have done.
DR. GIL: Who's gonna tell them, you? I don't see that.
THE MIDDLEMAN: What have you done with Dr. Newleaf?
DR. GIL: Ah, don't worry about Dr. Newleaf. I've already teleported him away to my private hunting reserve. But I saw a little dangle on his arm, took it away, figured it to be a tracking device. Now I'm just gonna assume that y'all ain't from the FCC.
WENDY: I don't understand. Why would anyone hunt Manicoids?
DR. GIL: When I was a boy, my daddy and me were drivin' when the first Manicoid ship came to earth. Being a southern gentleman, my daddy broke out his trusty 12-gauge and he fired upon that sucker. The flaming debris from that crashing vessel crushed my daddy to death. I was able to salvage part of the ship. That just so happened to contain the teleportation device. Hmm?
THE MIDDLEMAN: So you spent the rest of your life plotting revenge.
DR. GIL: Yep. Accruing wealth and power through my work as a television psychotherapist was merely a means to the end of hunting down Manicoids for sport.
THE MIDDLEMAN: So that's all this is? The most dangerous game with aliens. Thrilling.
DR. GIL: Yep, that's the long and short of it, all of which leads me to the part of the story where I say goodbye and you die.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Wendy! No!
Oh, phooey.
Dr. Gil's Private Hunting Reserve. Sometime after dawn.
WENDY: Dr. Newleaf!
DR. NEWLEAF: Don't shoot, please!
WENDY: For god's sake, I'm not going to shoot you. Are you alright?
DR. NEWLEAF: I'm still in one piece. I might have twisted my ankle, but we can't stay here long. We must keep going. Come.
WENDY: You know what? No. I'm not gonna get whacked in the back by some TV shrink. It's just not right. I got my gun. It's as good as his, if not better.
DR. NEWLEAF: Are you crazy? He killed six of my people.
WENDY: Maybe I am crazy! But I'm gonna confront that bloated, ego-driven psychopath and take him out for good! I hate him so much I might mount him!
DR. NEWLEAF: …you'll what?
WENDY: Nevermind.
Yippie-ki-yay, [bleep].
No way. No way! You and your [bleep] training wheels!
Oh, screw it. Just shoot me! Put my head up on the wall if that's what you want. At this point, anything's better than the day I'm having. This is the worst week of my life. Do you have any idea what it's like, to just wanna do well and get along in the world? And everyone just thinks they know exactly what's best for you?
DR. GIL: I might have an idea about that.
WENDY: No, you don't. Ben was a tool! He was a total rich entitled mondo dismo and everyone thinks I should be crying over him!
DR. GIL: Honey, it's good to cry. Cry to Dr. Gil. I can't turn away someone in emotional pain.
WENDY: I loved Ben. That was my ex's name. Ben.
DR. GIL: Yeah, I got that.
WENDY: He was so sweet when we met. He used to take me to see all these Eastern European art films from the sixties, you know the kinds where all the men have gnarly facial hair and bad teeth. And so I asked him, "Ben, why do you keep taking me to see these movies filled with ugly people?" He said it was because he lost his last girlfriend to a Serbian actor and he didn't want that to ever happen again. I mean, yeah, he was insecure, but…he was mine, you know? And...I loved him…for loving me. And I thought everything was fine until he left. Just like Tommy Tam. And Steve. And Rodney. And…
DR. GIL: And who else? Come on, let it all out, honey.
WENDY: My dad.
DR. GIL: I reckoned.
WENDY: He disappeared when I was 14. Just…poof! Like every other man I've ever cared about. All they ever do is leave!
DR. GIL: I guarantee you that for the rest of your short life, I will not go away.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Sorry I'm late.
WENDY: You weren't late.
I knew that as long as I had this watch that you had my back. All I had to do was stall.
Teamwork, right?
THE MIDDLEMAN: You're a pistol, Dubbie. You're gonna do great things. Let's move with purpose. We have a spaceship to catch.
WENDY: Hey! By the way, any chance you could turn my gun back on?
Hallway of the illegal sublet
NOSER: Yo, Wendy Watson.
WENDY: Hey, Noser.
NOSER: I'm thinkin' of a place.
WENDY: What kind of a place?
NOSER: A place where no one would dare to go.
WENDY: Is that place Xanadu, Noser?
NOSER: Yeah, it's like a dream.
LACEY: Oh. You're home.
WENDY: Yep.
LACEY: Well, I hope you don't expect me to break out the ice cream or the candy bars while spending some quality time talking over your dearly departed boyfriend while listening to angry female empowerment rock because I'm out of the breakup counseling racket for good.
WENDY: Thank god.
LACEY: Yep. It's just business as usual here in Casa de Lacey and Wendy; we're just two well-adjusted people focusing on our work.
WENDY: Outstanding.
LACEY: Good. Wouldn't want you thinking I'm some kind of drama vampire.
WENDY: Never. Although…you know, I have a strange craving to watch Island of the Flesh-Eaters.
LACEY: Lucio Fulci's 1979 masterpiece of undead horror?
Okay, so we can watch it, as long as you just promise not to talk about Ben. Cuz I need my space.
WENDY: Deal.
LACEY: You know, I don't think Dr. Gil would approve of this therapy.
WENDY: Oh, I don't think we'll be hearing much from Dr. Gil anymore.
KBTTF Television Broadcast
REPORTER: America is in shock today over the news that Dr. Gil, the noted television personality has been trampled and subsequently eaten by a rhino during a hunting trip. The news has sent shock waves through Dr. Gil's fan community, many of whom are reeling from the sensitive psychologist that they have come to know and love is in fact a ruthless hunter of animals.