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Apr 24, 2012 20:04

This has been a really sucky year so far
I would be surprised if I didn't call it, but I really did.
I knew the moment I had to bring in the new year at a bar by myself that this did not promise a year full of good things.

You may be wondering, what's wrong with bringing in the new year at a bar?
Nothing, if you're there with your friends and people that you know/love/work with
But what happens when you're bringing in the new year with people that you only see for an hour or so once every other week.
It's not that it's not a friendship, it's just a different kind of thing. It's not really the kind of thing I'm used to doing.
I like to bring in my new year with friends, family, loved ones, or y'know at worst a house party where I'm already partially drunk. That was 2011 by the way.

My point being, for me, that was not a good omen of this year to come.
And since then I have to say I have not been disappointed.

I really wasn't going to sit here and write this shit out, but y'know what? This is fucking livejournal, if I can't be angsty and emo and shit here, I can't be that anywhere. Sometimes I just have shit on my chest that I need to talk about, whether I want to or not.

In this past month alone I've managed to lose my job, gain another job within the same company doing the shit I wasn't trying to do anymore. I've been informed that my dog is probably about to be put down for shit he couldn't even control. I mean that literally by the way, he has a hernia right next to his asshole so he can't even poop properly. That's some fucked up shit...literally. I missed my good friends' wedding, which I was totally psyched to go to, but due to my job and lack thereof, I couldn't even take the time off. I haven't had a vacation since who knows when and I had a whole bunch of hours lined up.
I totally ruined my 5th year anniversary with my girlfriend by sleeping with this other girl who I'm both uncontrollably attracted to and incredibly annoyed with.
Now, before you go cursing me out about being a terrible guy, let me first point out to you that my girlfriend of 5 years is very much involved with another guy of her own (it's been at least 2-3 years now). And she was the one that got this whole ball rolling anyway, I was just trying to play catch up. Which completely has not worked in my favor, like at all.
I really thought I had something going there. I was honest, upfront, and understanding as I could be. And for a minute, so was she. That very brief moment in time was amazing. It was exactly what I was looking for, and then it all got tossed to shit over something I still can't understand to this day.
Look at me, I'm still beating around the fucking bush. Why? I don't know.
Because I hate putting all my business out there at once, yet it's the only way I feel completely relieved. I hate that. I really do.
I don't like putting names or descriptions out there because someone might read it and get offended. But I suppose if you've talked to me at any point at all within the last month, very little of this should be a surprise to you.

It sucks that I'm attracted to her in ways that I can't explain the significance of. Because it doesn't fucking matter. It's...just...AUGH.

This entry is two days in the making.
I'm still trying to get across all the shit that's been going around in my head.
I don't even know.
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