Just a little something from a dream I had.
It was only then while I was sitting on the stairs to the gym that I recognized the fact that I had fallen in love with you. It didn’t come as a shock, quite the opposite really. It was more of a quiet understanding. Just a soothing, “I’m in love with him,” resounding through my head. I guess I should have expected it sooner or later. I always did get butterflies in my stomach whenever you laughed or smiled and I always had this feeling that I needed to hold your hand. You came and sat down next to me about five minutes after I came to the conclusion that I was in love with you. I instantly went into panic mode. How was I supposed to tell you? Was I supposed to tell you? Would you completely hate me afterwards? Would you declare your love for me also? And while I was wishing for it to be the latter, I knew that it wouldn’t happen. You had your eye one someone else. You asked me what was wrong and why I was sitting outside by myself. I just shrugged. What else was I supposed to do? Recite a poem on how much I loved you? Yeah, that would be the worst idea known to man. Not only because it would be totally embarrassing, but I’m really not good with poetry anyway. You knew that I didn’t want you to push me into answering so you changed the subject rapidly. Of course, it had to be the subject that I most definitely didn’t want to talk about. Your crush. Even though I had only recently came to the conclusion that I did in fact love you, I still felt like I had known it all along and it hurt to hear you talking about someone like that. You told me you had asked her out and she had said yes. I was happy for you in a way. Happy that you finally got what you wanted, but I was jealous out of my mind. “I thought that the only thing I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I quickly realized that I just wanted you to be happy with me,” I had replied. Your smile gently faded into a confused frown. While you were trying to figure out what I was saying, I was quietly cursing myself in my head. You were going to hate me now, I was sure of it. I looked up from the ground and back to your face. Your eyes now held a gentle understanding and a sort of quiet sadness. I sighed and looked away again. “I’m sorry,” I remember saying, “I just… I… You’re just so… you! I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to! I can’t… You’re so beautiful and I just always want to hold your hand or make you smile or do something really romantic whenever you’re around.” I had scowled after I finished saying that. I didn’t really mean to reveal that much. You were really going to hate me now. “I sort of always knew that you, you know, liked me. I was just… I already liked her and yeah,” you had said. You were trying to let me down easy. You know, the easy way of saying, “Sorry, I like someone else, but I can still be your friend, right?” I just nodded my head and said, “I know. And I’m happy for you, really, I am. I just… sort of wish it was me instead. Just… don’t let my feelings break up our friendship, okay? And you can always come to me if you have problems with anything.” You smiled a little brighter now and my heart melted. You always did have the best smile. You stood up and held out a hand. I grabbed it and let you hoist me into a standing position. After a couple of seconds of looking at one another, you pulled me into a hug. “I know. Thank you,” you whispered. I hugged you tighter. I didn’t want to let you go now that I had you in my arms. You looked down at me and gave me another sad smile. You knew this was hurting me and I had a weird appreciation for your empathy. When we let go and stepped back from each other, I felt like I had lost the world. “Please don’t be hurt. I do like you a lot, but I just don’t think that it’s the right time for us,” you calmly said, bringing your hand to my cheek. I leaned into the touch for a second before saying, “Well, I’ll be waiting until the time is right.” “I know.” You leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek before walking back inside the building. I watched you disappear down the hallway and hoped that the time for us would be sooner rather than later.