WARNING: it's long.. and mainly about guys
sooo... it's been a couple weeks since an update.
my sis is home for the summer, which is good. we've done some bonding stuff like movies, lunch, getting our nails done, and all that great stuff. i'd really missed having her around, but now things feel normal again.
my car is still being repaired. it's fixed for the most part, it just needs to be re-aligned to finalize it. i'm glad too, cuz i miss it... alot. i've been driving my dad's taurus which i'm greatful for, but it's just not the same. i guess now i know not to take my little accent for granted.
i think today i finally came to terms with some things. i'd been in denial for a while. i've been dating this guy cody for about a month and a half... and today i finally got grip on the fact.... this is not a relationship. at least not in my opinion.
* we sometimes go a few days without talking to each other.. not even a call. and the calls we do have are always under 5 minutes. yeahhhh...
* whenever we say our goodbyes, he's always like "okay babe, see ya sometime". wow... that's just so promising. i mean, i've even said that to poke fun at him.. "wow, sometime. i better mark that on the calendar". but every frickin time it never changes.
* it's some or nothing. emotionally, he's either semi-there... or completely absent
and it sucks cuz he's a really great guy... but i havent seen ANY development over the month and a half i've seen him. i mean.. i was just really bummed today cuz it was my day off, i woke up early, and the first thing i thought was "it's gorgeous out, i have OFF, and i wanna chill with cody". i had even considered the beach. but when i called him, he was already on his way to the beach with a few people to meet up with some folks already down in OC. sooo i moved to the next plan and asked him if he wanted to do something after his night class. the answer was "i dunno.. u want me to give you a call on my break?".. i said yeah, and that was that. later on i get the call that he just wants to go home after class. great. and once again.. the "see you sometime" was used. my heart just fuckin sinks every time. and this last time is the one that finally made me see... it's not going to change. i'd like to think i'm a smart girl... you'd think i'd pick up on these things quicker. i guess that naive side still kicks my ass from time to time. sooo.. who the hell knows when i'll see the boy again.. he doesnt know my work schedule, cuz he doesnt appear anxious about the next time he sees his "girlfriend". but we'll definitely need to talk.
this sucks.. 2 failed attempted relationships in the past 4 months. and this one was realized right after i sprinkled a lil salt in jason's wound. my family had a memorial day BBQ this past sunday. jay was there.... and cody was too. i felt kinda bad about that.. and jay had his "wtf moment". and it's ironic that right after that.. it finally clicks in my head that me and cody just arent going anywhere. maybe i just automatically unknowingly compare what me and jason had to what i have now and its potential (or lack of). i go thru a lot of my life wondering if i'll find that again. me and jay had our major problems, hence our seperation... but we had that connection... that something. i mean, 3 1/2 years is a long fucking time to last with one person. ... i miss that type of relationship. ya know, the meaningful kind.
meanwhile... i'm wondering where all those people who i thought were my friends went. real people are hard to find. which makes for a lonely world.
my sis is home for the summer, which is good. we've done some bonding stuff like movies, lunch, getting our nails done, and all that great stuff. i'd really missed having her around, but now things feel normal again.
my car is still being repaired. it's fixed for the most part, it just needs to be re-aligned to finalize it. i'm glad too, cuz i miss it... alot. i've been driving my dad's taurus which i'm greatful for, but it's just not the same. i guess now i know not to take my little accent for granted.
i think today i finally came to terms with some things. i'd been in denial for a while. i've been dating this guy cody for about a month and a half... and today i finally got grip on the fact.... this is not a relationship. at least not in my opinion.
* we sometimes go a few days without talking to each other.. not even a call. and the calls we do have are always under 5 minutes. yeahhhh...
* whenever we say our goodbyes, he's always like "okay babe, see ya sometime". wow... that's just so promising. i mean, i've even said that to poke fun at him.. "wow, sometime. i better mark that on the calendar". but every frickin time it never changes.
* it's some or nothing. emotionally, he's either semi-there... or completely absent
and it sucks cuz he's a really great guy... but i havent seen ANY development over the month and a half i've seen him. i mean.. i was just really bummed today cuz it was my day off, i woke up early, and the first thing i thought was "it's gorgeous out, i have OFF, and i wanna chill with cody". i had even considered the beach. but when i called him, he was already on his way to the beach with a few people to meet up with some folks already down in OC. sooo i moved to the next plan and asked him if he wanted to do something after his night class. the answer was "i dunno.. u want me to give you a call on my break?".. i said yeah, and that was that. later on i get the call that he just wants to go home after class. great. and once again.. the "see you sometime" was used. my heart just fuckin sinks every time. and this last time is the one that finally made me see... it's not going to change. i'd like to think i'm a smart girl... you'd think i'd pick up on these things quicker. i guess that naive side still kicks my ass from time to time. sooo.. who the hell knows when i'll see the boy again.. he doesnt know my work schedule, cuz he doesnt appear anxious about the next time he sees his "girlfriend". but we'll definitely need to talk.
this sucks.. 2 failed attempted relationships in the past 4 months. and this one was realized right after i sprinkled a lil salt in jason's wound. my family had a memorial day BBQ this past sunday. jay was there.... and cody was too. i felt kinda bad about that.. and jay had his "wtf moment". and it's ironic that right after that.. it finally clicks in my head that me and cody just arent going anywhere. maybe i just automatically unknowingly compare what me and jason had to what i have now and its potential (or lack of). i go thru a lot of my life wondering if i'll find that again. me and jay had our major problems, hence our seperation... but we had that connection... that something. i mean, 3 1/2 years is a long fucking time to last with one person. ... i miss that type of relationship. ya know, the meaningful kind.
meanwhile... i'm wondering where all those people who i thought were my friends went. real people are hard to find. which makes for a lonely world.