LIFE LIFE LIFE
life is awsome. yes it is. so it has been like what, 2 years since i have posted on this thing?? i dont even know who uses it anymore but i figured if i started journaling on lifejournal it would help me cut back on my time on myspace and facebook witch is so addicting and can take over my life.
I kinda wanna share my experince with everyone- before i never wanted people to know about my "secret" life because it was so depressing and sick. But now that I have overcome my obsticles and my own self pity parties I am happy to share what has been going on for the past 2 years.
Well to start about 10 months ago, i moved down to New Orleans. Drinking started to take over my life down there (I had the same problem in Orlando as well- but this time way more intense). A day wouldnt go by that I didnt get drunk, it started out being a drinking binge when i got off work at 11 pm and going tell about 3am... then it got worse and would be drinking in between shifts as well. drinking between 3-5 before i had to go back to work, getting as drunk as i could by taking shot after shot so it would hit me quick. That was going on for a while and it jsut didnt seem enough, started drinking at work as well by hiding drinks- once i even got caught almost resulting in losing my job. Finally drinking and working became to much, I had to pick between one or the other. So what does any alcholic do?? Booze of course. So i quit my job and began even more excessivly drinking with the money I had left over. I would wake up at about 5pm, slowly wake up with some coffee and pre-gaming at my house by my self- around 8pm I would head out to the bars with whoever wasnt working, and then bar hop untill about well... 10am the next morning... new orleans is open 24 hours. I slowly started to run out of my savings, and so about once a month i would start a new waitressing job, work it for a week, and then quit, making enough money for the week to support my rent as well as my drinking habit. That went on for about 3 months after I quit my orginal job. I actually had 6 jobs in in about 4 months. I ended up in the hospital due to excessiving drinking and made my broncidus pretty bad. But I didnt stop drinking, not one bit.
January 13th I got so sick of life and decided to put everything in "Gods" hands... witch was total bull shit because in reality i just put everything in my hands, and the hands of the hospital. I was so messed up at this time, every night i would drive home drunk balling my eyes out cuz all i wanted to do was just dissapear forever. Well anyway, back to January 13th... I went out on such a drinking binge, the whole time i knew i was overdoing it, but that didnt seem to bother me. I ended up with alchol poisioning- resulting in a trip to the hospital where I was lucky enough not to die- but at the time I was kinda dissapointed I didnt get finished off. But it still kinda scared me, I didnt remember anything and I started to question if I wanted to live or die.
So i moved home back to Washington. I stoped drinking but I became very depressed, even more so than before. I barely hung out with anyone, and everything just seemed to be wrong, and I couldnt figure out why. Febuary 13th i drank about 2 bottles of wine and took a huge handful of pills resulting in yet another trip to the hospital. This time I was pissed, why didnt i die??? I got sent off to a Detox house on suicide watch, I was there for a week and than was finally relaeased after telling the crisis response center that I no longer wanted to kill my self, witch was a lie, I jsut didnt want to be with the crazy meth heads anymore.
Life still sucked, I still wasnt getting better, I didnt drink but I still hated life. Finally on March 1st my parents shipped me off to a rehab, against most of my will. I hated being there, nothing was changing and it just seemed like a waste of time and energy. I didnt really talk and was sick of lying my way through things, so when people asked me how I was doing all I said was "life is dumb and I hate it, and it will never get better." The end of day 2 there I locked my self in the bathroom and started to ball my eyes out. I didnt know what to do, I knew if i countined living my life the way I was I would be dead with in a year- if not sooner. But I didnt know how to be happy, I didnt know how to live. Dying was much easier than living, it seemed like the best solution. I asked for help. I asked for God, or whoever my higher power was for help. I wanted to stop feeling pain, pain was all that consumed me anymore. I didnt know what to do to be happy again, but I knew I needed help. All of a sudden I felt this weight lift off me, I pysically felt it go away. Help was on the way. I finally stopped dying and started living. It hasnt been easy, but my mind and life turned a complete 180. I finally shut up about my problems and started listening to solutions.
Life has been fantastic, I finally can hear birds chirping, see bright colors, feel the wind, and the list goes on and on. I finally am living. I have sworn of drinking, I cant promise that in 3 years from now I wont be drinking, but I sure hope I wont be. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Save towmarow for towmarow, think about today instead.
If you read this thanks, if you didnt thats ok, I jsut felt like writing it out and sharing my story. If you ever need sometime to talk to and feel helpless and hopless the best thing to do is talk to someone who understands, and someone who has recovered from that state of mind. Asking for help is the hardest thing to do, but it can save your life. Feel free to call me any day, at anytime. ANYONE AND EVERYONE, weather we havnt talked in 5 years, or you dont think I will understand. I will listen, and I will do my best to give you the tools I have recieved to make my life amazing. Hope all is well. 509-430-1961 <------ feel free to use it!
*Ma-Kel*
I kinda wanna share my experince with everyone- before i never wanted people to know about my "secret" life because it was so depressing and sick. But now that I have overcome my obsticles and my own self pity parties I am happy to share what has been going on for the past 2 years.
Well to start about 10 months ago, i moved down to New Orleans. Drinking started to take over my life down there (I had the same problem in Orlando as well- but this time way more intense). A day wouldnt go by that I didnt get drunk, it started out being a drinking binge when i got off work at 11 pm and going tell about 3am... then it got worse and would be drinking in between shifts as well. drinking between 3-5 before i had to go back to work, getting as drunk as i could by taking shot after shot so it would hit me quick. That was going on for a while and it jsut didnt seem enough, started drinking at work as well by hiding drinks- once i even got caught almost resulting in losing my job. Finally drinking and working became to much, I had to pick between one or the other. So what does any alcholic do?? Booze of course. So i quit my job and began even more excessivly drinking with the money I had left over. I would wake up at about 5pm, slowly wake up with some coffee and pre-gaming at my house by my self- around 8pm I would head out to the bars with whoever wasnt working, and then bar hop untill about well... 10am the next morning... new orleans is open 24 hours. I slowly started to run out of my savings, and so about once a month i would start a new waitressing job, work it for a week, and then quit, making enough money for the week to support my rent as well as my drinking habit. That went on for about 3 months after I quit my orginal job. I actually had 6 jobs in in about 4 months. I ended up in the hospital due to excessiving drinking and made my broncidus pretty bad. But I didnt stop drinking, not one bit.
January 13th I got so sick of life and decided to put everything in "Gods" hands... witch was total bull shit because in reality i just put everything in my hands, and the hands of the hospital. I was so messed up at this time, every night i would drive home drunk balling my eyes out cuz all i wanted to do was just dissapear forever. Well anyway, back to January 13th... I went out on such a drinking binge, the whole time i knew i was overdoing it, but that didnt seem to bother me. I ended up with alchol poisioning- resulting in a trip to the hospital where I was lucky enough not to die- but at the time I was kinda dissapointed I didnt get finished off. But it still kinda scared me, I didnt remember anything and I started to question if I wanted to live or die.
So i moved home back to Washington. I stoped drinking but I became very depressed, even more so than before. I barely hung out with anyone, and everything just seemed to be wrong, and I couldnt figure out why. Febuary 13th i drank about 2 bottles of wine and took a huge handful of pills resulting in yet another trip to the hospital. This time I was pissed, why didnt i die??? I got sent off to a Detox house on suicide watch, I was there for a week and than was finally relaeased after telling the crisis response center that I no longer wanted to kill my self, witch was a lie, I jsut didnt want to be with the crazy meth heads anymore.
Life still sucked, I still wasnt getting better, I didnt drink but I still hated life. Finally on March 1st my parents shipped me off to a rehab, against most of my will. I hated being there, nothing was changing and it just seemed like a waste of time and energy. I didnt really talk and was sick of lying my way through things, so when people asked me how I was doing all I said was "life is dumb and I hate it, and it will never get better." The end of day 2 there I locked my self in the bathroom and started to ball my eyes out. I didnt know what to do, I knew if i countined living my life the way I was I would be dead with in a year- if not sooner. But I didnt know how to be happy, I didnt know how to live. Dying was much easier than living, it seemed like the best solution. I asked for help. I asked for God, or whoever my higher power was for help. I wanted to stop feeling pain, pain was all that consumed me anymore. I didnt know what to do to be happy again, but I knew I needed help. All of a sudden I felt this weight lift off me, I pysically felt it go away. Help was on the way. I finally stopped dying and started living. It hasnt been easy, but my mind and life turned a complete 180. I finally shut up about my problems and started listening to solutions.
Life has been fantastic, I finally can hear birds chirping, see bright colors, feel the wind, and the list goes on and on. I finally am living. I have sworn of drinking, I cant promise that in 3 years from now I wont be drinking, but I sure hope I wont be. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Save towmarow for towmarow, think about today instead.
If you read this thanks, if you didnt thats ok, I jsut felt like writing it out and sharing my story. If you ever need sometime to talk to and feel helpless and hopless the best thing to do is talk to someone who understands, and someone who has recovered from that state of mind. Asking for help is the hardest thing to do, but it can save your life. Feel free to call me any day, at anytime. ANYONE AND EVERYONE, weather we havnt talked in 5 years, or you dont think I will understand. I will listen, and I will do my best to give you the tools I have recieved to make my life amazing. Hope all is well. 509-430-1961 <------ feel free to use it!
*Ma-Kel*