(no subject)
I've been thinkin'...
When I picture my future, in a perfect world, I see myself as a successful person with a little money to throw around. I live in a nice place. I throw parties, I go out for dinner and go to bars and such frequently. I travel. I enjoy life. And I have a good time. I work, I play. It's good.
But when I see all of that, I see myself enjoying it with friends.
The problem is...my friends won't want to enjoy that with me. They won't want to have anything to do with me. They might want to join me for a quiet dinner once or twice a year. They might catch me at a barbeque, and approach me apprehesively and engage in small talk about children and jobs and whatnot, but they won't want to know me when we're older.
If I'm not invloved in a relationship, or not following the general pattern of American society somehow, people will start to lose interest in me. I won't fit in. I'm drifting further (farther?) away from people as it is. They're all starting to do the "natural" thing and beginning to find love and make plans for the future. I'm not. I'm so far removed from that I can't even begin to understand. It sucks. It sucks because I've grown up and matured so much more than most of the people I assosciate with. If they're reaching this phase now...I doubt I ever will. Not that I want to..I'm just saying...I'm becoming more and more convinced that I will never reach this point. And if I don't, that pretty much means I'm an outcast. And the only way I won't be an outcast is if I join the ranks and marry up. That means doing something I may not want to do in order to be appreciated. Noticed. INCLUDED.
I dunno. I just feel like a loser. I'd give anything to be like just another moron that has faith in love and believes in the institution of marriage and wants children. But right now, I'm not. And I feel like that's gonna make for a very lonely life.
Being different isn't always the best.