(no subject)
Being happy takes a lot more than just telling myself that I will be...but it still helps.
Keeping busy is good.
A big part of me is uneasy about TJ. His big fat crush on that dumb girl. But mostly I'm uneasy about his perception of me. While I feel like I've cheated everyone in my life out of getting to know someone smart, beautiful and confident...I feel like I cheated him the most. Because I gave him my heart...and what's left of me wasn't (and still isn't) pretty. He says he doesn't know what made him stop having feelings for me...but I think now maybe I do. He saw so much ugliness that he could no longer see beauty. All because I love him. I'm so messed up over myself that love turns to ugliness when I give it to someone else. Isn't that terrible?
How am I ever gonna make it all up to him? I've done the apology thing. I've made promises (which, so far, have proven to be empty), I've talked a whole bunch about how I'm gonna change and be a good person and therefore a good friend. But I haven't. I'm trying now, but how many times have I tried? Many. We all know. Many many many many. That aside. What happens if I do push myself to be that person I've placed on a pedestal for so many years? Will that make up for it? A big part of me thinks not. What then? Should I just expect him to take it in stride? I feel like I've done such an injustice to our friendship. I feel like I've pushed him so far. I think a lot of damage has been done. I'm afraid he'll give up on me before I can show him how good I can be. I am good. Deep inside I'm good and happy and someone who loves themselves and who knows what they want and who doesn't let every little fucking thing get her down.
I want a smoke. And I should probably fiddle around with my guitar for a bit. Look up some easy tabs, maybe. And then later I'll give TJ a call and see when he wants to hang out...and maybe try not to be all insecure. Maybe if I carry on like normal and stop questioning and begging for reassurance, he might be more forgiving.
Keeping busy is good.
A big part of me is uneasy about TJ. His big fat crush on that dumb girl. But mostly I'm uneasy about his perception of me. While I feel like I've cheated everyone in my life out of getting to know someone smart, beautiful and confident...I feel like I cheated him the most. Because I gave him my heart...and what's left of me wasn't (and still isn't) pretty. He says he doesn't know what made him stop having feelings for me...but I think now maybe I do. He saw so much ugliness that he could no longer see beauty. All because I love him. I'm so messed up over myself that love turns to ugliness when I give it to someone else. Isn't that terrible?
How am I ever gonna make it all up to him? I've done the apology thing. I've made promises (which, so far, have proven to be empty), I've talked a whole bunch about how I'm gonna change and be a good person and therefore a good friend. But I haven't. I'm trying now, but how many times have I tried? Many. We all know. Many many many many. That aside. What happens if I do push myself to be that person I've placed on a pedestal for so many years? Will that make up for it? A big part of me thinks not. What then? Should I just expect him to take it in stride? I feel like I've done such an injustice to our friendship. I feel like I've pushed him so far. I think a lot of damage has been done. I'm afraid he'll give up on me before I can show him how good I can be. I am good. Deep inside I'm good and happy and someone who loves themselves and who knows what they want and who doesn't let every little fucking thing get her down.
I want a smoke. And I should probably fiddle around with my guitar for a bit. Look up some easy tabs, maybe. And then later I'll give TJ a call and see when he wants to hang out...and maybe try not to be all insecure. Maybe if I carry on like normal and stop questioning and begging for reassurance, he might be more forgiving.