i wish life came with traffic signals
I feel like my entire world is spinning around and around as I stand here utterly lost. One minute I remember why I am doing all this and the next it is as if it were all an entirely foreign language. There are moments when I just want to run away to college already and then there are moments when I want to run home crying to someone. I wish I didn't feel so lost or alone. I have no real reason to feel alone though. I feel like something is missing because I can't just get up and run to someone. I should be able to right?
My whole life I was the strong one. The big sister role has really diminished my ability to take my life into my own hands and simply ask for what I think I have done for others: HELP! But then I realize that I have my mom and my brother and my sister. So what could possibly be missing? My father. Sometimes that man amazes me. He called last night and I seriously felt like a million dollars. But then he let me come crashing down. He makes me feel like all I want from him is money and that I am not worth any kind of trouble. It is almost as if everything that happened 18 years ago between him and my mom and his ex wife is my fault. I just don't get it. How do I make my father be my dad? How do I make him love me? How do I get him to realize that eventually I will give up on him?
But then again maybe it is like so many other people in my life. Everyone knows I never give up on anyone. Maybe I just let everyone walk all over me but I forgive and forget and give chance after chance. Out of everyone in my life, I don't think anyone has gotten more chances than my dad, not even my mother.
When is it all enough?
Senior year is not supposed to be the year I want to give up and not find it all worth it. The only thing that keeps me going is that I leave August 19th. And then the flip side. I am loosing my best friend. My sister. Snowball. And any chance at getting back the one person I want back.
My whole life I was the strong one. The big sister role has really diminished my ability to take my life into my own hands and simply ask for what I think I have done for others: HELP! But then I realize that I have my mom and my brother and my sister. So what could possibly be missing? My father. Sometimes that man amazes me. He called last night and I seriously felt like a million dollars. But then he let me come crashing down. He makes me feel like all I want from him is money and that I am not worth any kind of trouble. It is almost as if everything that happened 18 years ago between him and my mom and his ex wife is my fault. I just don't get it. How do I make my father be my dad? How do I make him love me? How do I get him to realize that eventually I will give up on him?
But then again maybe it is like so many other people in my life. Everyone knows I never give up on anyone. Maybe I just let everyone walk all over me but I forgive and forget and give chance after chance. Out of everyone in my life, I don't think anyone has gotten more chances than my dad, not even my mother.
When is it all enough?
Senior year is not supposed to be the year I want to give up and not find it all worth it. The only thing that keeps me going is that I leave August 19th. And then the flip side. I am loosing my best friend. My sister. Snowball. And any chance at getting back the one person I want back.