(no subject)
So, I am procrastinating again. I did get some dishes done this morning but I still have not made any phone calls on apartments. I am really dreading it. My mind is still racing with so much stuff but I know that the reality of the situation is that I am just making excuses for the fact that I do not want to make the phone calls. I feel like my life is such a mess. I feel like I am slipping again. I do not think that I am in trouble but I do think that I am getting a little depressed. I have definitely noticed that I am edgy and tired lately. Kurt and I are fighting a lot and I am noticing that some of my reactions are kind of out of line. I do not know if it is that I am slipping in my mood again or if it is that I am falling into some of my old patterns with Kurt because of the fact that he does stuff that reminds me of Mike. There is of course the fact that I have not been in a realtionship since Mike and the fact that I am pretty sure that this relationship is not really going anywhere. I do not think that I could ever have really have strong feelings for him. I feel soemtimes like I am just leading him on but at the same time we have had good times together so I do not want to end things between us. I do not know I hate feeling this way again. I hate all this jumbled up feelings. Love and dating sucks. I love Bill and I really wish that I could get that to go away. I would love to be with him but at the same time I do not want to. Besides that I do not think that it is ever going to happen so it would be nice to get over it and feel comfortable with another man without thinking of him. I thought that with him being gone that things would get better with him beung in Mississippi. I thought that having him far away would make things better and that I would not think about him so much. I still think about him a lot though. He is still the first one that I think of when there is something really wrong and the first one that I want to call when I have really good news. There is something that seems wrong to me about the fact that I think so much about Bill and that I love him so much but yet I am still dating someone else and there is a good chance that I will probably date someone else again. This whole thing is so crazy that I do not know what to do. One of the most frustrating things is not knowing how Bill feels. He goes back and forth. He will not tell me how he feels. He has told me a couple of times since he left that he loves me but he only says it in response to me saying it. I know him and I know that he would not say that if he did not mean it especially since the last time was in a text message so he could easily have let it go, it is not like when you say it on the phone to someone and the automatic response is to say it back. He talks about me coming down there to stay but that does not mean that he wants to be with me and besides that he knows very well that it is not realistic since I have to stay here with Tessa. I really wish that he would come back here to us. Tessa really got hurt by him leaving and I do not think that he really saw that coming. I do not think that he realized how big an impact the few months that he spent with Tessa made on her. She loves him. I am pretty sure that he had no idea that Tessa would have this hard a time with it. I do not think that he expected Tessa to fall so much in love with him. He is not used to the responsibility of kids and the impact that his actions have on them. He is starting to get how much he means to her I think but I am still not sure that he gets how deeply it hurt her. I think that is a man thing though. I have not really explained it to him either. I have taken to writing him letters lately which is really insane. I will not be able to give them to him since he is living so far away. It feels so good to just sit down and write to him sometimes though. I like to just write things out sometimes and it is just easier for me sometimes to write a letter to the person that I have something that I need to say. I was able to text message Bill the other night and get him to tell me the other night that he had forgiven me for my marriage a long time ago. It was real freeing for me to hear that. Bill also said to me on the phone the other night that he hated to say "no" to me. I was so shocked that I almost dropped the phone. I know that I have a real problem with telling him "no" but I do not see him anymore as a guy that could not turn me down in fact I almost feel like there is not much at all that he would do for me. I know that he is always there for me when I really need to talk but at the same time there are a lot of things that I do not expect him to be there for me on and I really would never have thought that he sould hate to say "no" to me. I know that was something that we went through before but it was something that I thought that he had grown out of that with me when he got to the point where he did not want to be with me anymore. I do wonder at times if he really does not want to be with me though because the way that he acts sometimes really sends some mixed signals. Wow, I have really gone through a lot here and I am really kind of tired. I have to go see about getting something to eat. This is really to long too. I will update again at the very least when I get my grades.