life
I don't know if today is "National Spill Your Guts to Livejournal Day" or what.
But I feel like crying.
It's so weird. I have a really nice life. I love my family, my boyfriend, where I am right now...
Maybe that's why when little things bother me, they bother me more than they should. I have no real life traumas, to speak of. So life's minor infractions gets blown up really big, because I have no basis for comparison.
Does that make sense?
To me it does.
I just...feel deflated sometimes, like a balloon that has lost all of its air. Over the course of the week, the tolls from everyday life add up, and just make me wither.
I'm graduating soon. I may have the opportunity to go to Colorado for fall semester, to complete my intership. But...(I know that I shouldn't be stressing about this already) do I want to go to Colorado for an entire semester? I know the experience would be mind-blowing, and I'd be working as a writer for the Olympics. But ARGH, I'd be spending a semester without my friends, my family, etc. I've already done that for two summers, and it depresses the hell out of me. My loved ones are exactly that, LOVED ONES and I can't stand to live my everyday life without them. I know that I could get through 12 weeks of anything, anywhere. But do I want to? Do I want to celebrate my 21st birthday by myself, or with perfect strangers? Do I want to miss my final MSU/U of M weekend held in EAST LANSING?
In the long run, where I end up spending one semester of my life probably won't make a difference in the long run. There will be other bar nights, other football games...I have my whole life in front of me. Part of me wants to say, if I get this job, let's fucking go to Colorado! Endless skiing, um, working with the Olympics?
But other parts of me say that you only live your senior year once. And I want to enjoy it, where I'm comfortable, with my friends and family, in my house that I'm making my dad pay for already, in my zone.
Argh, decisions.
Sometimes I just want to be at home, on my big green couch, with my mom while she rubs my head and tells me that everything is going to be okay.
I wish I had a dog to cuddle with. I feel as if dogs always brighten my mood.
I just don't want to grow up yet. And I get really stressed for the future, and what if I don't find a job? I don't have that much money in my bank account.
I'm so torn between wanting to just LIVE and blow my money on clothes and beer- and then needing to save, and finally put my flip flops away and be a big girl.
...I'm jumping around a lot between topics. Sorry to anyone who's still reading.
Valentine's Day is soon, it's next Wednesday. I told Chris that it doesn't matter what we do, because I just want to see him and hang out like always, no matter what day the calandar says. I also told him I don't want a stupid bear. All of the above is true. But even though V-Day shouldn't make a big difference, I still hope he at least makes me a card or something.
I'd still like to know that he thought of me.
And I want to go to dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, we can even split the bill. And he might have to work on Valentine's Day, so it could be the weekend before or after. I won't be picky.
I'm just happy to be with someone who I really like.
Things with us are pretty stable, pretty constant. I really care about him.
In other news, I get paid Friday. I'm pretty excited.
And my mom sent me a care package full of underwear. I love underwear. I really needed some new pairs, too.
Okay, well now I'm talking about underwear. So I'll go study for my exam tomorrow.
Love.
But I feel like crying.
It's so weird. I have a really nice life. I love my family, my boyfriend, where I am right now...
Maybe that's why when little things bother me, they bother me more than they should. I have no real life traumas, to speak of. So life's minor infractions gets blown up really big, because I have no basis for comparison.
Does that make sense?
To me it does.
I just...feel deflated sometimes, like a balloon that has lost all of its air. Over the course of the week, the tolls from everyday life add up, and just make me wither.
I'm graduating soon. I may have the opportunity to go to Colorado for fall semester, to complete my intership. But...(I know that I shouldn't be stressing about this already) do I want to go to Colorado for an entire semester? I know the experience would be mind-blowing, and I'd be working as a writer for the Olympics. But ARGH, I'd be spending a semester without my friends, my family, etc. I've already done that for two summers, and it depresses the hell out of me. My loved ones are exactly that, LOVED ONES and I can't stand to live my everyday life without them. I know that I could get through 12 weeks of anything, anywhere. But do I want to? Do I want to celebrate my 21st birthday by myself, or with perfect strangers? Do I want to miss my final MSU/U of M weekend held in EAST LANSING?
In the long run, where I end up spending one semester of my life probably won't make a difference in the long run. There will be other bar nights, other football games...I have my whole life in front of me. Part of me wants to say, if I get this job, let's fucking go to Colorado! Endless skiing, um, working with the Olympics?
But other parts of me say that you only live your senior year once. And I want to enjoy it, where I'm comfortable, with my friends and family, in my house that I'm making my dad pay for already, in my zone.
Argh, decisions.
Sometimes I just want to be at home, on my big green couch, with my mom while she rubs my head and tells me that everything is going to be okay.
I wish I had a dog to cuddle with. I feel as if dogs always brighten my mood.
I just don't want to grow up yet. And I get really stressed for the future, and what if I don't find a job? I don't have that much money in my bank account.
I'm so torn between wanting to just LIVE and blow my money on clothes and beer- and then needing to save, and finally put my flip flops away and be a big girl.
...I'm jumping around a lot between topics. Sorry to anyone who's still reading.
Valentine's Day is soon, it's next Wednesday. I told Chris that it doesn't matter what we do, because I just want to see him and hang out like always, no matter what day the calandar says. I also told him I don't want a stupid bear. All of the above is true. But even though V-Day shouldn't make a big difference, I still hope he at least makes me a card or something.
I'd still like to know that he thought of me.
And I want to go to dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, we can even split the bill. And he might have to work on Valentine's Day, so it could be the weekend before or after. I won't be picky.
I'm just happy to be with someone who I really like.
Things with us are pretty stable, pretty constant. I really care about him.
In other news, I get paid Friday. I'm pretty excited.
And my mom sent me a care package full of underwear. I love underwear. I really needed some new pairs, too.
Okay, well now I'm talking about underwear. So I'll go study for my exam tomorrow.
Love.