「歴史を創り出すColors」
I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I know it's only been 15 days since my last entry, and that I've had longer periods of not posting, but for some reason, it just feels like it's been a long time.
I feel despair at the season's changing. My heart feels heavy with the knowledge that winter is nearing. Hell, I felt heavy at the thought of autumn approaching.
I am no longer normal. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. I no longer associate autumn with the turning of leaves, nor winter with snow. When I think of autumn, the word "Darkness" comes to my mind; winter-- "Madness".
My state of mind has a tendency to follow the weather. I get very depressed in autumn. As the leaves die, I, in turn, feel I am dying. I get this cavern in my chest and my mind turns dark. But more than that, it reminds of this time two years ago. I was very sick-- at least emotionally. And mentally. And probably physically, too. I believe I was at the peak of despair then. It felt like death.
Since then, I haven't been able to disassociate autumn with heavy depression. Last year I relapsed in autumn. It seems this year will be the same.
And winter. After months of being dark, you go mad. You go crazy. I can barely remember my last two winters, seeing as I was severely malnourished and mad. I remember this, though: the cold... sitting at a desk, bundled in multiple coats, but still freezing. My blue fingers. I remember looking down at my thinning thighs. I remember thinking: I can't take this anymore.
I wonder if this year will be the same. I wonder if this year will be another year of darkness, of then madness. I feel harshly, somewhere in the pit of my stomach, that it will. It scares me. I wonder if I will be able to handle another two seasons of this.
But then I remember Spring. When the grass grows green and the flowers bud, as life is breathed onto the land once more, I shed the skin of disorder.
I feel despair at the season's changing. My heart feels heavy with the knowledge that winter is nearing. Hell, I felt heavy at the thought of autumn approaching.
I am no longer normal. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. I no longer associate autumn with the turning of leaves, nor winter with snow. When I think of autumn, the word "Darkness" comes to my mind; winter-- "Madness".
My state of mind has a tendency to follow the weather. I get very depressed in autumn. As the leaves die, I, in turn, feel I am dying. I get this cavern in my chest and my mind turns dark. But more than that, it reminds of this time two years ago. I was very sick-- at least emotionally. And mentally. And probably physically, too. I believe I was at the peak of despair then. It felt like death.
Since then, I haven't been able to disassociate autumn with heavy depression. Last year I relapsed in autumn. It seems this year will be the same.
And winter. After months of being dark, you go mad. You go crazy. I can barely remember my last two winters, seeing as I was severely malnourished and mad. I remember this, though: the cold... sitting at a desk, bundled in multiple coats, but still freezing. My blue fingers. I remember looking down at my thinning thighs. I remember thinking: I can't take this anymore.
I wonder if this year will be the same. I wonder if this year will be another year of darkness, of then madness. I feel harshly, somewhere in the pit of my stomach, that it will. It scares me. I wonder if I will be able to handle another two seasons of this.
But then I remember Spring. When the grass grows green and the flowers bud, as life is breathed onto the land once more, I shed the skin of disorder.