Merrily, merrily life is but a dream down the Jordan River
Merrily Merrily, Life Is but a Dream Down The Jordan River
February 14, 2008. I went to a benefit concert. All You Need Is Love was the theme. I contemplated human affection, human connection, and the soul of love. February 15, 2008 I had my first day, my first chance, with Jordan. At first, it was a coy interaction. Flirtatious in a very innocent way. We had spent so many nights being able to chat away about certain things, but there was something that would choke me up. It was some sort of indignant shame and a little bit of pridefulness that got in my way.
For the first time in my life, I thought I could finally do it. Connect with someone. And there he was. Jordan was a gangly, thin looking thing in a pair of shades and a reddish brownish leather jacket that was scuffed at the sleeves. His face, I think may have been scruffy. He was a little embarrassed about his acne. I had gotten to see him use toothpaste to dry it out. I didn't think I minded the appearance too much. He had such a wonderful personality.
It was pretty lame, we had agreed on lunch and a movie, and he changed his mind at the last minute, so I dragged him around town looking for something else to do. South Haven is lame and dead in the winter, mind you. We had Jordan slipping and sliding along in the ice skating rink and god, the elation that I felt intimidated the hell out of me. Jordan never could understand why. I don't even understand why.
It eventually ruined me. I was eaten alive from the inside out with overwhelming fear and anxiety over letting myself have a piece of happiness in my life. So many days in my life, I have had this weird sense of depriving myself as much as I can so that it would be easier for me to be ready to let go at any given moment. My theory in life was once that in order to die happy, you shouldn't have anything to be happy about to worry over when you are going to die. Die apathetic.
But then here I was, hoping for something better. I couldn't even just lay around watching a movie with him. I was so consumed about the moment slipping away that I barely noticed that I already let it. I couldn't bear the sensation of the joy that I knew he could make me feel, the gladness he could instill in my heart like an apple tree planted into my heart; a bite into the symbol of magic, youth, beauty and happiness in the garden of Eden, the corruption of mundane simple mindedness. I don't particularly like getting biblical, but I guess it is an analogy of sorts. I cry every night of my life, whether inwardly or outwardly, that I let the chance of letting love be realized fade away. I can see a reflection of what Jordan could have possibly seen of me and it looks so ugly.
Now I am just breathing another sigh, another breath of life, away. Now I know what love I want. I want a deeper connection, a deeper love, an accepting, tolerant, nurturing, and genuine love, a good, kind love, a patient love, and an understanding love. What I see of love and relationships now is that it takes deep compassion and steadfastness. You have to follow through. Be impeccable with your word.
Time and time again, I feel like Edward Norton at the end of Fight Club with a smoking hole in his head.
I would like to share with you all, my thoughts on love and men. Men are beautiful creatures. I know I have toyed with them to show them just how indignant I have been about all of the ways that I have felt violated by wrongdoings committed by the opposite sex, and how I am too cool and badass to believe in love, but I love men. Yes, you men are strong, virile, and admirable. Yes, you men are gorgeous and take my breath away. Yes, I love you.
I am going to admit to there being a need to be loved and nurtured. I have been embittered, hardened, and distraught for so long. A sweet release would most certainly be welcome. It is one of the most precious and beautiful things in the universe to be held tenderly in the arms of a man. I have been blessed to truly have felt that way once before, snugly secure and respected. Men aren't so bad. I was just being bitter ol' me, not being able to admit to my hurt, my anguish, and my anger.
I know that relationships aren't everything and that I am not in dire need of one, but it is something quite nice that I fancy. I see one man in particular every step of the way. As I go about my day, I wonder to myself, what if he could see how strong I am? what if he can see how good I am? isn't my heart good enough? Sometimes, I wish he could be wiped out of my memory, but I embrace the pain for a reason. It was a good learning curve.
If I were to be prepared to love, I can honestly say I am mature enough to understand quite a bit. Love takes two strong people to build a foundation of faith, love, respect, support, connection, intimacy, and commitment. Man needs to be shown, wow, I love you, I respect you so much, you connect so well with me, and I am here for you. Woman need not be afraid to ask and show, I am so afraid to be hurt, but you are worth a leap of faith, I need you to care for me and tend to me.
I am ahead of my years in age. My mentality and spirit is above and beyond. I am called an old soul, but you see, I have this ridiculously young mortal body and brain. It contradicts everything. My inner wisdom beats my brain in intelligence. Can you make sense of that? I can't find the maturity, intelligence, charisma, ambition, character, integrity, ingenuity, wit, creativity, thoughtfulness, profundity, and loving kindness I want in a man. But I covet having a man to have. That is why I am being such a flip-flopping fool. The Prince Charming of my dreams will be a man that can see, feel, connect, and embrace with my soul.
Another note. Stress does you no good. I have been having health problems as of late. Ulcers, migraines, dizzy spells, and something resembling a stroke . Tremors and tingly numbness, the kind of thing you feel when your leg falls asleep. I have a disease called the Stress Jitters. I just over think things and over complicate things for myself. I take things and make them a lot more elaborate and complicated than they really are, then I feel like I am way over my head. Yes, I have realized this for a while. I am trying my best to simplify things more, but I have such a tremendous urge and desire to be something more than simple, I want so badly to have everything including myself be extraordinary, you see. How do I make that happen?
I need to sleep already. Good night.
-Jin
February 14, 2008. I went to a benefit concert. All You Need Is Love was the theme. I contemplated human affection, human connection, and the soul of love. February 15, 2008 I had my first day, my first chance, with Jordan. At first, it was a coy interaction. Flirtatious in a very innocent way. We had spent so many nights being able to chat away about certain things, but there was something that would choke me up. It was some sort of indignant shame and a little bit of pridefulness that got in my way.
For the first time in my life, I thought I could finally do it. Connect with someone. And there he was. Jordan was a gangly, thin looking thing in a pair of shades and a reddish brownish leather jacket that was scuffed at the sleeves. His face, I think may have been scruffy. He was a little embarrassed about his acne. I had gotten to see him use toothpaste to dry it out. I didn't think I minded the appearance too much. He had such a wonderful personality.
It was pretty lame, we had agreed on lunch and a movie, and he changed his mind at the last minute, so I dragged him around town looking for something else to do. South Haven is lame and dead in the winter, mind you. We had Jordan slipping and sliding along in the ice skating rink and god, the elation that I felt intimidated the hell out of me. Jordan never could understand why. I don't even understand why.
It eventually ruined me. I was eaten alive from the inside out with overwhelming fear and anxiety over letting myself have a piece of happiness in my life. So many days in my life, I have had this weird sense of depriving myself as much as I can so that it would be easier for me to be ready to let go at any given moment. My theory in life was once that in order to die happy, you shouldn't have anything to be happy about to worry over when you are going to die. Die apathetic.
But then here I was, hoping for something better. I couldn't even just lay around watching a movie with him. I was so consumed about the moment slipping away that I barely noticed that I already let it. I couldn't bear the sensation of the joy that I knew he could make me feel, the gladness he could instill in my heart like an apple tree planted into my heart; a bite into the symbol of magic, youth, beauty and happiness in the garden of Eden, the corruption of mundane simple mindedness. I don't particularly like getting biblical, but I guess it is an analogy of sorts. I cry every night of my life, whether inwardly or outwardly, that I let the chance of letting love be realized fade away. I can see a reflection of what Jordan could have possibly seen of me and it looks so ugly.
Now I am just breathing another sigh, another breath of life, away. Now I know what love I want. I want a deeper connection, a deeper love, an accepting, tolerant, nurturing, and genuine love, a good, kind love, a patient love, and an understanding love. What I see of love and relationships now is that it takes deep compassion and steadfastness. You have to follow through. Be impeccable with your word.
Time and time again, I feel like Edward Norton at the end of Fight Club with a smoking hole in his head.
I would like to share with you all, my thoughts on love and men. Men are beautiful creatures. I know I have toyed with them to show them just how indignant I have been about all of the ways that I have felt violated by wrongdoings committed by the opposite sex, and how I am too cool and badass to believe in love, but I love men. Yes, you men are strong, virile, and admirable. Yes, you men are gorgeous and take my breath away. Yes, I love you.
I am going to admit to there being a need to be loved and nurtured. I have been embittered, hardened, and distraught for so long. A sweet release would most certainly be welcome. It is one of the most precious and beautiful things in the universe to be held tenderly in the arms of a man. I have been blessed to truly have felt that way once before, snugly secure and respected. Men aren't so bad. I was just being bitter ol' me, not being able to admit to my hurt, my anguish, and my anger.
I know that relationships aren't everything and that I am not in dire need of one, but it is something quite nice that I fancy. I see one man in particular every step of the way. As I go about my day, I wonder to myself, what if he could see how strong I am? what if he can see how good I am? isn't my heart good enough? Sometimes, I wish he could be wiped out of my memory, but I embrace the pain for a reason. It was a good learning curve.
If I were to be prepared to love, I can honestly say I am mature enough to understand quite a bit. Love takes two strong people to build a foundation of faith, love, respect, support, connection, intimacy, and commitment. Man needs to be shown, wow, I love you, I respect you so much, you connect so well with me, and I am here for you. Woman need not be afraid to ask and show, I am so afraid to be hurt, but you are worth a leap of faith, I need you to care for me and tend to me.
I am ahead of my years in age. My mentality and spirit is above and beyond. I am called an old soul, but you see, I have this ridiculously young mortal body and brain. It contradicts everything. My inner wisdom beats my brain in intelligence. Can you make sense of that? I can't find the maturity, intelligence, charisma, ambition, character, integrity, ingenuity, wit, creativity, thoughtfulness, profundity, and loving kindness I want in a man. But I covet having a man to have. That is why I am being such a flip-flopping fool. The Prince Charming of my dreams will be a man that can see, feel, connect, and embrace with my soul.
Another note. Stress does you no good. I have been having health problems as of late. Ulcers, migraines, dizzy spells, and something resembling a stroke . Tremors and tingly numbness, the kind of thing you feel when your leg falls asleep. I have a disease called the Stress Jitters. I just over think things and over complicate things for myself. I take things and make them a lot more elaborate and complicated than they really are, then I feel like I am way over my head. Yes, I have realized this for a while. I am trying my best to simplify things more, but I have such a tremendous urge and desire to be something more than simple, I want so badly to have everything including myself be extraordinary, you see. How do I make that happen?
I need to sleep already. Good night.
-Jin