The definition of me ...
Sometimes it gets to me sometimes it doesn't,
but most of the time i can't help but think about it
that there really isn't anyone out there that one can associate themselves with
this is unless you compromise yourself and deny growth
People argue and say that two can grow together
this is a lie.
Once you attach yourself to another you have instantly denied yourself any self realization
you must share, and be considerate to the other,
you must allow them to see where you are coming from
and if you don't they you are seen as being "distant", or "withdrawn"
Fuck that, if one wants to grow on their own, let them. When you grow together
there is a possiblitiy of creating this crack, where each person has thier own personal secretive growth
and they keep it from one another.
So what the fuck its the whole point?
Where is this shit coming from? Where do you think, the path I chose is the one many stray from, at points its hard to stay on it due to riddicule. But I will remain the way I am, I wont compromise myself for anyone. I want to say how I feel and what I think therefore I will. If I want to be outlandish I will. But all these words mean nothing to me cause naturally this is who I am, but once again I am begining to feel the pressure of society telling me to conform and fit in, im getting that sensation that there isn't a soul out there that will see me and not judge me as the following "weird, crazy, uncontrolable, wild ... etc". IF i see you as you, why can't people just see me as me? I fuckin hate it when people ask me to change, they ask it all the time. Without saying it at all. But there it is in my face almost everyday.
I felt the other emotion again, that suffocaating feeling I had when i dated this dirtbag manipulitve bastard for 3 years. It happenes every year at this time, when he calls me to wish me a happy birthday, and metally rapes me. Im not sure if I allow it cause I still feel a tinge of guilt that I had hurt him. But to me, one big smack in the face isn't equal to 3 years worth of emotional dismemberment. Anywho, after each time I hear from him, I want to throw the phone across the room and take a shower. He always prys into my life, and asks personal questions. Which by the way, I've learned to lie to him about practically everything, this allows me to save as much as myself as possible. It was in that relationship, that I gave in and gave myself up. And now ... Im so afraid of any long term commitment. I like to say Im content with myself, but im afraid that I will meet another man who will show me that I am not, and in order to be happy, I must change every thing I am and have become ... just to fit his perfect mold of a female companion.
Its pretty fucked up, i shouldn't judge the whole of the male kingdom on one prick, but for some reason I can't help it. Its a deep now, further than I can reach. And i try to understand it, but the more I look into it, the darker I feel myself becoming.
~Micha~
but most of the time i can't help but think about it
that there really isn't anyone out there that one can associate themselves with
this is unless you compromise yourself and deny growth
People argue and say that two can grow together
this is a lie.
Once you attach yourself to another you have instantly denied yourself any self realization
you must share, and be considerate to the other,
you must allow them to see where you are coming from
and if you don't they you are seen as being "distant", or "withdrawn"
Fuck that, if one wants to grow on their own, let them. When you grow together
there is a possiblitiy of creating this crack, where each person has thier own personal secretive growth
and they keep it from one another.
So what the fuck its the whole point?
Where is this shit coming from? Where do you think, the path I chose is the one many stray from, at points its hard to stay on it due to riddicule. But I will remain the way I am, I wont compromise myself for anyone. I want to say how I feel and what I think therefore I will. If I want to be outlandish I will. But all these words mean nothing to me cause naturally this is who I am, but once again I am begining to feel the pressure of society telling me to conform and fit in, im getting that sensation that there isn't a soul out there that will see me and not judge me as the following "weird, crazy, uncontrolable, wild ... etc". IF i see you as you, why can't people just see me as me? I fuckin hate it when people ask me to change, they ask it all the time. Without saying it at all. But there it is in my face almost everyday.
I felt the other emotion again, that suffocaating feeling I had when i dated this dirtbag manipulitve bastard for 3 years. It happenes every year at this time, when he calls me to wish me a happy birthday, and metally rapes me. Im not sure if I allow it cause I still feel a tinge of guilt that I had hurt him. But to me, one big smack in the face isn't equal to 3 years worth of emotional dismemberment. Anywho, after each time I hear from him, I want to throw the phone across the room and take a shower. He always prys into my life, and asks personal questions. Which by the way, I've learned to lie to him about practically everything, this allows me to save as much as myself as possible. It was in that relationship, that I gave in and gave myself up. And now ... Im so afraid of any long term commitment. I like to say Im content with myself, but im afraid that I will meet another man who will show me that I am not, and in order to be happy, I must change every thing I am and have become ... just to fit his perfect mold of a female companion.
Its pretty fucked up, i shouldn't judge the whole of the male kingdom on one prick, but for some reason I can't help it. Its a deep now, further than I can reach. And i try to understand it, but the more I look into it, the darker I feel myself becoming.
~Micha~